How to fix hurting DH’s feelings?

[Anonymous]

He's tired but can't pull himself together enough to nap. Or this is attention seeking behavior and he's sad that he will no longer be #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was a frank conversation to my H that you are also a parent just like me. We are equal. I do not want to delegate tasks day and night. Stop asking if something needs to be done and just think for yourself what needs to be done- laundry, washing bottles, changing diapers, meal prep, take out dirty diapers, restock nursery, etc. This is life now and I'm figuring it out and you need to as well.

This is the only answer. The fact that OP's husband is doing this...

He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything.

...is the issue. He's not just crowding OP. He's asking him (unintentionally) to manage him. It's too much.

This is all understandable. It's his first baby too and he's probably terrified he's going to break the kid. But many men need a push to find their confidence. This can be done gently and lovingly. But dude's gotta find his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was a frank conversation to my H that you are also a parent just like me. We are equal. I do not want to delegate tasks day and night. Stop asking if something needs to be done and just think for yourself what needs to be done- laundry, washing bottles, changing diapers, meal prep, take out dirty diapers, restock nursery, etc. This is life now and I'm figuring it out and you need to as well.

This is the only answer. The fact that OP's husband is doing this...

He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything.

...is the issue. He's not just crowding OP. He's asking him (unintentionally) to manage him. It's too much.

This is all understandable. It's his first baby too and he's probably terrified he's going to break the kid. But many men need a push to find their confidence. This can be done gently and lovingly. But dude's gotta find his way.

This! He's trying to help, yes, but he also wants his wife to coordinate. It's annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We welcomed our son earlier than expected and had a pretty chaotic first week. DH decided to take his full paternity ( 8 weeks) up front because of the early arrival. He’s been really stepping up in major ways, but it’s been too much at times. He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel crowded and like I need space. I told him this and he has been very hurt and upset. I feel so terrible that I hurt him and I’ve been worried that I irreparably damaged our marriage and him being a father. How can I fix this?

I think if that's all it takes to make him "very hurt and upset", that's a him problem. You did nothing wrong. You don't need to fix this. And you have not irreparably damaged anything. He can find his big boy panties, realize that it's ok if you need more space, and stop making his feelings your problem.

If you indulge this sad-tantrum you'll just get more of it. Maybe you had time for it as a childless couple, but there's no time for that now.

[Anonymous]

"Thanks. I've got the baby now. Go rest for an hour, or can you start to prep dinner?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We welcomed our son earlier than expected and had a pretty chaotic first week. DH decided to take his full paternity ( 8 weeks) up front because of the early arrival. He’s been really stepping up in major ways, but it’s been too much at times. He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel crowded and like I need space. I told him this and he has been very hurt and upset. I feel so terrible that I hurt him and I’ve been worried that I irreparably damaged our marriage and him being a father. How can I fix this?

I think if that's all it takes to make him "very hurt and upset", that's a him problem. You did nothing wrong. You don't need to fix this. And you have not irreparably damaged anything. He can find his big boy panties, realize that it's ok if you need more space, and stop making his feelings your problem.

If you indulge this sad-tantrum you'll just get more of it. Maybe you had time for it as a childless couple, but there's no time for that now.

DUMP him! Get some peace of mind. Jeez, it's so obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We welcomed our son earlier than expected and had a pretty chaotic first week. DH decided to take his full paternity ( 8 weeks) up front because of the early arrival. He’s been really stepping up in major ways, but it’s been too much at times. He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel crowded and like I need space. I told him this and he has been very hurt and upset. I feel so terrible that I hurt him and I’ve been worried that I irreparably damaged our marriage and him being a father. How can I fix this?

I think if that's all it takes to make him "very hurt and upset", that's a him problem. You did nothing wrong. You don't need to fix this. And you have not irreparably damaged anything. He can find his big boy panties, realize that it's ok if you need more space, and stop making his feelings your problem.

If you indulge this sad-tantrum you'll just get more of it. Maybe you had time for it as a childless couple, but there's no time for that now.

DUMP him! Get some peace of mind. Jeez, it's so obvious.

No, just give him space to get through his feelings without rushing to "fix" anything. Eventually he will come around to the idea that people need space, and that he is an adult who can cope with it.

[Anonymous]

It’s a stressful time. Tell him you need space and will call him if you need help.

[Anonymous]

The staring is weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We welcomed our son earlier than expected and had a pretty chaotic first week. DH decided to take his full paternity ( 8 weeks) up front because of the early arrival. He’s been really stepping up in major ways, but it’s been too much at times. He follows me around several times a day asking if I need help, and will just stand or sit there and watch to see if I need help or if I want him to do anything. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel crowded and like I need space. I told him this and he has been very hurt and upset. I feel so terrible that I hurt him and I’ve been worried that I irreparably damaged our marriage and him being a father. How can I fix this?

I think if that's all it takes to make him "very hurt and upset", that's a him problem. You did nothing wrong. You don't need to fix this. And you have not irreparably damaged anything. He can find his big boy panties, realize that it's ok if you need more space, and stop making his feelings your problem.

If you indulge this sad-tantrum you'll just get more of it. Maybe you had time for it as a childless couple, but there's no time for that now.

DUMP him! Get some peace of mind. Jeez, it's so obvious.

No, just give him space to get through his feelings without rushing to "fix" anything. Eventually he will come around to the idea that people need space, and that he is an adult who can cope with it.

She needs to give him all the space in the world, permanently! Don't wait for him to "come around." Most men aren't capable of working on themselves, and why should you wait for him to stop being a man-child? Move on with your life and do better.

[Anonymous]

Please consider having him take some paternity weeks off when you go back to work rather than now. My DH being alone with our 34 week preemie after I went back to work was the most impirtant thing that deepened their bond and strengthened our partnership. You don't both need to be home now. Not for 8 weeks.