Ever had to “force” your kid into an activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to do this with my oldest, but I am honestly too lazy. I will give kids rides and pay for private lessons and all of that for my kids who want to do it. But I’m not going to fight for the opportunity to sit at a swim meet for four hours every Monday of the summer. If my kids don’t want to do it, I can’t work up the motivation to force them.

Why would you sit at a swim meet for four hours? Just drop them off and pick them up. My mother was very lazy and it shined through in a lot of her parenting. I swore to myself I wouldn't be a lazy parent.

[Anonymous]

I made my daughter play soccer in 2nd grade. She did it to hang out with her friends for a couple of years and then one day she got fierce. She is a HS junior and will play in college.

[Anonymous]

This is why we see posts about the 10 grader who has no one to eat lunch with. She has to have an interest in something. When she hangs out at home, what is she doing??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they need to do SOMETHING.

This. I had a kid like this. Some kids take longer to develop skills and/or aren’t naturally athletic. These kids tend to want to quit early on because they don’t feel as good compared to others. So the parents start to activity hop and they never get a chance to really develop their skills in anything, therefore they opt to do nothing. Persistence is key. Pick an activity and stick with it long term. Once they start seeing and feeling their progress and getting good, they will enjoy more

I also think that youth sports in particular comes across as “if you’re not good at it, it’s not worth doing” as exemplified by a recent post here in the last month.

Activities should be FUN and build community and coachability and skills. They won’t always have to be amazing. When the parents can convey that after a practice or a game. Instead of focusing on how much your kid did/did not score or how fast they swam—just ask “did you have fun!?” “What was your favorite part of today?”

It’s okay if not everyone is great. They can still do the activity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to do this with my oldest, but I am honestly too lazy. I will give kids rides and pay for private lessons and all of that for my kids who want to do it. But I’m not going to fight for the opportunity to sit at a swim meet for four hours every Monday of the summer. If my kids don’t want to do it, I can’t work up the motivation to force them.

Genetics are real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made my daughter play soccer in 2nd grade. She did it to hang out with her friends for a couple of years and then one day she got fierce. She is a HS junior and will play in college.

This doesn’t sound like you forced her. It sounds very much like she wanted to do this.
When I have forced my kids to do stuff, they do not get into it. They mostly do drills, sit on the sidelines, and sit down in the middle of the field during a game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they need to do SOMETHING.

This. I force an activity (physical) on each kid each season. Because realistically most people don’t pick up sports etc as adults, so I want them to have basic knowledge to use as adults if they choose.

If we said “this season we will just do dog walks and family hikes,” I k ow that it would fall apart in two weeks as we got busy and other things took over. So for us, we need it scheduled.

I am also trying to model/instill a balance of work, play, physical activity, music, hobbies, etc for a full and healthy life.

[Anonymous]

No forcing.
However, our rule was once you agree to start a sport/activity -- you finish it/see it through.

No quitting mid point if there are no health issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to do this with my oldest, but I am honestly too lazy. I will give kids rides and pay for private lessons and all of that for my kids who want to do it. But I’m not going to fight for the opportunity to sit at a swim meet for four hours every Monday of the summer. If my kids don’t want to do it, I can’t work up the motivation to force them.

Why would you sit at a swim meet for four hours? Just drop them off and pick them up. My mother was very lazy and it shined through in a lot of her parenting. I swore to myself I wouldn't be a lazy parent.

I’m not a lazy parent. Like I said, I drive my kids all around and schedule and pay for private lessons and camps when they want to do stuff. I have a daughter who is really into ballet, and that has been a lot. I have another kid who is into D&D, and I take him to his stuff and go to gaming conventions and ren fairs and help him with his campaigns and am working with him on the board game he is designing.

But I lost my patience with forcing my kids to do stuff early on.
If I dropped my kids off at a swim meet, and they didn’t want to be there, they would just walk home. They wouldn’t stay and swim. I stayed and made my oldest swim for one summer before I decided it was a stupid way to spend my time, and it was messing up my relationship with my child.
When my other kids wanted to swim, I
took them to morning practices and went to the meets and cheered them on. But I’m not doing it for a kid who doesn’t want to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to do this with my oldest, but I am honestly too lazy. I will give kids rides and pay for private lessons and all of that for my kids who want to do it. But I’m not going to fight for the opportunity to sit at a swim meet for four hours every Monday of the summer. If my kids don’t want to do it, I can’t work up the motivation to force them.

Why would you sit at a swim meet for four hours? Just drop them off and pick them up. My mother was very lazy and it shined through in a lot of her parenting. I swore to myself I wouldn't be a lazy parent.

I’m not a lazy parent. Like I said, I drive my kids all around and schedule and pay for private lessons and camps when they want to do stuff. I have a daughter who is really into ballet, and that has been a lot. I have another kid who is into D&D, and I take him to his stuff and go to gaming conventions and ren fairs and help him with his campaigns and am working with him on the board game he is designing.

But I lost my patience with forcing my kids to do stuff early on.
If I dropped my kids off at a swim meet, and they didn’t want to be there, they would just walk home. They wouldn’t stay and swim. I stayed and made my oldest swim for one summer before I decided it was a stupid way to spend my time, and it was messing up my relationship with my child.
When my other kids wanted to swim, I
took them to morning practices and went to the meets and cheered them on. But I’m not doing it for a kid who doesn’t want to be there.

It's bonkers that your kids would leave an activity and just walk home without permission. Something is wrong there.

I have a kid who gets nervous about new things so I often have to push her to try activities. I only push on things I think she'll enjoy. For instance, last summer I signed her up for a sewing camp. She threw a fit and didn't want to go. When I finally figured out the issue, it turned out she was concerned that she didn't know how to sew so wouldn't know how to do it. I explained that no one expects 8 yo to be proficient at sewing and they'll show her how. She went to camp very, very reluctantly the first day, but had a terrific time and ended up loving it.

My dd's like this with pretty much all aspects of life--hesitant at first but then warms up. If she tries something and hates it, I do let her quit if I think she's given it a fair try. But I do ask her to try new things and don't let her just sit home because it feels safe to her and is easier for me.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this with one of my kids- but he is also not very creative so when he says he just wants to relax , he will read and then ask to watch screens or play video games (screens are limited to an hour a day, maybe 2 if he has a new video games). So it’s an issue. I want him to have SOMETHING he enjoys in terms of sports or activities because I do not want to have a middle schooler or a high schooler on my hands with no extra curriculars. In my experience, that’s where true deeper friendships develop and I think a 15 year old with nothing to do from 225pm- midnight is going to find something to do that isn’t ideal.

This child finally found a desire to play golf, which is more individual and therefore more up his alley. He is pretty good and has asked to join a youth golf league. So I’m glad I kept pushing him to think outside the box for something he might want to try (no one in my family golfs)

[Anonymous]

When they are little you need to expose them to try a lot of things as they just don't know what's out there. Screens are not available for my kids during the week. And we also follow the idea of something for the body and something for the mind. Doesn't have to be structured in a class but has to be a routine so things like regular runs or bike rides or climbing is fine. Mine also like to relax at home and are general creative with legos or art projects. As soon as I hear "I'm bored" they get a chore to do. Neither kid is a team sport kid to we martial arts and tennis and bikes and swim in summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No forcing.
However, our rule was once you agree to start a sport/activity -- you finish it/see it through.

No quitting mid point if there are no health issues

Funny how different things work for different kids. I do force my kids to try one or two activities per year (say, a fall sport and a spring dance class for example). I say it is good to dabble and try things and see what you like. However, I keep expectations low and I tell them if they attend 2-3 sessions of the activity and truly hate it or it’s truly a bad fit, they do not have to continue.

The relaxing on the commitment end of things makes them less anxious about picking something to try because they know if they really dislike it, they can quit.

I think the anxiety of “ok I’ll sign you up for karate- just know that once I’ve signed you up, you need to attend all 16 classes no matter what” would make my kids resist even trying anything. The way I do it, they’re willing to try because they know it’s no big deal if they quit later. And they’ve each only quit one thing early.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to figure out why she doesn't want to do it. I have a kid who resists trying things, and the reason why is that she doesn't like being bad at things and when you first start, you are often not good. This issue gets worse as kids get older.

We worked to find intro classes that were age appropriate (no sticking a 10 yr old in a class with 6 yr olds, but also don't stick a beginner in a class with kids who have been at it for years). Sometimes that might mean the first few lessons are solo privates and then we talk to the instructor about where to place her (this is how she got started in tennis, which she loves, but she was completely terrified of going to a group class with kids who already knew how to play or are the sort who taken to ball sports really easily).

I bet you anything that part of her DOES want to do some kind of activity but that fear and insecurity (whether about the activity or socially) are what are holding her back. So it's actually really important you figure it out and help her find something, not only so she has an extra-curricular, but also so she learns how to fight through those fears and try new things. That's a life skill, just like swimming or cooking. You can't abandon her on this.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I "force" is when my kids say they enjoy something but they don't put in the work. Say you want to play an instrument? I will make you practice. Say you want to be on a sports team? I will make you put in the work. Say you want a lesson for your sport? You'd better well be getting out and doing the drills from lessons with a parent or on your own in between lessons.