Literally just stopped caring about ‘disappearing’

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP, you posted about this before? I swear the exact same example about being in the bathroom too long and people loudly clamoring for your presence rings a bell.

Regardless, good for you! Just because they want things one way doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to be. The vacation has to work for everybody. Personally, I have no problem saying that I want to go to the drugstore by myself just come out and say, “I need a little downtime“ or “I need a few minutes to myself.” They can live with it.

So funny that you don’t realize that many people have experienced this.

[Anonymous]

As an introvert, this sounds like hell.

My in-laws are great overall (minus a couple MAGA weirdos) but very extroverted. When we visit, I obviously enjoy spending time with them but make it a point to go on solo Starbucks runs, to the gym, etc. it’s a nice break for me and no one seems to mind.

[Anonymous]

The reason to announce ahead of time your schedule and to stick to a schedule of when you're not available is to prevent others from thinking or discussing among themselves that "something happened" or "what did we do?"

[Anonymous]

NP and my mom is like this. Crazy anxiety, zero inner monologue, and no sense of boundaries or reading others’ cues.

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to close my bedroom door and I couldn’t sit still or else she’d start the questions. Visits are exhausting so I mostly avoid them now. She will hover near the bathroom and listen so closely that if she hears the toilet paper roll rotating too many times, she’ll start to ask panicked questions about if we are something bad or are sick.

There’s nowhere in her house to hide or take quiet time so I try to make up errands that seem generous and useful, like a dump run or going to get takeout. When I first got my driver’s permit, I think the gas in our cars never went below 7/8th of a tank because going to the gas station was considered an acceptable disappearance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, this sounds like hell.

My in-laws are great overall (minus a couple MAGA weirdos) but very extroverted. When we visit, I obviously enjoy spending time with them but make it a point to go on solo Starbucks runs, to the gym, etc. it’s a nice break for me and no one seems to mind.

I tried to go for a run to escape my ILs early in my marriage. I heard footsteps behind me about 250 yards into my run. It was my FIL in jeans and a button-down shirt and leather shoes. He followed me for a 6-mile run even after I told him I was fine and he didn’t need to run with me and so on.

I can almost look back on it and laugh, but only because he is tragically immobilized by dementia and so I know it can’t happen again.

[Anonymous]

Geez, these examples are crazy. I have never experienced people like this.

[Anonymous]

Shades of my high school friend’s mother - this was in the days of land line phones, and you’d have to pray that my friend or her brother or her dad answered the phone because if it was her mom, you were in for a 30 minute monologue before she put my friend on the phone! Going to visit in person was equally insane as her mom was a very “close talker” and could literally crowd you into a corner. And she was about 5’10” and built like a linebacker too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and my mom is like this. Crazy anxiety, zero inner monologue, and no sense of boundaries or reading others’ cues.

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to close my bedroom door and I couldn’t sit still or else she’d start the questions. Visits are exhausting so I mostly avoid them now. She will hover near the bathroom and listen so closely that if she hears the toilet paper roll rotating too many times, she’ll start to ask panicked questions about if we are something bad or are sick.

There’s nowhere in her house to hide or take quiet time so I try to make up errands that seem generous and useful, like a dump run or going to get takeout. When I first got my driver’s permit, I think the gas in our cars never went below 7/8th of a tank because going to the gas station was considered an acceptable disappearance!

OMG we have the same mother!!!

I have put an ocean between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, these examples are crazy. I have never experienced people like this.

Be so, so grateful. My ILs hover and pounce and the can never relax around them.

[Anonymous]

There's a bigger hurdle here, a hurdle that's hard for young adults. You're not being respected. No one gets to manipulate you emotionally. If you are financially independent, you deserve to be viewed as an equal adult. But you have to do the work, in some families more than others. The work is: you have got to be willing to let Mommy and Daddy be mad. Mad/hurt, whatever their emotional manipulation formula/power over you is. Like all equal adult relationships, there are times of adjustment to behavior. You have to live through it and the relationship will eventually adjust to a better state

[Anonymous]

adding to the above in case it's not clear, you set boundaries. You are entitled to.

[Anonymous]

I hattteeee spending time with people like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, this sounds like hell.

My in-laws are great overall (minus a couple MAGA weirdos) but very extroverted. When we visit, I obviously enjoy spending time with them but make it a point to go on solo Starbucks runs, to the gym, etc. it’s a nice break for me and no one seems to mind.

I tried to go for a run to escape my ILs early in my marriage. I heard footsteps behind me about 250 yards into my run. It was my FIL in jeans and a button-down shirt and leather shoes. He followed me for a 6-mile run even after I told him I was fine and he didn’t need to run with me and so on.

I can almost look back on it and laugh, but only because he is tragically immobilized by dementia and so I know it can’t happen again.

Oh my goodness! That made me laugh. Hopefully he had good intentions / was trying to make sure you were safe versus being intrusive.

[Anonymous]

I just spent a long weekend with my MIL where she drunkenly called my 14 yo DD "stupid as shit" for using a butter knife to cut grilled chicken.

She will never again be allowed on any sort of family vacation with our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just spent a long weekend with my MIL where she drunkenly called my 14 yo DD "stupid as shit" for using a butter knife to cut grilled chicken.

She will never again be allowed on any sort of family vacation with our family.

Good for you for protecting your daughter!