S/O--there is never a need to argue with another adult or engage in "conflict"

[Anonymous]

What’s so bad about conflict? It seems you believe it is inherently problematic? Is it that conflict requires you to face someone else’s (often inconvenient, messy) emotions?

I’m not an expert but avoiding conflict or rebranding it as a “disagreement” does not make the emotions that underlie it disappear. It just represses or redirects those emotions elsewhere. Having the difficult, uncomfortable, messy emotions that create or arise from conflict is a deeply human experience that—if dealt with lovingly—will deepen your connection to the person you’re having a conflict with. You are not a more mature person for avoiding uncomfortable emotions. You’re just a certain kind of person who avoids deep emotions because you fear conflict.

I grew up in a home like this. It sends the message that certain emotions (anger, jealousy, shame) are so unacceptable that we don’t let ourselves experience them. It also sends the message that conflict is the worst possible outcome. So just think about that. Because that’s not actually true. Conflict can be a map to what we really want out of a relationship. You can’t hit or insult or intimidate or whatever—but enthusiastically verbally duking it out with a partner, friend, sibling, parent over something that is important to you? Often moves the relationship forward, increases understanding, reinforces connection. So, I kind of think you’re missing out, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s so bad about conflict? It seems you believe it is inherently problematic? Is it that conflict requires you to face someone else’s (often inconvenient, messy) emotions?

I’m not an expert but avoiding conflict or rebranding it as a “disagreement” does not make the emotions that underlie it disappear. It just represses or redirects those emotions elsewhere. Having the difficult, uncomfortable, messy emotions that create or arise from conflict is a deeply human experience that—if dealt with lovingly—will deepen your connection to the person you’re having a conflict with. You are not a more mature person for avoiding uncomfortable emotions. You’re just a certain kind of person who avoids deep emotions because you fear conflict.

I grew up in a home like this. It sends the message that certain emotions (anger, jealousy, shame) are so unacceptable that we don’t let ourselves experience them. It also sends the message that conflict is the worst possible outcome. So just think about that. Because that’s not actually true. Conflict can be a map to what we really want out of a relationship. You can’t hit or insult or intimidate or whatever—but enthusiastically verbally duking it out with a partner, friend, sibling, parent over something that is important to you? Often moves the relationship forward, increases understanding, reinforces connection. So, I kind of think you’re missing out, actually.

Ok, if this is how you want to live your life, go for it!

[Anonymous]

Conflict is unavoidable and growth can’t be achieved without it. How arguments are handled is another thing. It’s best done in an environment of mutual respect and calm yes.

But forgiveness is vital because no one is perfect, especially when emotions are involved.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Some of you can get away with being emotional and angry and dramatic to get what you want, others of us can't,:

The angry Black woman stereotype has penetrated many parts of American culture, including the workplace. This pervasive stereotype not only characterizes Black women as more hostile, aggressive, overbearing, illogical, ill-tempered and bitter, but it may also be holding them back from realizing their full potential in the workplace — and shaping their work experiences overall.

https://hbr.org/2022/01/the-angry-black-woman-stereotype-at-work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Controlling people start "conflict" and "arguments" to agressively demand that someone do what they want, and when the other person chooses not to engage in the manipulation tactic, they claim the other person is avoidant, not able to handle conflict, and not able to handle communication.

What you can do instead of ask someone if they'd like to do something calmly, in a non passive agressive or aggressive manner, and the other person can say yes or no. That's it. You can restate your cause, maybe one or two times, again, in a non passive aggresive or non aggresive manner, but that's it.

This is what I expect. I don't argue or engage in "conflict" with other adults.

Huh?? How do you resolve anything? Just walk away and never do anything?

I have to advocate for myself and my kids all the time. At work, at school, at sports, at conflicts that pop up. That’s life.

Otherwise I wouldn’t get promoted, my kid wouldn’t get into a certain program, and our bball coach wouldn’t have stayed.

Conflict resolution matters. Yes walk away from madmen, but don’t avoid conflicts / stonewall / silent treatment and deem that winning.

I would imagine sometimes you get what you want with this approach and sometimes you don't--yes, some succumb to being browbeat--I don't.

I will have discussions. I won't argue or stand and sit be told the same thing over and over and over again, with a raised or angry voice. When that happens I will walk away.

Effective advocating or conflict resolution is not “brow beating” nor “raising an angry voice.”

I think your hang up PP/OP is you are fixated on some made up black and white version of problem solving.

And you still sound like you prefer to aggravate others and then walk away thinking you “won” because you anger others on purpose. That’s your safe place and deflects from the actual underlying issue. You likely learned this from a passive aggressive parent who did the same thing or rewarded you when you did it.z

It’s immature. Stunted development.

you are entitled to this thought.

Your personal opinions have been noted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Controlling people start "conflict" and "arguments" to agressively demand that someone do what they want, and when the other person chooses not to engage in the manipulation tactic, they claim the other person is avoidant, not able to handle conflict, and not able to handle communication.

What you can do instead of ask someone if they'd like to do something calmly, in a non passive agressive or aggressive manner, and the other person can say yes or no. That's it. You can restate your cause, maybe one or two times, again, in a non passive aggresive or non aggresive manner, but that's it.

This is what I expect. I don't argue or engage in "conflict" with other adults.

Huh?? How do you resolve anything? Just walk away and never do anything?

I have to advocate for myself and my kids all the time. At work, at school, at sports, at conflicts that pop up. That’s life.

Otherwise I wouldn’t get promoted, my kid wouldn’t get into a certain program, and our bball coach wouldn’t have stayed.

Conflict resolution matters. Yes walk away from madmen, but don’t avoid conflicts / stonewall / silent treatment and deem that winning.

I would imagine sometimes you get what you want with this approach and sometimes you don't--yes, some succumb to being browbeat--I don't.

I will have discussions. I won't argue or stand and sit be told the same thing over and over and over again, with a raised or angry voice. When that happens I will walk away.

Effective advocating or conflict resolution is not “brow beating” nor “raising an angry voice.”

I think your hang up PP/OP is you are fixated on some made up black and white version of problem solving.

And you still sound like you prefer to aggravate others and then walk away thinking you “won” because you anger others on purpose. That’s your safe place and deflects from the actual underlying issue. You likely learned this from a passive aggressive parent who did the same thing or rewarded you when you did it.z

It’s immature. Stunted development.

I know narcissists like this. They ruin all their relationships, single-handedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

Oh wow, the hostility in your response says everything about how you work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

NP. Thank you for informing us of your opinion!!

You say that you don't argue with adults. That is reasonable and admirable. So sensible. But that leaves me curious and I have a list of questions for you.

Do you argue with children? Toddler are great to argue with, they often involve tears, snot, a little physical violence, and the logic that only a sleep-deprived parent can follow.

Do you argue with your pets? Dogs, I've found, aren't the best at arguing, as they have a little bit of ADHD and will get distracted by a treat, a squirrel, or even a plastic bag floating along the street. They will apologize and let it go right away. Cats, on the other hand, are masters. I mean, they can hold a grudge and will make sure you know that YOU.ARE.WRONG. until the day you die.

Do you argue with yourself? Does this count against arguing with adults, or no?

Do you argue with the TV? Lots of people used to do this, I'm not sure if they do any more.

Please inform us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

Oh wow, the hostility in your response says everything about how you work.

Your initial post was hostile actually. "I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue" is snarky and personal. Hence my response, that I will not engage with your snarky, personal quips. If you want to call it hostile in an attempt to make me feel bad, you failed. Again, you were just being informed by me, not insulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

NP. Thank you for informing us of your opinion!!

You say that you don't argue with adults. That is reasonable and admirable. So sensible. But that leaves me curious and I have a list of questions for you.

Do you argue with children? Toddler are great to argue with, they often involve tears, snot, a little physical violence, and the logic that only a sleep-deprived parent can follow.

Do you argue with your pets? Dogs, I've found, aren't the best at arguing, as they have a little bit of ADHD and will get distracted by a treat, a squirrel, or even a plastic bag floating along the street. They will apologize and let it go right away. Cats, on the other hand, are masters. I mean, they can hold a grudge and will make sure you know that YOU.ARE.WRONG. until the day you die.

Do you argue with yourself? Does this count against arguing with adults, or no?

Do you argue with the TV? Lots of people used to do this, I'm not sure if they do any more.

Please inform us.

No.
Read my OP. I said what I said.

[Anonymous]

I'm emotionally regulated and I don't lose my cool. I remain grounded in seeing my partner as a person with feelings and needs of his own.

But . . . I was married to a severe conflict avoider. Any time I calmly brought up a small thing in a gentle and collaborative way, he would act like I had assassinated his character and then he would unleash a list of 75 unspoken grievances he was just waiting to lob at me. So I would gently take a step back and say, "OK, here is what is happening here. We can discuss your things at any time that you want, and I'd love to schedule a time. Or just know that I am always here to listen. But right now we are discussing my one minor issue that I am hoping to resolve." So he learned not to unleash the unspoken grievance bomb, and instead he would just say, "Thank you for telling me," and then nothing would change.

It was delightful. [Not.]

Then he left me for another woman, and honestly, it's a relief. Good luck to her!

He actually used the "assassinated his character" line at coparenting therapy, as an excuse for why he had avoided me for two months (definitely not because of his inability to face his shame, it was definitely me and my mean, mean words). When I asked for a specific example, all he could come up with was "you said you did more emotional labor than I did." The horror! What was he doing if not Herculean amounts of emotional labor? Obviously if the woman you lied to, cheated on, and abandoned dares to say she did more emotional labor than you did, then you get to avoid her forevermore, even if you share minor children together. So I said, calmly and gently, "Well couldn't you have said to yourself, 'It's probably understandable that she feels that way after I cheated on her and left her,' and given me grace?" And he said, oh. Hahaha.

All this is to say, OP, that it's all well and good to be emotionally regulated and good at communicating, but other humans are a wild card. It's important to choose healthy humans to be in relationship with, but sometimes your insecurities will clash, or you'll simply have a misunderstanding. Sometimes your very valid needs and desires will be worlds apart. For a conflict avoider, any disagreement unleashes stress hormones and the fight or flight response. It's not just a matter of you being intellectually or emotionally superior.

I will definitely be looking for someone with empathy and self-awareness and the ability to communicate this time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

NP. Thank you for informing us of your opinion!!

You say that you don't argue with adults. That is reasonable and admirable. So sensible. But that leaves me curious and I have a list of questions for you.

Do you argue with children? Toddler are great to argue with, they often involve tears, snot, a little physical violence, and the logic that only a sleep-deprived parent can follow.

Do you argue with your pets? Dogs, I've found, aren't the best at arguing, as they have a little bit of ADHD and will get distracted by a treat, a squirrel, or even a plastic bag floating along the street. They will apologize and let it go right away. Cats, on the other hand, are masters. I mean, they can hold a grudge and will make sure you know that YOU.ARE.WRONG. until the day you die.

Do you argue with yourself? Does this count against arguing with adults, or no?

Do you argue with the TV? Lots of people used to do this, I'm not sure if they do any more.

Please inform us.

There you go again OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you wrote an entire post on a message board about how there is never a need to argue.

So by definition, yes, adults argue. (And often enjoy it).

Since you like to use the word "you" and make things personal, I will use the word "you" and let "you" know I wasn't starting an argument: I was informing. I don't argue with adults. But if "you" want to argue with the people in your life, go for it.

NP. Thank you for informing us of your opinion!!

You say that you don't argue with adults. That is reasonable and admirable. So sensible. But that leaves me curious and I have a list of questions for you.

Do you argue with children? Toddler are great to argue with, they often involve tears, snot, a little physical violence, and the logic that only a sleep-deprived parent can follow.

Do you argue with your pets? Dogs, I've found, aren't the best at arguing, as they have a little bit of ADHD and will get distracted by a treat, a squirrel, or even a plastic bag floating along the street. They will apologize and let it go right away. Cats, on the other hand, are masters. I mean, they can hold a grudge and will make sure you know that YOU.ARE.WRONG. until the day you die.

Do you argue with yourself? Does this count against arguing with adults, or no?

Do you argue with the TV? Lots of people used to do this, I'm not sure if they do any more.

Please inform us.

No.
Read my OP. I said what I said.

And again!