Summer/holiday plans w in-laws

[Anonymous]

Seeking advice here…

Me: DW of 15 years, small kids, job, neutral to positive relationship with in-laws.

My husband: same boat as me, less close with his own side of the family than I am with my side, but no ill will or issues with his side.

Issue: My plate is full and I am managing summer plans with my side of the family. I am more than happy to participate in summer plans with his side but do not have desire or capacity to run point on plans with his side. I have successfully avoided being the point of contact with his side but the problem is that neither he nor his side are being proactive about planning.

I’ve asked husband multiple times to please nail down plans with his side. He’s done nothing.

Am I in the wrong for letting it lie? I really do not want to initiate plans with my I laws but worry that if plans don’t come together soon we’ll miss the boat on getting together - or be boxed into an inconvenient plan.

Advice??

[Anonymous]

Do you have flexibility this summer? If yes then I would just let it be and see what happens.

If no, then I would make plans with your family, identify what week(s) you can do something with the in laws, and tell your dh that those are the dates to tell his fam.

Vacations with the extended family are not a yearly necessity

[Anonymous]

Yep. Just got a looooong email from SIL saying she felt overwhelmed about being the point person for finding the rental for an extended family get together with different priorities and budgets and maybe we just shouldn't do it.

I mean, maybe not? We are one of the families with lower budgets and fewer people. I suggested some more rustic and affordable options back in January and oldest SIL immediately shot them down. We also said we'd be fine staying in a nearby campground and visiting during the day if our needs were too far apart. I am usually the super advance planner but I don't really feel the desire to do the legwork, AND the prepayment, for my husband's giant family.

So yeah, I hear what you're saying, but I'd let it lie. You can't care more than everyone else if it's actually important to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Just got a looooong email from SIL saying she felt overwhelmed about being the point person for finding the rental for an extended family get together with different priorities and budgets and maybe we just shouldn't do it.

I mean, maybe not? We are one of the families with lower budgets and fewer people. I suggested some more rustic and affordable options back in January and oldest SIL immediately shot them down. We also said we'd be fine staying in a nearby campground and visiting during the day if our needs were too far apart. I am usually the super advance planner but I don't really feel the desire to do the legwork, AND the prepayment, for my husband's giant family.

So yeah, I hear what you're saying, but I'd let it lie. You can't care more than everyone else if it's actually important to them.

PS I really do like my in laws and get where my SIL is coming from feeling stressed. I just had to tap out of this one. It doesn't feel like my place to take lead and try to please everyone as the only DIL.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to go on a trip with this side of the family? You don't. It sounds like your husband and in-laws don't care that much about a trip. So why would you care more than them?

[Anonymous]

Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

I a disagree with the equal time
If someone doesn’t care to see me, I don’t care to arrange my summer around so that they get time equal to those who care to see me (my family)

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. Your husband and his parents either prioritize this or not. I have never picked up the rope with my husband’s family even though I like them a lot. Your husband is a competent human and so are they.

And don’t do the same road trip twice. If that happens, tell your husband to take the kids without you. They will either have a blast or your husband will never make this mistake again. You never know.

[Anonymous]

In an email. It needs to be written. From him "if we visit you this summer, which date works best: x to y date OR this other X to y date." For our planning, we need to know an answer by x date. If we don't hear we may not be able to visit.

And then if they don't give a date, it's not your fault if you don't see them.

[Anonymous]

I’ve only once gone on vacation with my inlaws, not because I don’t like them, but because no one plans and it’s like herding cats.

So don’t plan, and don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only once gone on vacation with my inlaws, not because I don’t like them, but because no one plans and it’s like herding cats.

So don’t plan, and don’t go.

Me again. Married 21 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Your husband and his parents either prioritize this or not. I have never picked up the rope with my husband’s family even though I like them a lot. Your husband is a competent human and so are they.

And don’t do the same road trip twice. If that happens, tell your husband to take the kids without you. They will either have a blast or your husband will never make this mistake again. You never know.

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

I would just refuse to make the trip twice. It's only happened because you were a wuss and didn't refuse.

[Anonymous]

This is not that difficult. Just go ahead and make your plans. Sign the kids up for camp. Make the visit to your parents. And if the middle of July rolls around and your ILs bug you about spending a week with them in early August, then it’s okay to say, “Oh, that won’t work for me. The kids have camp, and I didn’t request the time off of work. Perhaps Bob might want to take the kids to see you. Here, let me put him on the phone.”