ILs are upset we don’t invite them on our vacations

[Anonymous]

In the nearly two decades since we’ve been married, we’ve traveled with ILs twice: once when they invited us, once when we invited them. ILs (well, MIL) recently expressed displeasure that we never invite them on our vacations. The thing is, they travel often and well and don’t invite us in any of their vacations, either.

DH isn’t open to the idea of traveling with them, it never went well when we did, and at this point in our lives we are prioritizing quality time traveling with our teens before they launch, but I’m getting tired of hearing about how WE don’t invite THEM, when THEY don’t invite US. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Just ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Remind them they travel often and well and also never invite you on their trips.

[Anonymous]

Tired of hearing about it? Seems like it was something MIL mentioned once. Maybe you and your DH can't stop talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should point out to her that traveling together didn't go so well in the past, and that they never invite you on trips anyway. It may shut her up, or it may offend her, who cares at this point? She's not rational, and you're never going to travel with her again.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

NP. My MIL would immediately ask why wouldn’t it work? How should I respond?

[Anonymous]

DH needs to handle it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

NP. My MIL would immediately ask why wouldn’t it work? How should I respond?

“We like to travel just with the kids for now.” And then pivot to seeing them on holidays, etc. do not point out that they don’t invite you on their trips because you don’t want them to invite you on their trips, and with your luck, she will respond by inviting you.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this. I reminded her that we walked 25,000 steps a day and she hadn’t walked that many steps in a week for years. She died last winter but I do NOT regret saying no to that one. It would have been miserable.

[Anonymous]

Just plan a weekend trip with them - why is this so hard? Why does everyone on this site make everything so hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to handle it

100% this.

When she asks why it won't work out you say "why don't you discuss that with DH?"

[Anonymous]

Mom I think it would be a GREAT idea for you to spend quality time with Larla and Larlo on a trip! Do you have anything planned this summer? As you know, DH and I only get (x) vacation a year and it's all booked already, but the kids will have the whole summer to be flexible and make some memories with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

NP. My MIL would immediately ask why wouldn’t it work? How should I respond?

Depends how honest you want to be.

Personally I like to use "dumb and agreeable" in these circumstances. I don't ever let anything get pinned down but I generally say appeasing things. Then I make sure to tell my DH how I really feel and that he is responsible for running all interference, however he'd like, to make sure it doesn't happen. If he can't do that, he's welcome to travel with his parents, but I will staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry vacationing together is not going to work, but we do look forward to spending time with you at (Christmas, summer, insert whenever date you plan to see them).

Repeat as much as necessary. Better yet, your husband handles it.

NP. My MIL would immediately ask why wouldn’t it work? How should I respond?

By telling the truth, whatever it is. Then she gets offended, and you'll have made your point.

Most of these threads occur when people like OP or yourself want the omelet without breaking the eggs. But for behavior to change, there are times when you need to say harsh things.