DH wants to be in charge of home repairs but doesn’t understand them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way in the world would I wait a week for HVAC repair in 85 degree weather because my husband gave bad info. Now if it was a mild 68 degrees, I might wait.

But I have very little tolerance for this level of lack of self awareness. The idea he screws this up all the time and cannot see it at all is what would kill me. The reason my husband and I have an equitable split of labor is that we each can actually see our strengths and weaknesses — so then we play to them.

All of these women who would bend over backwards to appease their husband’s egos are killing me. That is not how I roll. I would just tell him that I was better at this and make the calls. And if he wants to pout, have at it. But again, I didn’t marry a guy like this.

This. I’m not putting up with incompetence when I know I’m better at doing something. If his feelings get hurt oh well. He’s not a toddler. He’ll manage. We’ve been married 25 years and know what our strengths and weaknesses are. We don’t get our feelings hurt about stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Being in relationship with other humans does require some tact and grace. What would happen if you did the whole thermostat correction call but your attitude was non-judgmental? Like instead of communicating, "See, you did it wrong again," you communicated, "OMG, I know right, how awesome that we don't have to wait another week, I'm so glad my googling paid off." If the answer is that he would still pout and act like a victim, then I don't think there's much you can do but accept that you chose to marry someone with these deficits. But if you always jump in and take over, as though he can't communicate effectively with professional adults to such a degree that he somehow overrides their professional advice, then I can see why he would feel like you are patronizing him. And that's not sexy or gracious. But neither is being completely incompetent, so you're at a bit of a stalemate.

To be totally honest, I'm giving you this advice as I'm divorcing someone who always screwed everything up around our house (in our case, because he thought he was handier than he was). He installed the shower handles incorrectly so they fell off every time you tried to take a shower. He installed a screw backwards in the back door knob and it fell off. He replaced our deck posts with indoor trim wood and they've practically disintegrated in the rain. Everything he did was, in retrospect, really dumb. So now he's gone and I just call a guy and have it done the right way. But when we were married I couldn't do that, because he got really mad and weirdly personally offended by the idea that I would pay someone to do what he imagined he could do himself, when he finally got around to it ten months later. Our youngest commandeered a hammer and started fixing up her room herself at like age 7, because "if you ask Daddy it will take him ten months." So that was fun.

It was, stupidly and pointlessly, a constant source of stress. And that's because my stbx is not self-aware or emotionally mature. (He left me, and while it's not fun to be rejected and have no choice in the matter, I do realize how much better off I am.) Now I'm not there to be a buffer and he seems to be bringing that energy to his relationship with our teenagers, which is heartbreaking and frustrating and, also, not something I can fix. It is what it is. This is the person I had children with, and I have to make peace with that. I learned a long time ago to choose my battles. We're going through some growing pains now because I've recalibrated what I will swallow/accept to be ex-wife appropriate, not wife appropriate, and he's finding it a bit disorienting. Poor lamb.

[Anonymous]

ChatGPT much Pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is costing us lots of time and money because he has his ego wrapped up in being the person who calls repair people and contractors, but doesn’t have the understanding of home repair to accurately articulate problems or what we want repaired or changed.

I have tried repeatedly to circumvent this by calling repair people first, being home when people he’s hired are here so I can make sure they accurately understand what we need done, etc, but that makes DH mad and he’ll tantrum about how I don’t trust him, or make him feel stupid, or whatever. But the thing is, he is kind of stupid when it comes to house stuff and so I don’t trust him. Instead of managing his ignorance and trying to do research and learn, he just lashes out at me instead.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? I’m so tired of wasting an entire day waiting for a repair person only to discover (for example) that my DH called the wrong kind of person or didn’t understand what was wrong so they couldn’t order the correct parts or bring the right crew out.

The latest is that we have a new thermostat that has never worked properly. It’s under warranty so we needed to have the installer come out and replace it. However, DH instead told the dispatcher at the office that managed the hvac installation that our heat pump wasn’t working. So they scheduled us for a much longer call and can’t fit us in for a week because he led them to believe that the heat pump had failed. We have no evidence that it has since the thermostat can’t even communicate with it.

Anyway, I called the company back, told them about the thermostat issue, and they came out today and swapped it out and everything is working. But if I hadn’t, we would have waited for a week for the wrong kind of repair for no reason.

Even though it all works now, DH is storming around and acting offended and butthurt because I “made him feel stupid” and “can’t butt out and let him manage in his own.”

Just hire out the repairs. DH sounds controlling. I don't think he sounds like great long term partner material, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but YTA. You’ve repeatedly circumvented him when you know it’s important to him? That’s WAY worse than being mediocre at a task.

You need to do one of two things:

1) Go to him, ask to discuss how you handle household repairs, apologize for being a jerk about it, and see if you can mutually agree on a new path given that having repairs stretch on longer than absolutely necessary is a real pet peeve of yours. Hear him out too! Maybe you can rejigger your chore balance so you take this on with his blessing, maybe you can find a different way to split it (urgent repairs vs. improvements/upgrades? A time limit after which you take over?) But jeez, make it an open discussion don’t go behind his back!

Or

2) Back. off. Get over yourself and let him do it his way without interference or meddling from you.

Give me a break. OP shouldn’t sit in the sweltering heat and be out thousands of dollars just to appease his ego. He doesn’t get to call dibs on all things related to home repairs just because he thinks it makes him a man.

OP if I was in your position I’d just ignore his tantrums. He is unskilled in this area which is totally fine. But household finances and comfort don’t have to suffer because of some preconceived notion of who should handle what. Same as if you were undercooking the chicken. Nobody deserves a stomach bug just because you think it’s your job to handle meals.

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Yeah Team OP.

I wouldn't entertain his antics & pouting sessions when the repair needs to be done and he can't do it properly.. ICK!

[Anonymous]

This board never ceases to make me appreciate my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ChatGPT much Pp?

Bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t the 2 of you have a discussion before calling in the pros? Write down a detailed description of the problem and ask the scheduler for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the 2 of you have a discussion before calling in the pros? Write down a detailed description of the problem and ask if the scheduler for advice.

OP. I literally tried that. He said to stop and butt out when I suggested my thoughts about the problem and said it was micromanaging to work together write down notes before he called and that he didn’t need my notes and he was a grown up and he could “make a goddamn phone call.” He also said the scheduler/office person wasn’t going to understand the problem so it was pointless to explain different possibilities. I said that was their entire job and they would be able to think it through if we gave them the info we had.

Anyway, thermostat is fixed and apparently all repair calls are now my responsibility. Which is fine and will work, but at some point DH will have bungled so many things and dumped them on me in his embarrassed fury that he’ll have zero home responsibilities. Which may be the whole point?!

[Anonymous]

This may be a controversial suggestion but here goes -
Treat it as a facilities maintenance competitive bid
Cost + man hours (yours or his)

The amount saved goes into personal discretionary fund for the winner. Project must be successful and resolve the problem. A 10% bonus for early completion. You both agree on the expected completion date.

You have to create incentive for savings and efficiency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may be a controversial suggestion but here goes -
Treat it as a facilities maintenance competitive bid
Cost + man hours (yours or his)

The amount saved goes into personal discretionary fund for the winner. Project must be successful and resolve the problem. A 10% bonus for early completion. You both agree on the expected completion date.

You have to create incentive for savings and efficiency.

Also, typical contractor warranty applies. 1 year I think is typical so the winner is only responsible for 1 year of follow up repair.

[Anonymous]

Highly incompetent ignorant people who believe they are not are very dangerous.

Find a way to relegate him to the side lines doing hapless time-consuming “projects” or more office work.

Thats how my MIL deals with my absent minded professor, got laid off at age 50 and never worked again, FIL.
Last summer he got heavy pipes and soldered a whole swing set over 3 months time and $1000 of materials and tools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the 2 of you have a discussion before calling in the pros? Write down a detailed description of the problem and ask the scheduler for advice.

Lol

Ever try to have a conversation with a a totally unprepared, inexperienced, unknowledgeable person who thinks he knows everything?! Good times.