ILs are upset we don’t invite them on our vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the nearly two decades since we’ve been married, we’ve traveled with ILs twice: once when they invited us, once when we invited them. ILs (well, MIL) recently expressed displeasure that we never invite them on our vacations. The thing is, they travel often and well and don’t invite us in any of their vacations, either.

DH isn’t open to the idea of traveling with them, it never went well when we did, and at this point in our lives we are prioritizing quality time traveling with our teens before they launch, but I’m getting tired of hearing about how WE don’t invite THEM, when THEY don’t invite US. Any advice?

how often do you travel with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just plan a weekend trip with them - why is this so hard? Why does everyone on this site make everything so hard?

No, this won’t help because it’s not The VACATION TM. They don’t want even 52 weekend trips. They want THE VACATION. Get it?

[Anonymous]

Tell her vacation time is for you, DH and kids to bond.

[Anonymous]

Tell them "In the words of the esteemed Kurtis Blow, these are the breaks."

[Anonymous]

Shut it down. You and your husband need to be a united front. politely and respectfully inform them it will not be happening and you will not be further discussing. Then anytime they bring it up, make an excuse to leave the room./get off phone. Don't explain, don't justify, don't defend. We take our own vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

NP. My MIL would immediately ask why wouldn’t it work? How should I respond?

"Because we don't want you to be there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind them they travel often and well and also never invite you on their trips.

No! Then they will invite you and they don’t want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore them.

This! Enjoy traveling with your kids. This all shall pass. Ignore…who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to handle it

This

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. My in-laws desperately want vacations with us. They expect to be included every summer on our big overseas trip, mostly paid for by us. I don’t mind occasional travel with them (at our discretion) but am done giving up entire yearly vacations that I plan and pay for to watch them monopolize every moment with my kids. We tried having a nice conversation about it. It didn’t go well and they were oblivious to their sense of entitlement. Last summer I had to just rip the bandaid off and tell them we were taking a trip by ourselves and we could plan something with them at another time. I also made sure to state that we would not be traveling together every year. I could have been nicer in my delivery but damn, I was at a breaking point and DH was not handling it. It took some time, but they finally seem to get it.

There is nothing wrong with saying that long vacations are for your immediate family because of the time, money, and planning that goes into them and the short window of time you have with your kids before they graduate. If they want quality time together, you can do that in different ways which might be a weekend trip or a holiday celebration or a special activity. You are under no obligation to give in-laws the grandparent experience they desire if it doesn’t fit your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

NP. My MIL would immediately ask why wouldn’t it work? How should I respond?

By telling the truth, whatever it is. Then she gets offended, and you'll have made your point.

Most of these threads occur when people like OP or yourself want the omelet without breaking the eggs. But for behavior to change, there are times when you need to say harsh things.

This x100000000

[Anonymous]

my MIL lets us know all the time that she's offended we don't invite her to Disney when we've gone and my routine answer is "Why would we?" and that shuts her up for awhile.

[Anonymous]

What kind of person thinks other people have an obligation to take them on vacation?

[Anonymous]

My MIL sleeps in and eats very late meals. 11am breakfast, 2pm lunch, 8pm dinner. It would never work. She’d also miss the morning activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL sleeps in and eats very late meals. 11am breakfast, 2pm lunch, 8pm dinner. It would never work. She’d also miss the morning activity.

Great. Thanks for the update.