When do you fully step back?

[Anonymous]

She explicitly asked for your advice, so give your honest opinion. Had she not asked and told you to look at the hotel she just booked, then you do not offer advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

The problem is how firmly I do it. I gave it, but now what?

Now nothing, unless you think there is a serious issue that she's not seeing. Which means that you need to be comfortable with that grey area where you're not sure if it's important enough to insist. If she's younger and generally naive, and the area is truly dangerous, then you insist (but never order). If she's a seasoned traveler, then she might know better than you. Or maybe the area looks dangerous, but isn't really. My parents always used to insist when it came to safety, but with the passage of time, they've stopped. It's mostly due to their world shrinking: they feel less able to form an opinion in a world that has changed a lot; and they feel more comfortable than before that I'm going to pay attention to all those details.

Your relationship with your kids will change over time, so the main thing is to be flexible.

This. OP, if you want to influence your daughter, make sure your advice is up to date. My parents were dead set against me living on 14th St because in their minds, it's still how it was after the riots of the 1970s. Don't be that person. Be factual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

The problem is how firmly I do it. I gave it, but now what?

Now nothing, unless you think there is a serious issue that she's not seeing. Which means that you need to be comfortable with that grey area where you're not sure if it's important enough to insist. If she's younger and generally naive, and the area is truly dangerous, then you insist (but never order). If she's a seasoned traveler, then she might know better than you. Or maybe the area looks dangerous, but isn't really. My parents always used to insist when it came to safety, but with the passage of time, they've stopped. It's mostly due to their world shrinking: they feel less able to form an opinion in a world that has changed a lot; and they feel more comfortable than before that I'm going to pay attention to all those details.

Your relationship with your kids will change over time, so the main thing is to be flexible.

This. OP, if you want to influence your daughter, make sure your advice is up to date. My parents were dead set against me living on 14th St because in their minds, it's still how it was after the riots of the 1970s. Don't be that person. Be factual.

I am very factual and not going off on old info. I actually thought at first it was ok because the neighborhood is changing a bit and does have some trendier places now. Based on google maps it looked okay to me. But then I dug deeper: I've looked at a lot of info and opinions (current) including by people who live in the neighborhood right now. Several women say they do not feel safe at all and do not go out at night, a couple that it's fine, of course the men say it's ok for the most part, there are people smoking crack and some petty theft but they don't bother you...This sort of thing. Tourists either say it's fine and convenient, or that they had a terrible experience, someone got mugged, several had things stolen, were afraid to get back to hotel late at night...So this does not sound good to me at all and reassuring. I have told all this to dd and she tells me she doesn't care and it'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Unless you’re going to spring for the four seasons for both of them, you gotta let her live and learn. And I don’t mean get mugged. I mean land in a corner of the city that isn’t super safe so that she learns how to protect herself, her belongings, her friend, how to stay alert, etc etc. I do believe she will be fine. And I do understand your worry. I did at the time when mine was 18 too. Now well into early twenties and she’s more certain on how she likes to travel and I’m more confident in her judgment. It’s a growth process for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you’re going to spring for the four seasons for both of them, you gotta let her live and learn. And I don’t mean get mugged. I mean land in a corner of the city that isn’t super safe so that she learns how to protect herself, her belongings, her friend, how to stay alert, etc etc. I do believe she will be fine. And I do understand your worry. I did at the time when mine was 18 too. Now well into early twenties and she’s more certain on how she likes to travel and I’m more confident in her judgment. It’s a growth process for both of you.

I offered to pay a little more to make up the difference and find somewhere else but they are not interested in looking. I feel bad about the situation bc I think it will really impact their experience and the safety worries are very real. They are just not aware in a concrete way. I really hope nothing happens to them but I will worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you’re going to spring for the four seasons for both of them, you gotta let her live and learn. And I don’t mean get mugged. I mean land in a corner of the city that isn’t super safe so that she learns how to protect herself, her belongings, her friend, how to stay alert, etc etc. I do believe she will be fine. And I do understand your worry. I did at the time when mine was 18 too. Now well into early twenties and she’s more certain on how she likes to travel and I’m more confident in her judgment. It’s a growth process for both of you.

I offered to pay a little more to make up the difference and find somewhere else but they are not interested in looking. I feel bad about the situation bc I think it will really impact their experience and the safety worries are very real. They are just not aware in a concrete way. I really hope nothing happens to them but I will worry.

It sounds like you have done all you can do, and you will have to learn to deal with your anxiety on your own. I know it's hard but it's a fact of life. And tbh, this isn't even that bad compared to the risks some 18 year olds take.

[Anonymous]

My DD did some travel with friends around that age and there were a few times when I took a look at where she was planning to stay and weighed in with safety concerns. She was always going for the cheapest possible option and didn’t really understand in some urban areas that’s a bad idea. In the cases where i was worried proposed other places and offered to kick in a bit to make us safer neighbourhood possible. I think stepping back as a parent for these kinds of things is a process that happens overtime and depends on context, you don’t have to abandon that role all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She explicitly asked for your advice, so give your honest opinion. Had she not asked and told you to look at the hotel she just booked, then you do not offer advice.

Some of you aren’t Italian-American and it shows. She stays there and you don’t sleep all night. Give her the extra money for a safe place and it’s half a Xanax and Good Night Irene. I guess you let your “adult” 18 year olds drive in old, unsafe cars? Probably on your cell phone plan, on your health insurance. 18 is a baby. I could never.

[Anonymous]

All parents should get prescription for lifetime supply of anti anxiety meds at birth of their first child.

[Anonymous]

If it's a dangerous are you let her know and give her a chance to make the decision. Sadly, some kids have been raised in such a privileged bubble they don't understand what it is to be in a truly unsafe area. I assume if she's 18 you are helping her financially? If so, it's easier to gently, but firmly say they need to find a safer hotel. Just make sure you at least first give her a chance to have it be her idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's a dangerous are you let her know and give her a chance to make the decision. Sadly, some kids have been raised in such a privileged bubble they don't understand what it is to be in a truly unsafe area. I assume if she's 18 you are helping her financially? If so, it's easier to gently, but firmly say they need to find a safer hotel. Just make sure you at least first give her a chance to have it be her idea.

I tried. I offered more money but it’s not just dd and the friend does not want to spend more and neither of them as found anywhere comparable in price, aside from that same general area. Dd has money of her own plus i gave her money for graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's a dangerous are you let her know and give her a chance to make the decision. Sadly, some kids have been raised in such a privileged bubble they don't understand what it is to be in a truly unsafe area. I assume if she's 18 you are helping her financially? If so, it's easier to gently, but firmly say they need to find a safer hotel. Just make sure you at least first give her a chance to have it be her idea.

What are you going to do about it if she doesn't follow your gentle but firm attempt to control her?

[Anonymous]

It is time to move on. She has made her decision. While the neighborhood may be unsafe, there are likely greater odds she will get hurt in a car wreck than some random druggie shoots her.

Also, I would sort of question anyone talking about people “smoking crack” these days. There are a lot of drugs out there, but this is pretty old fashioned terminology. It would not make them particularly reliable to me.

[Anonymous]

Since she is 18 they probably don’t have enough money for a hotel in a better area

As a mom I would pay the difference to get a hotel in a safer area

[Anonymous]

Where is it? What city and area?