Should children attend grandparents funerals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard question. I think you have two.

One is about seeing him near death. I don’t think that is mandatory. But if the teen/tween wish to, prepare them.

The other is about going to the funeral. Absent other factors, final exams, for instance, the older two, for sure. The youngest would probably not want to be left out.

But give them choices: such as not viewing an open casket. And let them know what is expected…do they want to speak? Do they want to write something for someone else to read? Do they have stuff to wear?

I did not get to go to any grandparent’s funeral…and I resented being basically prevented from doing so when I was actually an adult…not your question, but may be worth a brief ponder at this difficult time.

I was in college when my grandfather died. My parents didn’t tell me bc it was around exam time and they didn’t want to stress me. I’m still upset that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye and have the opportunity to see other family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is on hospice and expected to pass quite shortly. My children did not see him frail and I’m truly unsure of whether it causes distress to see him in this state (they are 15, 11, and 7).

I was taken to funerals as a child, I have an older family and never attended a wedding before my own. I’d been to dozens of funerals though.

Should children attend funerals?

My ds went to his great grandma's funeral at 11. He handled it OK. Nobody wanted to ride in the family car, so we let the kids have the ride. He went to his Grandpa's funeral at 13.

15 and 11 can go IMO. I can't say about the 7 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard question. I think you have two.

One is about seeing him near death. I don’t think that is mandatory. But if the teen/tween wish to, prepare them.

The other is about going to the funeral. Absent other factors, final exams, for instance, the older two, for sure. The youngest would probably not want to be left out.

But give them choices: such as not viewing an open casket. And let them know what is expected…do they want to speak? Do they want to write something for someone else to read? Do they have stuff to wear?

I did not get to go to any grandparent’s funeral…and I resented being basically prevented from doing so when I was actually an adult…not your question, but may be worth a brief ponder at this difficult time.

I posted above. I know someone who wasn't allowed to go to her grandma's funeral. She still resents it.she was 16 at the time and was left at home while her parents went for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs! Op here.

I do have another question. I have several friends and DH who are not comfortable as adults with open casket viewing. I don’t want to attribute it to going to numerous funerals, but does that help adults adjust to seeing deceased people?

This would be open casket and since the children last saw him he went from stocky about 220lbs to barely 85-90lbs.

[Anonymous]

At that age, yes. We didn’t take my kids when they were 1, 3 and 5 to their other grandfathers funeral.

[Anonymous]

Any grandchild above the age of 2/3 should absolutely attend their grandparent’s funeral. Surprised this is even a question.

[Anonymous]

We went through this when my first kid was four, so I asked his preschool counselor/teacher. She said attending the funeral would be a good first experience to help him understand death and its finality. And a great grand-parent (in our case) is a good level of closeness - not a grandparent or oarent, but still a relative that he would normally see 2-3 times a year. Also, we parents would be in a position of support as we would not overly grieving at the service, which could be traumatic for some kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is on hospice and expected to pass quite shortly. My children did not see him frail and I’m truly unsure of whether it causes distress to see him in this state (they are 15, 11, and 7).

I was taken to funerals as a child, I have an older family and never attended a wedding before my own. I’d been to dozens of funerals though.

Should children attend funerals?

15 and 11 if they want to.
7 absolutely no.
Death is a part of life let them decide

[Anonymous]

Yes, if they want to. I leave it up to my child as it depends on the relationship. He choose to skip one due to family drama and school.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think children who had a relationship with the grandparent should be able to go to the funeral. It will be sad but also important for them, it could be too jarring otherwise. I personally do not like open casket as I've done that 2ce for two grandparents and it's very disturbing and they just don't look like themselves. It took me years for that image to get out of my head. But it's extremely personal.

[Anonymous]

Will it be open casket at the funeral itself or at a viewing before? I did not like having my last memory of my great-grandmother be her looking hard and fake in the casket. I wanted to remember her alive. It seems most funerals I have been to in recent years, there might just be a large portrait and not even a casket at the service.

[Anonymous]

I would ask the children. I was about 7 when my grandmother died. I was asked if I wanted to go and said no. It felt good to have the power to make this decision, even though it felt strange to be the only one who didn’t go.

I’ve attended funerals as an adult since then and there are a couple of images in my head I wish I didn’t have, but at the same time it is part of life.

Just let them make the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will it be open casket at the funeral itself or at a viewing before? I did not like having my last memory of my great-grandmother be her looking hard and fake in the casket. I wanted to remember her alive. It seems most funerals I have been to in recent years, there might just be a large portrait and not even a casket at the service.

Yea. This will be Open casket and open casket viewing.

[Anonymous]

Of course they should, when at all feasible.

We attended my grandparents' funerals (one in Europe, one in Asia) when my oldest was 2. Then my FIL and BIL in quick succession when my kids were about 5 and 10. Three of those were open casket.

The only ones we did not attend where during Asian countries' pandemic lockdowns: another grandmother and an uncle. My kids were teens and preteens at that time.

[Anonymous]

^were