Reply to S/O--there is never a need to argue with another adult or engage in "conflict"

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Reply to "S/O--there is never a need to argue with another adult or engage in "conflict""

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm emotionally regulated and I don't lose my cool. I remain grounded in seeing my partner as a person with feelings and needs of his own.

But . . . I was married to a severe conflict avoider. Any time I calmly brought up a small thing in a gentle and collaborative way, he would act like I had assassinated his character and then he would unleash a list of 75 unspoken grievances he was just waiting to lob at me. So I would gently take a step back and say, "OK, here is what is happening here. We can discuss your things at any time that you want, and I'd love to schedule a time. Or just know that I am always here to listen. But right now we are discussing my one minor issue that I am hoping to resolve." So he learned not to unleash the unspoken grievance bomb, and instead he would just say, "Thank you for telling me," and then nothing would change.

It was delightful. [Not.]

Then he left me for another woman, and honestly, it's a relief. Good luck to her!

He actually used the "assassinated his character" line at coparenting therapy, as an excuse for why he had avoided me for two months (definitely not because of his inability to face his shame, it was definitely me and my mean, mean words). When I asked for a specific example, all he could come up with was "you said you did more emotional labor than I did." The horror! What was he doing if not Herculean amounts of emotional labor? Obviously if the woman you lied to, cheated on, and abandoned dares to say she did more emotional labor than you did, then you get to avoid her forevermore, even if you share minor children together.  :lol: So I said, calmly and gently, "Well couldn't you have said to yourself, 'It's probably understandable that she feels that way after I cheated on her and left her,' and given me grace?" And he said, oh. Hahaha.

All this is to say, OP, that it's all well and good to be emotionally regulated and good at communicating, but other humans are a wild card. It's important to choose healthy humans to be in relationship with, but sometimes your insecurities will clash, or you'll simply have a misunderstanding. Sometimes your very valid needs and desires will be worlds apart. For a conflict avoider, any disagreement unleashes stress hormones and the fight or flight response. It's not just a matter of you being intellectually or emotionally superior.

I will definitely be looking for someone with empathy and self-awareness and the ability to communicate this time around.[/quote]

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