Longterm couples who aren't married and keep separate finances

[Anonymous]

It depends on the two of you. The fact that you have children is a huge factor.

DH and I have been together 22 years, and married for 7. Before we married, we planned for the kinds of things you are bringing up and operated basically like a married couple. When I quit practicing law to go to grad school in a creative field he paid my tuition and took over all of our living expenses. It has been discussed and understood from the beginning that we are in it for life, and that if one gets sick or disabled the other will care for them. It's commitment. For richer for poorer, in sickness and health ... etc., it was just without the formality of it. I'll add here that although he took on our expenses when I went to grad school, I have a significant amount of money of my own. He just had more. So we were both in a good place financially. Neither of us will "drain" the other, if that makes sense.

But people have long term relationships that are a lot more casual with less commitment as well, which is fine. As long as you know what to expect. Which is about communication.

I do think the kid thing throws a wrinkle though, because resources -- be they financial or simply the resource of attention and focus -- are limited. If your SO becomes disabled (which is something you asked about, OP) and requires your care and it is a huge financial burden ... does that effect your ability to care for your children? To send them to college? Etc.?

You should discuss these things with him, not us.

[Anonymous]

This is why it sucks to have divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is 100% trust, commitment and love, you do a medical POA and Power of attorney/transfer upon death/sole heir for surviving partner. A friend is going through this now with her older partner. She isn't dipping out as his life comes to an end. She is managing his affairs and arranging care. She does what she can, as she can. He won't leave much behind, but whatever is left is hers. His children were written out of the will decades ago and in all updates.

Good for her. In many cases unmarried women take care of much older men and get nothing

She has her own money. What she got from him was a long relationship, companionship and a fun travel partner. I think it is an honor to care for your loved one as they die. She isn't doing this for money, but out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it sucks to have divorced parents.

There are many reasons why it sucks to have divorced parents.

But yes -- a parent's attention and resources going to a new romantic partner is probably the biggest reason. All kinds of problems with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why it sucks to have divorced parents.

There are many reasons why it sucks to have divorced parents.

But yes -- a parent's attention and resources going to a new romantic partner is probably the biggest reason. All kinds of problems with it.

I mean, growing up with a mother being abused also sucks so can we not turn this into shaming people for divorcing and stick to the actual question? There's no guarantee that a marriage will be financially sound either, if one parent is preventing the other from working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your situation (younger + more money).

He knows I won't take care of him and he needs to have his own plans. He doesn't, but that's not my problem.

I'm curious, what are your plans? My best friend is in this exact position and thinks she will enter assisted living. No children.

Yes, I plan on assisted living. Which means I set aside money for that, so my kids don't have to.

I've seen so many parents who never planned for their own care, and their adult children are so stressed out either caring for them or figuring out ways to pay for it. I will never do that to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your situation (younger + more money).

He knows I won't take care of him and he needs to have his own plans. He doesn't, but that's not my problem.

Why are you with him?

Companionship. Someone to have fun with. Sex. We also have a child together.

I don't view relationships as a safety net in case something happens to me. That's a terrible way to treat people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why it sucks to have divorced parents.

There are many reasons why it sucks to have divorced parents.

But yes -- a parent's attention and resources going to a new romantic partner is probably the biggest reason. All kinds of problems with it.

I mean, growing up with a mother being abused also sucks so can we not turn this into shaming people for divorcing and stick to the actual question? There's no guarantee that a marriage will be financially sound either, if one parent is preventing the other from working.

No one shamed anyone. You are setting up a false dichotomy. Two things can be true. You do understand that "growing up with a mother being abused" sucks and that growing up with a mother who divorces and remarries someone who abuses her kids also so sucks? And that the latter is very, very common?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a relationship w separate finances. But we’d help each other out if something happened. We met sorta later in life so never wanted to commingle (I .e. Both owned homes and had savings etc). We have a baby so one joint account for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is 100% trust, commitment and love, you do a medical POA and Power of attorney/transfer upon death/sole heir for surviving partner. A friend is going through this now with her older partner. She isn't dipping out as his life comes to an end. She is managing his affairs and arranging care. She does what she can, as she can. He won't leave much behind, but whatever is left is hers. His children were written out of the will decades ago and in all updates.

Good for her. In many cases unmarried women take care of much older men and get nothing

She has her own money. What she got from him was a long relationship, companionship and a fun travel partner. I think it is an honor to care for your loved one as they die. She isn't doing this for money, but out of love.

Would she be doing it at her own expense and if all his money went to his kids/siblings upon his death? I strongly doubt so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a relationship w separate finances. But we’d help each other out if something happened. We met sorta later in life so never wanted to commingle (I .e. Both owned homes and had savings etc). We have a baby so one joint account for that.

Was he married when the relationship started? How old were you when the baby was born?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a relationship w separate finances. But we’d help each other out if something happened. We met sorta later in life so never wanted to commingle (I .e. Both owned homes and had savings etc). We have a baby so one joint account for that.

Was he married when the relationship started? How old were you when the baby was born?

Both single when we met. Had a baby at 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is 100% trust, commitment and love, you do a medical POA and Power of attorney/transfer upon death/sole heir for surviving partner. A friend is going through this now with her older partner. She isn't dipping out as his life comes to an end. She is managing his affairs and arranging care. She does what she can, as she can. He won't leave much behind, but whatever is left is hers. His children were written out of the will decades ago and in all updates.

Good for her. In many cases unmarried women take care of much older men and get nothing

She has her own money. What she got from him was a long relationship, companionship and a fun travel partner. I think it is an honor to care for your loved one as they die. She isn't doing this for money, but out of love.

Would she be doing it at her own expense and if all his money went to his kids/siblings upon his death? I strongly doubt so

You are ignoring the fact that if he is unmarried, then all HIS assets would be attached/used for his care and/or medical bills. There wouldn't be much left in his accounts to go to his kids when he died.

[Anonymous]

^ And if an unmarried partner doesn't have any assets, then they will be eligible for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

It's sad, but marriage is no guarantee of loyalty through thick and thin either.