How to fix hurting DH’s feelings?
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Anonymous
| We welcomed our son earlier than expected and had a pretty chaotic first week. DH decided to take his full paternity ( 8 weeks) up front because of the early arrival. He’s been really stepping up in major ways, but it’s been too much at times. He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel crowded and like I need space. I told him this and he has been very hurt and upset. I feel so terrible that I hurt him and I’ve been worried that I irreparably damaged our marriage and him being a father. How can I fix this? |
Anonymous
| For me it was a frank conversation to my H that you are also a parent just like me. We are equal. I do not want to delegate tasks day and night. Stop asking if something needs to be done and just think for yourself what needs to be done- laundry, washing bottles, changing diapers, meal prep, take out dirty diapers, restock nursery, etc. This is life now and I'm figuring it out and you need to as well. |
Anonymous
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By giving him space to parent without gatekeeping. Are you nursing? If so, get in the regular habit of nursing then immediately handing the baby to dad until then next feeding. Let him handle diapering, playing, and getting baby down for a nap. Not all the time, but regularly. If you’re both home full time right now, you should be doing that like half the time.
If you’re not nursing, even easier. Give him the baby for 4-6 hours. Leave the house! He’s feeling left out and pushed away. The way you fix that is to bring him in. |
Anonymous
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Apologize. Appreciate him. If you need space, call it being “touched out.”
“I love you deeply. For some reason, maybe hormones, I want to go have a quiet sit alone.” “You’re the best. Im doing good. You need anything? Take a nap together for a minute? That’s cool, but I want to be alone right now. I don’t know why but I feel like sitting alone. You’re super sweet and I love you, see you after my nap.” |
Anonymous
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Sounds like this is your first kid? If so, you're both in a whole new world so you have to cut each other lots of slack. I'd apologize for hurting him and share that you're learning too and don't really know how he can be helpful yet. Suggest taking 15 minutes to brainstorm together things he can own. Example - put him in charge of everything related to meals (planning, shopping, cooking, clean up). That plus all the newborn laundry and a night time feeding is a whole job.
If there isn't much he can do (doubtful), then maybe he'll realize that he should structure his leave differently. Could be be three days at work and 2 off? That way you get some space while you care for the baby but also some relief when he can tap in while you get to take a real break or get out of the house alone? |
Anonymous
Are you and your DH equals in terms of childcare? Nope. Did you ever "correct" him by telling him he needed to do X___ in a manner you suggested or offer him advice on how to wash bottles, change diapers, etc.? IME, the DW believes she is in charge because she is the mother. Fair. But the "you are a parent just like me" translates into "I want you to do things how I think they should be done." Which is okay; however, you cannot pretend that you are equals on one hand and review his work on the other. And, yes, I am speaking from experience. |
Anonymous
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I agree with a PP. The issues are being sleep-deprived, hormonal, and touched out.
The answer is definitely to let him do more for and with the baby. My husband took our baby for walks in the Baby Bjorn. Not sure how early that started but that allowed me to sleep in on weekends. You take naps and let him stare at the baby sleeping to make sure baby is still breathing. If you will continue breastfeeding/will pump, maybe create pumped bottles he can use so you can leave the house more on your own. |
Anonymous
He does take initiative on a lot of stuff but still follows me around if I need help with the baby. |
Anonymous
He's the one not giving HER space. |
Anonymous
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Your kid is a premie?
You both put on your big kid underpants and realize this is a difficult time. No one know the right thing to do yet. Just give yourself both time. You gave birth and he's just seen you go through labor and now has a kid who came early. Focus on getting to a stable time. It's your hormones talking. It's unlikely that you damaged your marriage irreparably. |
Anonymous
| Seems like he is too sensitive. |
Anonymous
This is. We have had a bit of chaotic first week of life. We are both very stressed. It is helpful to have him here. We are pretty much pumping and feeding because of low weight. Feedings are frequent, long, and difficult because he is too sleepy to eat. It’s nice having him do some of the feedings to give me a break because I’m also pumping every 2 hours around the clock. I had an emergency c-section and it’s been pretty hard trying to recover whole caring for a baby and constant pumping. |
Anonymous
I’m not nursing. He is not strong enough to nurse yet. We are under strict guidelines with feeding and a feeding schedule. I don’t want to go anywhere because I’m still recovering from a c-section and pumping every 2 hours. I also want to be with my baby and bro leave him for that long. |
Anonymous
I have not corrected him. I fully trust he is capable of parenting and handling tasks. I wouldn’t have married him or had his kid if I felt that way. I let him do whatever he wants and figure out like I’m trying to do. It’s a learning curve for both of us. We are both figuring this out. |
Anonymous
Yes and no. 37 weeks so not super early but early enough that he has weight issues because he’s too sleepy to eat. |