DH wants to be in charge of home repairs but doesn’t understand them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the 2 of you have a discussion before calling in the pros? Write down a detailed description of the problem and ask if the scheduler for advice.

OP. I literally tried that. He said to stop and butt out when I suggested my thoughts about the problem and said it was micromanaging to work together write down notes before he called and that he didn’t need my notes and he was a grown up and he could “make a goddamn phone call.” He also said the scheduler/office person wasn’t going to understand the problem so it was pointless to explain different possibilities. I said that was their entire job and they would be able to think it through if we gave them the info we had.

Anyway, thermostat is fixed and apparently all repair calls are now my responsibility. Which is fine and will work, but at some point DH will have bungled so many things and dumped them on me in his embarrassed fury that he’ll have zero home responsibilities. Which may be the whole point?!

He sounds classic aspergers and DARVOs to cover up his shortcomings. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Excuses galore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a husband like this. There's nothing you can do. After 20 years, mine lets me handle things as I have shown over the years that I can do it, and he cannot. After he tried to fix the bathroom himself and caused a leak all the way through the ceiling downstairs, he backed off. It's unlikely he'll back off until he screws up so badly that no explanation suffices. Tbh, I wish I didn't have to do this as it's very time-consuming. Unfortunately many people have no idea how things work, both male and female.

Same but I wish I had picked a different "partner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the 2 of you have a discussion before calling in the pros? Write down a detailed description of the problem and ask if the scheduler for advice.

OP. I literally tried that. He said to stop and butt out when I suggested my thoughts about the problem and said it was micromanaging to work together write down notes before he called and that he didn’t need my notes and he was a grown up and he could “make a goddamn phone call.” He also said the scheduler/office person wasn’t going to understand the problem so it was pointless to explain different possibilities. I said that was their entire job and they would be able to think it through if we gave them the info we had.

Anyway, thermostat is fixed and apparently all repair calls are now my responsibility. Which is fine and will work, but at some point DH will have bungled so many things and dumped them on me in his embarrassed fury that he’ll have zero home responsibilities. Which may be the whole point?!

He sounds classic aspergers and DARVOs to cover up his shortcomings. Yuck.

+1000 this is what I'm married too to. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Ignorance is bliss!!

Someone else will always have to fix it, repair it, redo it, discover it (still) broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excuses galore

+1 Miles long

[Anonymous]

This is not very economical- in terms of time or money. Long ago you should have established your roles when you saw each other's strengths. Why is he fighting you on this? He IS acting like an idiot and I don't have the time to kiss ass to someone to pretend they AREN'T being stupid when they make a stupid suggestion that will annoy us both. Please find what he is good at and make clear that is HIS. Please don't discuss any more broken crap with him to mess up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but YTA. You’ve repeatedly circumvented him when you know it’s important to him? That’s WAY worse than being mediocre at a task.

You need to do one of two things:

1) Go to him, ask to discuss how you handle household repairs, apologize for being a jerk about it, and see if you can mutually agree on a new path given that having repairs stretch on longer than absolutely necessary is a real pet peeve of yours. Hear him out too! Maybe you can rejigger your chore balance so you take this on with his blessing, maybe you can find a different way to split it (urgent repairs vs. improvements/upgrades? A time limit after which you take over?) But jeez, make it an open discussion don’t go behind his back!

Or

2) Back. off. Get over yourself and let him do it his way without interference or meddling from you.

Ugghhh. I hate these responses. Why do you need to coddle your spouse's ego when they suck at this and it costs time and money?

My own husband has screwed up the repairs with the repair people on our gas fireplace twice, so it hasn't worked now for a few years.

He doesn't shop around. He half-asses, and if you dare to say anything he acts like a huge baby. It's a massive turn off and makes me want to scream.

No one would blink an eye if a husband who was good at repairs told his wife she wasn't and to let him handle. This isn't about feelings. It's about handling things in fact, in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let him make the mistakes, however frustrating to you. It would seem that the HVAC company should have asked a few questions to determine if it was the thermostat or the heat pump without taking his word for it. If he is willing to spend the time to wait around and deal with it, I'd let him learn by experience.

He didn’t want to take time off next week for the original incorrect appointment, and asked me to take time off. Which is why I called the company to clarify and understand why the appointment had to be when he’s scheduled it for.

It wouldn’t be a big deal if these misses involved just his time and energy, but he inevitably drags me in and that’s why I’m frustrated. He is perfectly happy to waste my time but protective of his.

Oh in this case I would even try to cushion the blow. I'd tell him that if I was taking my time to handle the repair then I wanted clarity on the issue, and he can thank me for the working HVAC.