Summer/holiday plans w in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.

I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.

You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.

Such a dumb post and you post this drivel again and again. This isn't how people work. You would be such an awful boy mom.

Boy moms are the ones making sure the dad’s parents have a relationship with the grandkids, obviously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

Why does SHE have to be the one to ensure equal time. Doesn’t seem like DH cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

As you describe it I would send an email to his side of the family (with your DH cc'd) letting them know the dates you'll be there and ask if they want to get together on either side of those dates. I would not make a second trip, but I would make some effort to see them and let them know you're in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

As you describe it I would send an email to his side of the family (with your DH cc'd) letting them know the dates you'll be there and ask if they want to get together on either side of those dates. I would not make a second trip, but I would make some effort to see them and let them know you're in town.

This

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

As you describe it I would send an email to his side of the family (with your DH cc'd) letting them know the dates you'll be there and ask if they want to get together on either side of those dates. I would not make a second trip, but I would make some effort to see them and let them know you're in town.

This

+1. And if they don’t respond and you were planning to take vacation days anyway, then narrow it down to one set of dates and book a refundable hotel or AirBnB at a nearby destination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

As you describe it I would send an email to his side of the family (with your DH cc'd) letting them know the dates you'll be there and ask if they want to get together on either side of those dates. I would not make a second trip, but I would make some effort to see them and let them know you're in town.

I would do this, although I would strongly prefer my husband to send the email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

As you describe it I would send an email to his side of the family (with your DH cc'd) letting them know the dates you'll be there and ask if they want to get together on either side of those dates. I would not make a second trip, but I would make some effort to see them and let them know you're in town.

This

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the responses!

To clarify, I’m not talking about planning a destination vacation. More something along the lines of us visiting them. In-laws live a couple hours from my side (both are a full day drive/plane ride from where we live) so would make sense to coordinate a visit to them right before or right after our visit with my side. Dates for visit to my side are solidified. DH has the dates and I’ve asked him to ask his side if they’re available at either end of our planned trip. And… nothing.

I realllllyyy don’t want to make this road trip twice in one summer to make sure his side gets equal time. It’s happened before.

Make it clear to your husband that he plans around the dates; otherwise, you are not visiting his side of the family. And then let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seeking advice here…

Me: DW of 15 years, small kids, job, neutral to positive relationship with in-laws.

My husband: same boat as me, less close with his own side of the family than I am with my side, but no ill will or issues with his side.

Issue: My plate is full and I am managing summer plans with my side of the family. I am more than happy to participate in summer plans with his side but do not have desire or capacity to run point on plans with his side. I have successfully avoided being the point of contact with his side but the problem is that neither he nor his side are being proactive about planning.

I’ve asked husband multiple times to please nail down plans with his side. He’s done nothing.

Am I in the wrong for letting it lie? I really do not want to initiate plans with my I laws but worry that if plans don’t come together soon we’ll miss the boat on getting together - or be boxed into an inconvenient plan.

Advice??

Just skip it this year. Tell the truth, there is no shame in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seeking advice here…

Me: DW of 15 years, small kids, job, neutral to positive relationship with in-laws.

My husband: same boat as me, less close with his own side of the family than I am with my side, but no ill will or issues with his side.

Issue: My plate is full and I am managing summer plans with my side of the family. I am more than happy to participate in summer plans with his side but do not have desire or capacity to run point on plans with his side. I have successfully avoided being the point of contact with his side but the problem is that neither he nor his side are being proactive about planning.

I’ve asked husband multiple times to please nail down plans with his side. He’s done nothing.

Am I in the wrong for letting it lie? I really do not want to initiate plans with my I laws but worry that if plans don’t come together soon we’ll miss the boat on getting together - or be boxed into an inconvenient plan.

Advice??

Just skip it this year. Tell the truth, there is no shame in that.

Yes, this. You're not obligated to take vacations and if other people want more vacations, they can handle them for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.

Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.

I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.

You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.

No you are modeling that relationships are two way streets. I don’t expect my kids to drop everything, give up family vacations and pamper me. If I give nothing I shouldn’t expect people to jump for me. Good grief!

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Your kids don’t know the details of how you and your spouse split logistics. What they see is that the dad’s family isn’t included and the mom’s is.

Not necessarily- growing up I was very aware that my dad handled the logistics for visiting/ seeing his side (mostly) and my mom (mostly) did her side. Eg when we were in high school and wanted a get together for my dad's family he would ask us if we had plans specific weekends and what would work- so I know he was doing the work. Now that I am married I follow basically the same structure with our families- my husband mostly plans stuff for us to do with his family and me with mine. It works, zero nagging, etc