When do you fully step back?

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with this transition. Dd is going with a friend on a trip and they picked a hotel. She asked me for input and at first it looked fine but I looked into it further and turns out the area is not good at all. Do you prohibit her from staying there? Do you just warn her and say it's up to her? I did the latter but I am not sure I should have been firmer. Or was I wrong for even looking into it in the first place and I need to just not even research?

[Anonymous]

How old is DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am struggling with this transition. Dd is going with a friend on a trip and they picked a hotel. She asked me for input and at first it looked fine but I looked into it further and turns out the area is not good at all. Do you prohibit her from staying there? Do you just warn her and say it's up to her? I did the latter but I am not sure I should have been firmer. Or was I wrong for even looking into it in the first place and I need to just not even research?

You don't prohibit anything. They're an adult. You can tell them to check the area because you aren't sure it's safe. But frankly, you shouldn't have even looked into it.

[Anonymous]

Never. Why should you. My mom is 82. I talk to her every day for advice. Are u kidding me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is DD?

She is 18, sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. Why should you. My mom is 82. I talk to her every day for advice. Are u kidding me?

I talk to my mom often and we have a great relationship but I never have asked her for advice, even as a kid. I will tell her things but she doesn't ever tell me her opinion. My dd constantly asks for my opinion but I wonder if I should let her decide more on her own.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

I think if you try to "prohibit" her or constantly second-guess her choices, she will stop giving you as much information. You might be happier that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. Why should you. My mom is 82. I talk to her every day for advice. Are u kidding me?

I talk to my mom often and we have a great relationship but I never have asked her for advice, even as a kid. I will tell her things but she doesn't ever tell me her opinion. My dd constantly asks for my opinion but I wonder if I should let her decide more on her own.

Of course.

I am from a culture where everyone will give their opinion and you get to decide on the best course based on all the inputs and facts. The entire family and circle of friends are invested and usually the end results are better.

[Anonymous]

Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I think if you try to "prohibit" her or constantly second-guess her choices, she will stop giving you as much information. You might be happier that way.

She is 18. I would say I am a reasonable person who doesn't really "prohibit" much. I try to mitigate risk generally with still giving her freedom. But mitigating risk is a lot of mental work because I am constantly weighing whether something is right or wrong and feeling very invested. Like right now I am majorly overthinking this: What if I don't put my foot down and something terrible happens? Is it right for me to tell her not to stay there when it's her money and anywhere else will be more expensive? Maybe this neighborhood is not *that* bad? Will it impact her vacation to be in a neighborhood where she doesn't feel safe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

The problem is how firmly I do it. I gave it, but now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

The problem is how firmly I do it. I gave it, but now what?

You let her live or you can offer to help pay the difference for a hotel somewhere in a "better" area. If she's just 18 (as in, still in HS?) I'd be more forceful than if she's 18 and just spent a year away at college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I think if you try to "prohibit" her or constantly second-guess her choices, she will stop giving you as much information. You might be happier that way.

She is 18. I would say I am a reasonable person who doesn't really "prohibit" much. I try to mitigate risk generally with still giving her freedom. But mitigating risk is a lot of mental work because I am constantly weighing whether something is right or wrong and feeling very invested. Like right now I am majorly overthinking this: What if I don't put my foot down and something terrible happens? Is it right for me to tell her not to stay there when it's her money and anywhere else will be more expensive? Maybe this neighborhood is not *that* bad? Will it impact her vacation to be in a neighborhood where she doesn't feel safe?

When she says, "Mom, what do you think of this hotel?" You say something like, "Check the reviews and make sure the area is safe. Check the cost of parking too--sometimes they gouge you on that." Then you let her do it. You don't do the checking for her. She's an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

The problem is how firmly I do it. I gave it, but now what?

Now nothing. She does what she decides to do, and it goes however it goes.

Focus on preserving your influence. Be judicious in your statements and remember, she can start withholding information from you if she doesn't like what you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not give your opinion?
I give my opinions to my parents. They are free to ignore them. They give me their opinions. I am free to ignore them as well.

I don't get what the problem is.

The problem is how firmly I do it. I gave it, but now what?

Now nothing, unless you think there is a serious issue that she's not seeing. Which means that you need to be comfortable with that grey area where you're not sure if it's important enough to insist. If she's younger and generally naive, and the area is truly dangerous, then you insist (but never order). If she's a seasoned traveler, then she might know better than you. Or maybe the area looks dangerous, but isn't really. My parents always used to insist when it came to safety, but with the passage of time, they've stopped. It's mostly due to their world shrinking: they feel less able to form an opinion in a world that has changed a lot; and they feel more comfortable than before that I'm going to pay attention to all those details.

Your relationship with your kids will change over time, so the main thing is to be flexible.