Summer/holiday plans w in-laws

[Anonymous]

My fil tried to get me to give him dates for a trip we don’t even want to go on. I’m not hearing one more thing about it and will get on a plane if dh handles it. Otherwise? No.

[Anonymous]

It is important to me that my kids know both sides of the family and I really like my in laws but they are terrible at planning. So what I would do is write my in laws an email or text (however you typically communicate) telling them the dates just before and just after your trip to see your parents. Tell them those are the 2 times you could come see them this summer and to let you know asap if either dates work for them. If they say yes, those dates look great—awesome. If not—well, you tried. But don’t offer any back up options for getting together. Be clear from the start that those are the 2 dates you could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

Okay, how the F does “equal time” work when the husband doesn’t make plans?

Let’s say the kids have sports camp or swim team for 6 weeks of summer. Then OP has a week beach vacation with her family on the calendar. Maybe a wedding and another weekend trip. Now there are only 3 possible weeks they’re available to see the in-laws. Husband still won’t make plans. How do you give everyone equal time if those 3 weeks don’t work?

Please explain how to give everyone equal time without becoming the husband’s secretary.

[Anonymous]

My husband calls his parents every Sunday. I stand right in front of him while he’s on the phone and mouth “visit this summer.” Or I stand over him while he writes the text.

I decided that I felt my obligation to my ILs was that I made sure they saw the kids 2x per year. Both DH and ILs are passive about planning (which drives me batty), but I know it’s important to them to see each other. So I just hound my husband and try not to resent anyone. Any additional visits, presents, communication, etc. is on him.

[Anonymous]

Skip the trip. No one seems interested

[Anonymous]

This really is about which value is more important to you: having your husband step up and accept more responsibility, or maintaining relationships between your children and their paternal grandparents. Both are important values, but for me the latter would be more important, probably because I have sons myself and want to make sure they grow up appreciating both sides of their family since I’ll be in that boat as a grandparent one day. I would have a sit down with your spouse and really explain to him why both of these are important, and that it is not ok for him to let this slide. He needs to nail down dates with his parents not only out of respect for their role in the kids’ lives, but because he respect you and understands it shouldn’t all be about you doing the work of this. Communication is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to go on a trip with this side of the family? You don't. It sounds like your husband and in-laws don't care that much about a trip. So why would you care more than them?

In laws aren’t showing they don’t care. They are just used to OP and her husband managing the logistics and are probably waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

I a disagree with the equal time
If someone doesn’t care to see me, I don’t care to arrange my summer around so that they get time equal to those who care to see me (my family)

That’s NOT what is happening here. OP is planning things for her side of the family. You can’t say OP’s family cares more simply because the work is being done by OP where its not by her spouse for his side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

Okay, how the F does “equal time” work when the husband doesn’t make plans?

Let’s say the kids have sports camp or swim team for 6 weeks of summer. Then OP has a week beach vacation with her family on the calendar. Maybe a wedding and another weekend trip. Now there are only 3 possible weeks they’re available to see the in-laws. Husband still won’t make plans. How do you give everyone equal time if those 3 weeks don’t work?

Please explain how to give everyone equal time without becoming the husband’s secretary.

See the post directly above yours. An email isn’t becoming someone’s secretary.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I don't have a relationship where we really resent doig things like this for eachother - we gripe but realize we have mutual give and take.

Anyway if this were me I'd say "DH, we're visitng my family July 5-10. Do you want to visit your family July 1-5 or July 10-15? Or neither or OK with either. Is it OK with you if I email your parents? I'll cc: you."

Then email them. Then make the plans.

But that's just what I'd do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Your husband and his parents either prioritize this or not. I have never picked up the rope with my husband’s family even though I like them a lot. Your husband is a competent human and so are they.

And don’t do the same road trip twice. If that happens, tell your husband to take the kids without you. They will either have a blast or your husband will never make this mistake again. You never know.

THIS!

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to go on a trip with this side of the family? You don't. It sounds like your husband and in-laws don't care that much about a trip. So why would you care more than them?

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every Sunday. I stand right in front of him while he’s on the phone and mouth “visit this summer.” Or I stand over him while he writes the text.

I decided that I felt my obligation to my ILs was that I made sure they saw the kids 2x per year. Both DH and ILs are passive about planning (which drives me batty), but I know it’s important to them to see each other. So I just hound my husband and try not to resent anyone. Any additional visits, presents, communication, etc. is on him.

Why do you do this with the in-laws? If they really wanted to see your kids they would make an effort. Not that they dislike your kids, but sounds like they’re pretty neutral. You are doing this for your own satisfaction. The in-laws don’t care either way I probably do see it as somewhat of a hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every Sunday. I stand right in front of him while he’s on the phone and mouth “visit this summer.” Or I stand over him while he writes the text.

I decided that I felt my obligation to my ILs was that I made sure they saw the kids 2x per year. Both DH and ILs are passive about planning (which drives me batty), but I know it’s important to them to see each other. So I just hound my husband and try not to resent anyone. Any additional visits, presents, communication, etc. is on him.

I can’t believe you have to do this with a grown adult man. How unattractive. You sound like his mommy. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.

I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.