Caught DD smoking, I can't do this anymore

[Anonymous]

Do you have pics of your parents suffering at the end? Show them to her. Talk about everything they had to endure.

It's easier not to smoke than to have to try to stop smoking as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today I caught DD (16) smoking on our fire escape. Now both of my parents passed away from lung cancer so this really, really hurt outside of the normal anger you'd expect. I didn't handle it well, started screaming at her and asking if she wanted to die of cancer. Especially bc my younger daughter has asthma I can't tolerate this, I don't know if I should even just disown her or something because this is just to much. What would you do?

She has every right to kill herself. If you don't want her to kill herself, give her something to live for; don't bully her.

[Anonymous]

Have her doctor talk to her about this. Write her a letter if you cannot calmly discuss this with her. In the letter explain why you lost it and then explain all your concerns.

Keep track of money she has, search her room, smell her clothing for cigarette smoke, and have consequences. Smoking is a health risk to the whole family.

You need to meet with a family therapist if you think that making a bad teenage choice is grounds for disowning. If you really think that, you have much larger problems than smoking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both need to get in therapy now.

Oh give me a break. OP doesn’t need therapy. Anger is a normal emotion. Living in a box where your emotions are controlled at all times isn’t exactly normal, or even ideal.

The anger OP showed might be precisely what is needed.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you are so emotional about this that you're even saying "maybe I should just disown her", you're too emotional to handle this. I get it and I get why you're reacting so strongly. But it is NOT a productive way to manage it. Freaking out and going completely overboard will just cause her to hide it vs stop the behavior. If you can't come at this from a calmer place, is there another parent who can?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both need to get in therapy now.

Oh give me a break. OP doesn’t need therapy. Anger is a normal emotion. Living in a box where your emotions are controlled at all times isn’t exactly normal, or even ideal.

The anger OP showed might be precisely what is needed.

It's not. I completely get why OP is angry and I certainly don't think she needs therapy. But my mom reacted with anger and a lot of emotion and it's really not an effective way to manage a teenager's behavior. (Not telling her where I was going with friends, saying I was going to a friend's house and doing something else, being late for curfew) It just made me defensive, pushback, and sneaky. If OP tells her daughter she's going to disown her if she keeps smoking, nothing productive is going to come from it. Her daughter isn't going to take her seriously, she's going to think OP is horrible for saying that, and then when she doesn't stop what's OP going to do? Follow through and actually disown her 16 year old? Or not and show her that she will make threats like that (which my mom did and it damaged our relationship).

[Anonymous]

Disown your child? Come on. You need to set your emotions aside and focus on your child's well being. Most teens are not very receptive to the scare tactics in this thread. You can have an adult she trusts talk to her about health consequences, but she's likely to be more responsive to considerations that cause problems in the short term, and how smoking affects appearance.

If she's been smoking a lot, she may need patches etc. to stop. And like everyone else, habits are incredibly hard to break by "just stopping." Help her find a replacement.

[Anonymous]

Smoking is considered a low-class/trashy habit nowadays so parents are much more likely to fly off the handle about it. It looks like a one-way ticket to downward mobility. If your kid was sneaking Adderall would you be this upset?
I suggest you have a calm conversation about this and stop giving her money. If she wants cigarettes so badly she can earn the money for them. I suspect this will just be a teenage phase.

[Anonymous]

Both of my aunts died from smoking (lung cancer and emphysema) in their 50s. One had quit for 10 years but still got cancer.

Their illnesses showed NO mercy. It was horrific what they went through. One of them had to have a trach and needed 24 hour medical care so had to be put in a nursing home at 49 years old.

These ads are of real people like my aunts. If you go the vanity route, I’d have her watch as many as possible. They’re supposed to be disturbing (people without jaw bones, no voice box, etc). Smoking kills at least 50% of the people who do smoke, not accounting for the theses exposed to second hand smoke. nicotine is super addictive.

Good luck.

https://youtu.be/5zWB4dLYChM?si=z_C-6vVqZWWZUW8k

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are letting your emotions cloud your judgment. This is far from a reason to disown her!

You need to talk to her, calmly explain your whys, find out why she is smoking and see if you can find a replacement. Is it stress? Or is it defiance? Does she need a therapist? Or will just chewing gum work?

+1

You need to separate your grief about past family members from your daughter’s well-being in the present, even if it’s hard. Scare tactics and unresolved anger are not going to make her change.

My dad recently told us that he smoked heavily when he was younger but finally stopped when a heavy-smoking coworker he cared about died from lung cancer. Also, he was having trouble staying fit, climbing stairs etc so wanted to stop. And he realized the underlying addiction was partly bc of untreated anxiety.

There need to be *positive motivators in the present* or meaningful losses in the present for your daughter to actually change her behavior.

[Anonymous]

I did some pretty dumb stuff as a teen, including occasional smoking and drinking. I knew it was bad for me. Chances are, it won't become a habit and there won't be any effects from their experimentation. Even in my social smoker years, I was able to run fast marathons and the doctor said my lungs are fine.

I know it's scary, though, given the history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have pics of your parents suffering at the end? Show them to her. Talk about everything they had to endure.

It's easier not to smoke than to have to try to stop smoking as an adult.

OMG why would they "have pics of their parents suffering at the end"???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did some pretty dumb stuff as a teen, including occasional smoking and drinking. I knew it was bad for me. Chances are, it won't become a habit and there won't be any effects from their experimentation. Even in my social smoker years, I was able to run fast marathons and the doctor said my lungs are fine.

I know it's scary, though, given the history.

+1. I know it's hard to believe it now OP but as someone who went through something similar it really will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Well i wouldn't disown her

[Anonymous]

You are emotional and going to get a lot of advice on here, most of it you should ignore. Be mad. Vent to us. Say whatever you want to us but not to your kid. No, you don’t disown her. We don’t know if you said that in anger. You probably did.

Look, a teen might not care if you start giving her a million facts about smoking and guilt about the relatives. But you have to try in a calm manner. When everyone has calmed down, you have a conversation about disease and addiction. I’ve talked to my kids about how addiction runs in the family and who has overcome it and their struggles and who has died. I don’t sugar coat anything.

I tried smoking and DH regularly smoked when he was younger. Neither of us smoke as adults. DH still struggles with the urge, that didn’t go away. He will talk about it.