How to fix hurting DH’s feelings?

[Anonymous]

My dear, you are in the thick of it.

I know, I had to help a friend who was a single mom through a time like this.

It will get better. It won't be like this forever, for both of you. Just do what you can to get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like he is too sensitive.

I don’t think he’s too sensitive. I love that he is sensitive and shows emotions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's lonely and wants your attention. Sometimes men feel like they are displaced by the baby. If you're both sleep deprived, be gentle to each other.

Regardless, you can tell him you'd like some alone time. If he asks what he should do, tell him. Or say "I'm too tired to figure that out for you. Look around and pick a task from what you see."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was a frank conversation to my H that you are also a parent just like me. We are equal. I do not want to delegate tasks day and night. Stop asking if something needs to be done and just think for yourself what needs to be done- laundry, washing bottles, changing diapers, meal prep, take out dirty diapers, restock nursery, etc. This is life now and I'm figuring it out and you need to as well.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's lonely and wants your attention. Sometimes men feel like they are displaced by the baby. If you're both sleep deprived, be gentle to each other.

Regardless, you can tell him you'd like some alone time. If he asks what he should do, tell him. Or say "I'm too tired to figure that out for you. Look around and pick a task from what you see."

I don’t think he is lonely but I will ask him. He follows me around just incase I need any help with the baby or I need something. We spend a lot of time together because we are both home. I can’t imagine he’s lonely when we are together 24/7 but I may be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We welcomed our son earlier than expected and had a pretty chaotic first week. DH decided to take his full paternity ( 8 weeks) up front because of the early arrival. He’s been really stepping up in major ways, but it’s been too much at times. He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel crowded and like I need space. I told him this and he has been very hurt and upset. I feel so terrible that I hurt him and I’ve been worried that I irreparably damaged our marriage and him being a father. How can I fix this?

You don't fix it. It's just going to get worse, and he's not going to change. Think about whether your relationship can really sustain his intensity (and maybe worse). It might be time for you to reconsider your marriage.

[Anonymous]

He probably doesn't know what to do. And I don't mean in the way of "well then just do laundry". You went into preterm labor and he probably felt useless. You had a C-section and are in pain and still recovering and probably feels useless and doesn't know how to help. The baby right now is a major adjustment but is also really just sleeping, eating, and needing diaper changes so he also probably doesn't know what else to do with him. And that's why he's pestering you. He feels like he should be doing more for you for what you went through, he just doesnt know what.

Just tell him you appreciate how attentive he's been and that you're happy he's home with you during this time. And that you'll happily tell him anything you need for him to do. And then just think of one little task for him to do a day, even if it's something as silly as "make a pitcher of lemonade". It'll make him feel like he's doing something for you and he'll probably back off. And once the exhaustion really sets in, I don't think this will be a concern.

[Anonymous]

Staring into space or at you indicates sleep deprivation. You can ask him "Why are you staring at me?"

I think if you wanting a little alone time hurts his feelings, he is being a baby.

When I say he may be lonely, I mean compared to his workplace it may not be as much social interaction and variety as he is used to. So he's looking to you to fill that. And some men cope very poorly with the lack of structure to the day, or that what they're doing is often boring (laundry, dishes) or stuff they don't feel confident at (baby care). Unfortunately he is making this your problem. Maybe suggest he make plans with a friend or go work out.

[Anonymous]

I would say "Yes, please burp the baby while I go check on my incision." And then leave the room and stay away for a while. Have him do all the burping and he will become good at it. There's no one right way to burp, it's trial and error.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably doesn't know what to do. And I don't mean in the way of "well then just do laundry". You went into preterm labor and he probably felt useless. You had a C-section and are in pain and still recovering and probably feels useless and doesn't know how to help. The baby right now is a major adjustment but is also really just sleeping, eating, and needing diaper changes so he also probably doesn't know what else to do with him. And that's why he's pestering you. He feels like he should be doing more for you for what you went through, he just doesnt know what.

Just tell him you appreciate how attentive he's been and that you're happy he's home with you during this time. And that you'll happily tell him anything you need for him to do. And then just think of one little task for him to do a day, even if it's something as silly as "make a pitcher of lemonade". It'll make him feel like he's doing something for you and he'll probably back off. And once the exhaustion really sets in, I don't think this will be a concern.

He is doing a lot. He is doing all the cooking and making sure I have snacks and water, all the cleaning, the laundry, getting groceries, and washing all the bottles and pump parts. He is doing his fair share of diaper changes and bottled feedings. He still follows us around or just sits and stares while I try to feed or pump to see if I need any help. It is annoying little weird for me to have him just sitting and starting at me for 30+ minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably doesn't know what to do. And I don't mean in the way of "well then just do laundry". You went into preterm labor and he probably felt useless. You had a C-section and are in pain and still recovering and probably feels useless and doesn't know how to help. The baby right now is a major adjustment but is also really just sleeping, eating, and needing diaper changes so he also probably doesn't know what else to do with him. And that's why he's pestering you. He feels like he should be doing more for you for what you went through, he just doesnt know what.

Just tell him you appreciate how attentive he's been and that you're happy he's home with you during this time. And that you'll happily tell him anything you need for him to do. And then just think of one little task for him to do a day, even if it's something as silly as "make a pitcher of lemonade". It'll make him feel like he's doing something for you and he'll probably back off. And once the exhaustion really sets in, I don't think this will be a concern.

He is doing a lot. He is doing all the cooking and making sure I have snacks and water, all the cleaning, the laundry, getting groceries, and washing all the bottles and pump parts. He is doing his fair share of diaper changes and bottled feedings. He still follows us around or just sits and stares while I try to feed or pump to see if I need any help. It is annoying little weird for me to have him just sitting and starting at me for 30+ minutes.

Why can't you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he stares at you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably doesn't know what to do. And I don't mean in the way of "well then just do laundry". You went into preterm labor and he probably felt useless. You had a C-section and are in pain and still recovering and probably feels useless and doesn't know how to help. The baby right now is a major adjustment but is also really just sleeping, eating, and needing diaper changes so he also probably doesn't know what else to do with him. And that's why he's pestering you. He feels like he should be doing more for you for what you went through, he just doesnt know what.

Just tell him you appreciate how attentive he's been and that you're happy he's home with you during this time. And that you'll happily tell him anything you need for him to do. And then just think of one little task for him to do a day, even if it's something as silly as "make a pitcher of lemonade". It'll make him feel like he's doing something for you and he'll probably back off. And once the exhaustion really sets in, I don't think this will be a concern.

He is doing a lot. He is doing all the cooking and making sure I have snacks and water, all the cleaning, the laundry, getting groceries, and washing all the bottles and pump parts. He is doing his fair share of diaper changes and bottled feedings. He still follows us around or just sits and stares while I try to feed or pump to see if I need any help. It is annoying little weird for me to have him just sitting and starting at me for 30+ minutes.

Did you not read the post? She did and now he his feelings are hurt.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe he wants time with the baby, and time as a family of 3 that doesn't revolve around chores. Ask him "Would you like to take over the baby for a while" and then give him the baby and go in another room.

He has no business staring while you pump, WTF. Tell him "I'm ready for a little more privacy while I'm pumping. Please do not watch, it makes me self-conscious." If he has a problem with that, he's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably doesn't know what to do. And I don't mean in the way of "well then just do laundry". You went into preterm labor and he probably felt useless. You had a C-section and are in pain and still recovering and probably feels useless and doesn't know how to help. The baby right now is a major adjustment but is also really just sleeping, eating, and needing diaper changes so he also probably doesn't know what else to do with him. And that's why he's pestering you. He feels like he should be doing more for you for what you went through, he just doesnt know what.

Just tell him you appreciate how attentive he's been and that you're happy he's home with you during this time. And that you'll happily tell him anything you need for him to do. And then just think of one little task for him to do a day, even if it's something as silly as "make a pitcher of lemonade". It'll make him feel like he's doing something for you and he'll probably back off. And once the exhaustion really sets in, I don't think this will be a concern.

He is doing a lot. He is doing all the cooking and making sure I have snacks and water, all the cleaning, the laundry, getting groceries, and washing all the bottles and pump parts. He is doing his fair share of diaper changes and bottled feedings. He still follows us around or just sits and stares while I try to feed or pump to see if I need any help. It is annoying little weird for me to have him just sitting and starting at me for 30+ minutes.

Did you not read the post? She did and now he his feelings are hurt.

I did read it, and I think she should tell him again, and he should suck it up and stop staring at her. Hurt feelings waaaaaah. Nobody likes to be stared at!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably doesn't know what to do. And I don't mean in the way of "well then just do laundry". You went into preterm labor and he probably felt useless. You had a C-section and are in pain and still recovering and probably feels useless and doesn't know how to help. The baby right now is a major adjustment but is also really just sleeping, eating, and needing diaper changes so he also probably doesn't know what else to do with him. And that's why he's pestering you. He feels like he should be doing more for you for what you went through, he just doesnt know what.

Just tell him you appreciate how attentive he's been and that you're happy he's home with you during this time. And that you'll happily tell him anything you need for him to do. And then just think of one little task for him to do a day, even if it's something as silly as "make a pitcher of lemonade". It'll make him feel like he's doing something for you and he'll probably back off. And once the exhaustion really sets in, I don't think this will be a concern.

He is doing a lot. He is doing all the cooking and making sure I have snacks and water, all the cleaning, the laundry, getting groceries, and washing all the bottles and pump parts. He is doing his fair share of diaper changes and bottled feedings. He still follows us around or just sits and stares while I try to feed or pump to see if I need any help. It is annoying little weird for me to have him just sitting and starting at me for 30+ minutes.

Tell him to get on his phone like everybody else does with 30 minutes of downtime, or even 5.