Is DH being reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the weird one? When this type of thing happens, I’m the one who first suggests to DH we should invite the friend over for dinner and to stay the night, enthusiastically problem-solves dinner and kid arrangements, adds nice finishing touches to our (always clean) home. I don’t do all the work but I plan it out. And I work a demanding full-time job too. Maybe this is why DH loves me

I'm sure most people would but is it fair to you? Would he do all that work for your friend? I doubt it

DP. I think the real problem is that many of you seem to be married to men who you think don’t do anything for you in return. It doesn’t have to be one for one on something like hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the man is proud of his family and home. Cooking isn’t that difficult and getting the kids to a practice and coordination of a ride home for them should not be either.

Np. And that’s lovely. He should feel free to to ensure the home is clean and ready to welcome the guest. As well as prepare a meal or order the takeout.

Seriously, this stuff falling on women has got to go.

+1 million

Why is it falling to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the man is proud of his family and home. Cooking isn’t that difficult and getting the kids to a practice and coordination of a ride home for them should not be either.

Np. And that’s lovely. He should feel free to to ensure the home is clean and ready to welcome the guest. As well as prepare a meal or order the takeout.

Seriously, this stuff falling on women has got to go.

This. If it's so super meaningful and important to your DH, then your DH can clean the house and cook the meal. Makes sense, right?

+2, there is something inherently retrograde about OP's DH expecting her to take the lead on this. And they both work? And OP would have to rearrange her schedule to accommodate? No. The DH can take a few hours of leave if this is important to him, to get the house ready and prepare a meal or pick up food or whatever. That's not on OP.

Early in our relationship, my DH's parents would come to visit and they would arrive midafternoon. I worked from home at the time, and DH expected to be able to just stay at work for his normal schedule and get home at 6:30pm or whatever. It was a hard no for me. I had a job, and my ILs showing up in the middle of the afternoon effectively meant I wasn't going to get any work done for the rest of the day. It also dumped on me getting the house ready for them since of course DH would do nothing to get the house clean or the guest room ready beforehand. And then DH wouldn't be home until 6:30 so I'd either have to get dinner ready or figure out where we were going out to dinner because while we are fine eating at 8pm on a weeknight, my ILs wouldn't be able to do that.

DH fought me on this for a while but I just set a firm boundary and said no. Finally one day he was like "oh you are right, of course I should just leave work a bit early so I can be there to greet my parents." I don't know exactly what changed but I suspect he discussed it with a friend or coworker who told him "oh my wife would kill me if I tried that." Because it's so rude! Take 2-3 hours off work to host your family or friend! It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Yes he’s being very reasonable. Where’s your sense of hospitality? Your kids aren’t going to be pro athletes. And if cooking is too much, your husband should assist and kids or order takeout.

[Anonymous]

When our kids teammates miss games I get a little annoyed that the parents didn't plan around the team schedule, but this is just practice, I don't care what the coaches think, all the kids miss practice on occasion.

Reward yourself with a trip to the stylist and a new outfit, then prepare the house and dinner. Make him proud.

[Anonymous]

Don’t change the kids’ practice schedules. Missing practice was never an option except for a true emergency, but do agree to host at your home. Get takeout like other suggest and have DH clean the rooms where your guest will be. The entire house doesn’t need a deep clean.

[Anonymous]

OP what is going on with your marriage or do you have some anxieties about having people over? Because it sounds like like you are not being honest with yourself or in your post about what the real issue is. If your DH dumps everything on you and never helps with anything related to your home or cooking and you are resentful about that and don’t want to add another thing to your plate then address that. Tell him you are happy to have the friend to dinner midweek but you need HELP and then tell him what you need him to do. Some people feel like their home is too modest or they don’t have nice things or whatever and they don’t want to host people in their home. If that’s the issue get over it. Life is short, having people to your home is a way of building connection and teaching your kids how to show hospitality and interest in other people. All of these things are important, now more than ever. If it is neither of those things then ask yourself what it is and address it bc frankly it sounds like you are coming up with excuses and they sound quite lame (your kid has sports practice? That’s your priority when your DH asks you to host a friend he cares about?). If you have a marriage without resentments and your partner has a friend from out of the country he would like to have over it is not normal or kind to make up reasons why that can’t happen. Order in, get a bottle of wine and show some interest in someone else for your DH’s sake it not for the sake of manners. Geez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the man is proud of his family and home. Cooking isn’t that difficult and getting the kids to a practice and coordination of a ride home for them should not be either.

Np. And that’s lovely. He should feel free to to ensure the home is clean and ready to welcome the guest. As well as prepare a meal or order the takeout.

Seriously, this stuff falling on women has got to go.

+1 million

Why is it falling to her?

Gender norms. Just like if they go out to dinner, he will be the one pulling out the wallet and card to pay.

[Anonymous]

If I liked my husband I would want to spend time with his dear friend as well. If you like your dh then both of you can figure out how to ask other people to get the kids to their activities for one night. Order takeout if cooking is too onerous. Ask dh to help you tidy the house and clean a bathroom. Is your house such a wreck that having someone over for a casual dinner would be that onerous? I read a lot of resentment into your OP. There are easy ways to manage this. I was in bed with pneumonia last spring but still managed to have overseas friends over for dinner one night. I ordered takeout. I wasn't feeling great but I was happy to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from the Deep South so take this as you’d like - I would absolutely adjust my schedule if DH asked me to prepare a meal for a good friend of his that he doesn’t often see. Presumably you know how to cook, what’s one more plate?

Relationships (familial and friendships) are more important than work and sports, especially if it’s not a regular or excessive occurrence, ie you're not being asked to cook a 14 person dinner party every third Tuesday.

100% this and it doesn’t matter where you are from. This is basic human decency

[Anonymous]

I would have zero problem with this. Except DH would cook or handle takeout and I wouldn't have to ask him to. And while I would obviously help get the house ready, I also know if I had a super busy week at work, DH would handle it. I don't get why your husband is expecting you to do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the man is proud of his family and home. Cooking isn’t that difficult and getting the kids to a practice and coordination of a ride home for them should not be either.

Np. And that’s lovely. He should feel free to to ensure the home is clean and ready to welcome the guest. As well as prepare a meal or order the takeout.

Seriously, this stuff falling on women has got to go.

This. If it's so super meaningful and important to your DH, then your DH can clean the house and cook the meal. Makes sense, right?

+2, there is something inherently retrograde about OP's DH expecting her to take the lead on this. And they both work? And OP would have to rearrange her schedule to accommodate? No. The DH can take a few hours of leave if this is important to him, to get the house ready and prepare a meal or pick up food or whatever. That's not on OP.

Early in our relationship, my DH's parents would come to visit and they would arrive midafternoon. I worked from home at the time, and DH expected to be able to just stay at work for his normal schedule and get home at 6:30pm or whatever. It was a hard no for me. I had a job, and my ILs showing up in the middle of the afternoon effectively meant I wasn't going to get any work done for the rest of the day. It also dumped on me getting the house ready for them since of course DH would do nothing to get the house clean or the guest room ready beforehand. And then DH wouldn't be home until 6:30 so I'd either have to get dinner ready or figure out where we were going out to dinner because while we are fine eating at 8pm on a weeknight, my ILs wouldn't be able to do that.

DH fought me on this for a while but I just set a firm boundary and said no. Finally one day he was like "oh you are right, of course I should just leave work a bit early so I can be there to greet my parents." I don't know exactly what changed but I suspect he discussed it with a friend or coworker who told him "oh my wife would kill me if I tried that." Because it's so rude! Take 2-3 hours off work to host your family or friend! It's not that hard.

I honestly don’t understand how there is a second fight on some of these issues. I’m not afraid of fighting or anyone including my husband thinking I’m shrew. “Hold on, you expect me to finish work early, cook and clean for your parents, while you sit at work and do nothing to get ready for their visit. Tell me exactly why you think I should do it and you should be exempt.” And then push for an answer. You have to push for the illogical thinking to be voiced asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from the Deep South so take this as you’d like - I would absolutely adjust my schedule if DH asked me to prepare a meal for a good friend of his that he doesn’t often see. Presumably you know how to cook, what’s one more plate?

Relationships (familial and friendships) are more important than work and sports, especially if it’s not a regular or excessive occurrence, ie you're not being asked to cook a 14 person dinner party every third Tuesday.

100% this and it doesn’t matter where you are from. This is basic human decency

I am absolutely not from the Deep South and am pretty career/kid focused, and I also agree.

[Anonymous]

I would hire out the cleaning, order dessert from a bakery, and cook the meal. Kids can skip practice that night.

My husband wouldn’t come home and cook and clean, but he would pick up an extra shift or sell back some of his vacation to pay for hiring it out (or anything I wanted).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from the Deep South so take this as you’d like - I would absolutely adjust my schedule if DH asked me to prepare a meal for a good friend of his that he doesn’t often see. Presumably you know how to cook, what’s one more plate?

Relationships (familial and friendships) are more important than work and sports, especially if it’s not a regular or excessive occurrence, ie you're not being asked to cook a 14 person dinner party every third Tuesday.

If relationships are more important than work, why can't OP's DH leave work a little early to make dinner and welcome his longtime friend into his home?

Also, what would the DH do if he were not married and this friend came to visit? I would bet you anything they'd go out to dinner. Ask yourself why this is different if he's married, and why the work of the difference (leaving work early, making dinner, rearranging kid schedules) is falling 100% on OP even though she doesn't even know this person.