Literally just stopped caring about ‘disappearing’

[Anonymous]

When we visit my ILs or they stay with us, or we vacation together, they expect Constant Contact. Everyone must be together, all the time, “chatting.” Every activity = together. If you even run to the drugstore, it should be an opportunity for everyone to go. On and on. If you are in the bathroom too long or step away to make a phone call, it’s “Where’s Susan?!” “Where’s Brian?!” “Oh THERE you are…where WERE you?!” Whenever someone dares to do something solo or want time to themselves/small group, it’s “What’s wrong?” “What’s wrong with him?” “Is something wrong?” No, being an introvert who needs an hour to recharge is not “wrong.”

God, enough. Today after we went on a hike and a picnic, we got back to the house, and I told my husband I was taking a nap. Every 10 minutes, I loudly hear someone ask where I am, even though DH and the girls are telling them: she’s taking a nap.

Welp, I’m over it. I’m officially done playing this stupid game. I’m staying in here until dinner and I no longer give a crap what these needy, whiny, incessant extroverts do or say.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to be like this. I feel you. I don't know what changed and why she's so much better now, but thank God.

My in laws, thankfully, are great people.

Good for you OP. You do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this, because she's very anxious.

What works is for everyone to get their own hotel room, OP. Otherwise I don't see how you can survive another visit. It's a lot. Thank goodness my in-laws are not like this!

[Anonymous]

They sound insecure. Is it your mother in law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound insecure. Is it your mother in law?

Thank you all for the commiseration! It’s both of them. They are both extreme extroverts who love attention. They are major gossips, and are the type who will accost anyone and talk their ear off. Don’t wear a college shirt of any sort near them—MIL was a high school guidance counselor, and they will come up and yap your ear off about That One Time We Visited Colgate.

[Anonymous]

OP, you posted about this before? I swear the exact same example about being in the bathroom too long and people loudly clamoring for your presence rings a bell.

Regardless, good for you! Just because they want things one way doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to be. The vacation has to work for everybody. Personally, I have no problem saying that I want to go to the drugstore by myself just come out and say, “I need a little downtime“ or “I need a few minutes to myself.” They can live with it.

[Anonymous]

My family is like this too and it drives me nuts. The only thing that works is getting our own place to stay when we visit them or when we travel together and insisting they get their own place to stay when they visit us. It was hard to do in the beginning bc we used to always stay together on visits/trips. But now that we’re used to it, I think we all prefer it. This way we at least know that we’ll have the evenings after dinner and the mornings until after breakfast to ourselves and it’s ok spending the whole day together w them. And just keep taking time to yourself as needed and ignore their comments. Eventually they’ll get used to it.

I feel much happier and more energetic and pleasant to be around once I’ve had down time/time to myself (or really time w just my spouse and kids…I don’t need to be alone. I just need to be away from the large group that includes my parents and siblings and their families). My DH and kids and I enjoy our time w the extended family so much more w our current “system” and I know that makes it more fun for everyone ultimately. Before (when we stayed together) my DH and kids and I (all introverts) were miserable and grumpy bc we hate being “on” all the time and incessant talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you posted about this before? I swear the exact same example about being in the bathroom too long and people loudly clamoring for your presence rings a bell.

Regardless, good for you! Just because they want things one way doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to be. The vacation has to work for everybody. Personally, I have no problem saying that I want to go to the drugstore by myself just come out and say, “I need a little downtime“ or “I need a few minutes to myself.” They can live with it.

NP and my in-laws are also like this. To the point where they will just straight-up talk to people who are in the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Omg. If someone talks to me through the bathroom door, I feel absolutely homicidal. Please tell us that you beat them back and ask them to give you some privacy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. If someone talks to me through the bathroom door, I feel absolutely homicidal. Please tell us that you beat them back and ask them to give you some privacy!

I told them after the first time they did it to me that if that’s what they do, fine, but if they do that to me they should know that I will literally never respond.

[Anonymous]

I'd just explain (even if not true) that I came from a family with more need for alone/personal time and it was stressing me out to have Constant Contact. That if I disappear, I am fine, nothing is wrong, but just need time away. That if they intrude/don't allow me to have this time, something WILL be wrong.

PS try to stay in separate lodging when travelling.

[Anonymous]

LOL my ILs are exactly like this and my husband, SIL and I call the phenomenon “What’s Happening.”

MIL says “What’s happening?” Every time she enters a room, or approaches people outside, or sits down, or peeks into a room that had a *closed door* with no knock. Ha-whutz Haaaapennning?

It’s like…”Oh, people are pouring cereal into bowls because it’s breakfast.” Or, “People are reading magazines after a long day of talking to one another,” or “We’re playing Monopoly, so what you do is roll the dice and then move your figure around the board…”

Ugh, what’s happening?

[Anonymous]

I too am stressed out by stuff like this. And my kids are even worse about it. If I go to my room to “escape” my kids loudly wonder where I am and they come get me.

At home they occupy themselves a lot more and I enforce a two hour nap/reading time (depending on their age) from 1-3. At my in-laws they don’t have their own rooms so there’s no napping. At 9pm I go to bed and that seems to be okay. Everyone knows I read books in bed.

My own parents tell me they’re disappointed in me when I was reading one afternoon after days at my parents house.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. My mother is a huge extrovert and I love her but omg! She used to read the newspaper out loud to me while I was drinking my coffee…until I started leaving the room. I had to make it *abundantly clear* that talking before I had coffee was not cool. It’s ok to set boundaries. These people could be in your life for 30-40 year so do what you need to do to!

[Anonymous]

You can say in advance of any visit/vacation, "I'm not going to be available until after 12 noon. Everyday. Something like that/ Get up when you want, and leave. Do whatever. Why wouldn't you have been doing this all along?