Husband w/mental health issues, poor executive functioning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? I left my ex with mental health and extreme executive functioning issues. Coparenting with him was a nightmare for over a decade, but he eventually met another woman and moved away. It got to the point for me where I would rather having the coparenting nightmare than have to live under the same roof as him, BUT it was tough on our only child - he'd drop them off at school super late, never do their laundry, forget about pickups leaving our child stranded at school or activities, fail to supervise basic hygiene during his time and showers and teeth brushing. There are soooo many things that went wrong during his parenting time. Our child has the same limitations, but at least when they are with me, I can help them through their limitations and teach them processes so they can make it on their own in the future.

ugg, this is what I'm worried about. If it is up to my husband to help get the kids ready for school, half the time he sends them in dirty clothes with dirty faces and sees no problem with it. I try to double check what they are wearing/hair/faces before they leave because he will not help do their hair either. He will not encourage or help them brush their teeth or bathe unless I specifically have them do it nor will support them in cleaning up their rooms at all and will just yell at them to clean it up and the kids have massive meltdowns. I asked him to please give the kids zyretec because their allergies are awful and he just didn't know where it was so he didn't give it and they are miserable. I had to make a note to do it myself. He was NOT like this to this level when we first met and got married. I've offered help find him an executive functioning coach, life coach, home organizer, whatever....he says no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him up for failure. You know he has poor executive functioning but keep expecting him to just suddenly step up and do tasks like put together favors? You really thought that would lighten your load versus create the trash heap?

You know he has for years avoided solving problems but you expect him to just start doing it now?

Does your therapist ever talk to you about setting boundaries and how you can only control yourself? If he's going to be how he's going to be, you have to decide what to do with that. Don't parcel out tasks and expect him to suddenly change out of nowhere this time. Lighten your own load other ways.

I am very aware that he struggles with executive functioning but instead of enabling him by doing all of these tasks for him and then being upset, I am clearly writing down at least some specific things that he can help with and communicating expectations. The tasks are not big tasks, they are not major tasks involving organization or major planning....they are physical, direct tasks but he is failing to even do those. There's no other good way to lighten the load beyond trying to hire someone to help with organization and regular cleaning and to help teach him some skills (if he is open to it). It is all on me to think of everything and hire everyone and I'm exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a jerk and I have sincere sympathy for you, but your standards also sound pretty high. I don’t put bows on my gifts. I don’t hang banners and balloons for my kids’ birthdays. I don’t do elaborate goody bags. Maybe scale back on the non-essentials if you’re not enjoying them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want him to make more money (you brought up the suggestion that he get an extra p/t job to pay for cleaners), but you are upset he's taking this licensing exam when you would rather be "on another special trip."

He takes your son to cub scouts and karate, but "doesn't stay connected with special activities" so you think your son is missing out on whatever activities those are.

He has gotten a psychiatrist and a therapist and treatment for sleep apnea, but you (who are not, I assume anyway, a doctor? and definitely not his doctor) told him "his meds are not correct"?

You send him a to-do list while he's busy at work and then get high and mighty when he didn't have time to look at it?

He put together the goody bags you asked him to put together, but it took him too long?

He "ruined Easter"? Really? Did he?

I get that you are exhausted and burned out. I really do. We can all see that and sympathize. But I have no doubt he is as well. Offer up the hotel-to-study-for-the-exam thing; I have no doubt he wants to get away from you as well.
You think his

OP here - I'm not asking him right now to get a part-time job to pay for the housecleaner/home maintenance, but if he fails his exam again. I have been encouraging him for years to take this exam and he's taken it twice before (not in many years though) and the amount of time, money, and the impact on our family during that time was huge and he failed. I fully support him in studying for his exam and I understand if he is actually committed to studying but has signed up a few other times and then canceled after not studying at all. I have encouraged him to really sit down and make a solid study plan including hiring a tutor and please let me know how I can support him with that because it is important and he won't progress in his career without it. I've asked a few times since then (6 weeks ago) and he is basically not studying and has not followed up at all with tutoring. What I'm saying is that if he fails again or cancels it, then I'd like for him to figure out how to pay for extra support to maintain the house.

Karate/scouts: Yes, he takes him to those activities but often skips out because he is too tired and doesn't follow emails or information provided at the events that are shared with parents about the kids needing to complete some paperwork for karate or when there is a special belt promotion or when the scouts are supposed to practice knot-tying or some other thing before the next meeting and he simply doesn't do it and doesn't encourage our son to participate at all. He doesn't note on the calendar scout events or encourage him to prep for those things at all, so he misses most of the fun activities.....he does the bare minimum for our son to participate.

With the doctor/therapist/medical stuff - I've told him that it doesn't seem like his medical/psychiatric needs are being met by his current plan because he is physically unhealthy (he's been gaining a ton of weight, has super low energy, falls asleep constantly, seems foggy headed, and seems more depressed). I don't know what the right fit would be but it is something he needs to really bring up and talk with his doctor about. I also encouraged him to meet with a therapist in person because he found a therapist through a random virtual website and from what he's shared, it doesn't sound like he is receiving quality therapy and he is literally going weekly and his ability to function is getting worse, not better.

I sent him a list (including a couple of things that were to-do) during work but he also had time to read it AFTER work but chose to not take any time to actually read it at all.

He put the goody bags together but he complained about how much work it was and left a huge amount of trash just sitting all over our basement and completely failed to even do the other part of the task (these tasks should have only taken a total of 30 minutes but I was trying get him to do something so I didn't have to do EVERYTHING). Most of the time he actually completes a task, it is because I had to literally write out each individual step and if I don't write out every, single step for him and remind him and put an alarm on to remind me to remind him 2-3 times, he simply won't do it. I simply asked him to please wrap the 4 boxed birthday gifts for our child (that I picked out and purchased, along with the wrapping paper and birthday card) and because I did not specify to please make them look nice with a ribbon or bow on them along with his name and who it is from, he didn't do any of that. Just boxes wrapped, nothing more. That's pretty much how every task is done if he even does it. It's exhausting. I don't expect him to do exactly as I do it but there's some things that are nuanced and are just understood as part of a task and that's not something he understands or does. It's gotten way way worse as our kids have gotten older and schedules more demanding.

With psych meds this is par for the course.

[Anonymous]

I totally get that your husband sucks and I am sorry for you that is the case.

Given that you have a non functional husband, and you can only do so much, you need to way scale back your expectations of how your life and home is going to be. Just stop with all of this stuff. Your posts are exhausting to read. Don't ask your husband to do these things and don't do them yourself. Your kids can sometimes go to school in dirty clothes. It is not the end of the world.

What you need is more therapy. That is one thing I would not dial back on. But do stop trying to change your husband. It is not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also the last part of the comment "he ruined easter- really??" we made the most of it but yeah, it was not an amazing day. I spent a huge amount of time doing a home project that we have needed to do (he chose to not help) and I asked him to please help with cleaning up our patio so we could hang out there on easter and this week and he helped a tiny bit but complained so much and honestly left it looking almost as bad as when he started even after I tried to give him a few tips that I had to literally spend over 1.5 hours on easter cleaning it myself and then cleaning the basement up myself so we could all sit and watch a movie while he sat around and then made a little dinner and threw a huge fit that no one ever helps him make dinner and it was just too much (only task asked of him at all that day) and half threw the food on the table, yelling at the kids, wouldn't come to the table until like 10 minutes after everyone else was seated and pouted so yeah, it really did impact our day.

So ... you chose to spend 1 1/2 hours cleaning your patio. And he actually made the Easter dinner (which you call "a little dinner"). Mmm hmmm. Sounds like he's doing plenty and you are the one throwing fits. No wonder he's sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like a jerk and I have sincere sympathy for you, but your standards also sound pretty high. I don’t put bows on my gifts. I don’t hang banners and balloons for my kids’ birthdays. I don’t do elaborate goody bags. Maybe scale back on the non-essentials if you’re not enjoying them?

+100

Goody bags are not important enough to be causing this situation.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're planning to leave your husband because he has the same mental illnesses as your kids. I can't imagine the message that sends

[Anonymous]

Agree you need to stop doing so much. You know what we had for Easter dinner? I actually don't even know myself. I'm 99% sure it was leftovers but I don't even know because this wasn't a year we could handle a big fancy dinner. We've done everything from fast food to having people over for a nice dinner on Easter, depending on the year.

Your kid should be old enough to make the goody bags.

It sounds like you don't really understand his executive function issues. If you have those issues it does affect task initiation and planning and knowing all the subparts. Getting the kids ready for bed isn't one task, it's making yourself stop what you're doing, change direction, find PJs, get them on, floss, put on toothpaste, brush, and a lot more. If you have severe enough executive functioning issues, each one of those is an internal struggle to start and stay on task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree you need to stop doing so much. You know what we had for Easter dinner? I actually don't even know myself. I'm 99% sure it was leftovers but I don't even know because this wasn't a year we could handle a big fancy dinner. We've done everything from fast food to having people over for a nice dinner on Easter, depending on the year.

Your kid should be old enough to make the goody bags.

These are related to your anxiety, by the way. You need to be able to manage and not catastrophize if you miss or mess up Easter dinner, have plain unlabeled gifts, skip goody bags, etc.

You seem to be making all things equal priority, which causes anxiety because it's too much and and then you "fail" in your mind at almost all if them. Whereas having worked very hard to reform myself of the mindset that everything matters equally, I prioritized a couple of aspects of Easter that were important to me and didn't have a hunt or special meal or a number of other things. What this allows me to do is be in the moment and not stressed out to experience the few chosen things because I'm not trying to do everything.

[Anonymous]

Prepare to act like a single mother whether or not you divorce. DH was diagnosed with ASD and depression and anxiety so i treat like like an illness, and he's on a lot of medication. It's helped.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness I see you. I finally left once kids were in college. I have done all the work to draft a fair divorce settlement with a lawyer and we sent it to his lawyer only to learn that he did not actually engage his lawyer bc he did not read the attachments etc etc cannot sign the engagement letter now, called me asking how to sign and send back to his lawyer, am I sure this is his lawyer, blah blah it goes on and on but once his lawyer is engaged it will no longer be my problem. In short - get out now bc it will take a while to be fully out. Very best of luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him up for failure. You know he has poor executive functioning but keep expecting him to just suddenly step up and do tasks like put together favors? You really thought that would lighten your load versus create the trash heap?

You know he has for years avoided solving problems but you expect him to just start doing it now?

Does your therapist ever talk to you about setting boundaries and how you can only control yourself? If he's going to be how he's going to be, you have to decide what to do with that. Don't parcel out tasks and expect him to suddenly change out of nowhere this time. Lighten your own load other ways.

I agree with this. Even in good relationships, you can't give people tasks and expect them to do it exactly as you would. The more efficient solution is you wrap the gifts yourself if it's important to you or outsource it. You're definitely setting up your household for failure with your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Get his testosterone levels checked.

Encourage him to use AI to help make decisions. $20 a month on an OpenAI subscription has done wonders for me, and I am pretty nuts. Used properly, it can handle things like finances and schedules. It will take a little time to figure out how to incorporate, but it has changed my life.

Also, SSRIs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like a jerk and I have sincere sympathy for you, but your standards also sound pretty high. I don’t put bows on my gifts. I don’t hang banners and balloons for my kids’ birthdays. I don’t do elaborate goody bags. Maybe scale back on the non-essentials if you’re not enjoying them?

+1

Also, I’ve never met a man who can wrap a gift and make it look pretty. They try and it’s sad. But the kids don’t care, I promise. And I say this as a wrapping paper aficionado.