Caught DD smoking, I can't do this anymore

[Anonymous]

Today I caught DD (16) smoking on our fire escape. Now both of my parents passed away from lung cancer so this really, really hurt outside of the normal anger you'd expect. I didn't handle it well, started screaming at her and asking if she wanted to die of cancer. Especially bc my younger daughter has asthma I can't tolerate this, I don't know if I should even just disown her or something because this is just to much. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

No advice but I don't think you're a bad parent for losing it.

[Anonymous]

I can understand why you’re upset, but that was probably an ineffective parenting strategy.

[Anonymous]

You are letting your emotions cloud your judgment. This is far from a reason to disown her!

You need to talk to her, calmly explain your whys, find out why she is smoking and see if you can find a replacement. Is it stress? Or is it defiance? Does she need a therapist? Or will just chewing gum work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand why you’re upset, but that was probably an ineffective parenting strategy.

So are you going to help them or just demean them?

[Anonymous]

Good for you. Smoking is a huge deal.

Take away her phone and other devices for multiple hours a day. She will need them some to do her homework. Make her sit at the kitchen table and do her homework. Otherwise, the devices are with you except if and when she needs to take them to school.

Take away her spending money.

[Anonymous]

Definitely do not disown her. Did you never do anything wrong as a teen? It’s what teens do. Obviously I don’t think you should be buying her cigarettes, but I also think you need to calm down because if you go all crazy on her then she will just get better at hiding things from you.

[Anonymous]

Introduce her to the other poster whose DS has been smoking at boarding school and is on his way home. They can share an oxygen tank.

[Anonymous]

I would die on this hill. If she has inherited some genetic predispositions for lung cancer from her grandparents, she WILL die from it. It's a horrible way to die. Research it, and show her videos. There is a quasi 100% chance of developing lung cancer if you have the genetic markers AND smoke. And even with the newest cytokine inhibitors, the survival rate after treatment is still quite low.

Don't let up, OP. Insist.

[Anonymous]

Well you don't disown her.

Where does she get money for cigarettes?

[Anonymous]

She will just smoke somewhere else. I have on off again smoked since 17. I would not play the lung cancer angle (very sorry about your parents) but the vanity angle. Yellow teeth, wrinkles, big pores.

[Anonymous]

You both need to get in therapy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will just smoke somewhere else. I have on off again smoked since 17. I would not play the lung cancer angle (very sorry about your parents) but the vanity angle. Yellow teeth, wrinkles, big pores.

Yes, the vanity angle is the way to go. That was by far the most effective argument when I was a teen/young adult, especially girls (boys thought it made them look cooler sooo…)

[Anonymous]

Could play her an audio of my grandmother coughing. The yellow teeth and smelling appealing to vanity. Smoking also cost my grandmother her teeth as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to say that I get it. My mother died of alcoholism and I was VERY triggered when I found alcohol in my young teen's room. I did not handle it well but with the help of my husband who was more level headed, since he didn't have the same relationship/stigma with alcohol that I do, we had a good talk with her. We can't control what they do, or their outcomes. Its so hard when we've lived it.