Torn about custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

So this was 2 years ago? Sounds like you should be looking to move back by now.

OP - I have a lawyer now. It's not advised to move right now. I'm actually still in the oldest's school district and all kids as they get older will be in my area eventually which is why I moved here, so I could be close to them. I'm just not in the elementary district, which has astronomical prices ($3 million median home). I'm not really looking for legal advice. Just for commiseration on the system and how it seems like doing the "right things" screwed me over. If I could go back I would've not gotten a job, stayed in the house and filed for divorce instead of separating. I did not protect myself and basically jeopardized my custody by relying on his word and trying to be independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

So this was 2 years ago? Sounds like you should be looking to move back by now.

OP - I have a lawyer now. It's not advised to move right now. I'm actually still in the oldest's school district and all kids as they get older will be in my area eventually which is why I moved here, so I could be close to them. I'm just not in the elementary district, which has astronomical prices ($3 million median home). I'm not really looking for legal advice. Just for commiseration on the system and how it seems like doing the "right things" screwed me over. If I could go back I would've not gotten a job, stayed in the house and filed for divorce instead of separating. I did not protect myself and basically jeopardized my custody by relying on his word and trying to be independent.

You should have had a job the whole time. You should not have given up your job in the first place. You put yourself in this situation by having fewer resources.

[Anonymous]

How far away are you?
I personally don’t agree with 50/50, it’s not good the kids.
How old are the kids? What grades?
I might try and up how often you see them during the week if you can? Doesn’t have to be they “ move” to your house though.

[Anonymous]

Courts care about facts not feelings. The fact is that you left the children and see them for less time than dad does. Honestly, let the kids be. They are happy and they are healthy. It has been working for two years so let it continue working. When they are teens, they will have the freedom to see you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

So this was 2 years ago? Sounds like you should be looking to move back by now.

OP - I have a lawyer now. It's not advised to move right now. I'm actually still in the oldest's school district and all kids as they get older will be in my area eventually which is why I moved here, so I could be close to them. I'm just not in the elementary district, which has astronomical prices ($3 million median home). I'm not really looking for legal advice. Just for commiseration on the system and how it seems like doing the "right things" screwed me over. If I could go back I would've not gotten a job, stayed in the house and filed for divorce instead of separating. I did not protect myself and basically jeopardized my custody by relying on his word and trying to be independent.

You should have had a job the whole time. You should not have given up your job in the first place. You put yourself in this situation by having fewer resources.

OP - Yes I agree. Quitting my job was part of XH’s manipulation. He wanted me to take care of the kids during the pandemic. I never should’ve quit, it opened me up to being extremely vulnerable to financial abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

So this was 2 years ago? Sounds like you should be looking to move back by now.

OP - I have a lawyer now. It's not advised to move right now. I'm actually still in the oldest's school district and all kids as they get older will be in my area eventually which is why I moved here, so I could be close to them. I'm just not in the elementary district, which has astronomical prices ($3 million median home). I'm not really looking for legal advice. Just for commiseration on the system and how it seems like doing the "right things" screwed me over. If I could go back I would've not gotten a job, stayed in the house and filed for divorce instead of separating. I did not protect myself and basically jeopardized my custody by relying on his word and trying to be independent.

You should have had a job the whole time. You should not have given up your job in the first place. You put yourself in this situation by having fewer resources.

OP - Yes I agree. Quitting my job was part of XH’s manipulation. He wanted me to take care of the kids during the pandemic. I never should’ve quit, it opened me up to being extremely vulnerable to financial abuse.

Take som responsibility for how your life ended up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

So this was 2 years ago? Sounds like you should be looking to move back by now.

OP - I have a lawyer now. It's not advised to move right now. I'm actually still in the oldest's school district and all kids as they get older will be in my area eventually which is why I moved here, so I could be close to them. I'm just not in the elementary district, which has astronomical prices ($3 million median home). I'm not really looking for legal advice. Just for commiseration on the system and how it seems like doing the "right things" screwed me over. If I could go back I would've not gotten a job, stayed in the house and filed for divorce instead of separating. I did not protect myself and basically jeopardized my custody by relying on his word and trying to be independent.

You should have had a job the whole time. You should not have given up your job in the first place. You put yourself in this situation by having fewer resources.

OP - Yes I agree. Quitting my job was part of XH’s manipulation. He wanted me to take care of the kids during the pandemic. I never should’ve quit, it opened me up to being extremely vulnerable to financial abuse.

Take som responsibility for how your life ended up.

This. You are blaming him for everything, your move, your time with the kids, the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

You need to move back. Maybe he planned to move but financially it did not make sense. Or, you need to find a way to get the kids back and forth and ask for a week on/week off.

[Anonymous]

You want “commiseration on the system and how it seems like doing the "right things" screwed me over.”

I am here to tell you you need to mentally move on and get a strategy

[Anonymous]

Stop playing the victim.

[Anonymous]

You are torn about it ?

[Anonymous]

OP, do what's best for your kids. We got 50/50, but I never made the kid come to me if they didn't want to or were tired. I did not take ex back to court for not paying child support for 13 years (was to be put into 529) or even the health insurance required.
Ex completely backed off because there was nothing to argue about. Your kids will not disown you. They will love you for not continue this battle. They understand. Just be there for them any time they need you.
My second partner also decided to keep our child from me. Some kind of power tripping by both men. I stepped back again, and he even gave me crap for it. He wanted to fight. Fighting would have jeopardize my child's safety and mine. I wanted to sit that one out.
Long story short, first ex stopped fighting and second one hated that I had so much free time now. He wanted some of it too. He went out to party and partied too much. He is no more.
I got both my kids back. They love me and didn't have to go through or be between needless fighting. I just didn't engage at all.
Zero evidence that my kids don't love me. Not only are we together all the time now, but finally they get to see one another.
Don't listen to other people. Do what's best for your kids and you, and get away from toxic. The kids will come to you as soon as they can.
Nobody knows or cares that we had 50/50, but the kid stayed at dad's house. Well, one person did, but his idea was to put me down.
If you told my kids that their mom abandoned them, they would wonder why anyone would say that. Only they decide that and they haven't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do what's best for your kids. We got 50/50, but I never made the kid come to me if they didn't want to or were tired. I did not take ex back to court for not paying child support for 13 years (was to be put into 529) or even the health insurance required.
Ex completely backed off because there was nothing to argue about. Your kids will not disown you. They will love you for not continue this battle. They understand. Just be there for them any time they need you.
My second partner also decided to keep our child from me. Some kind of power tripping by both men. I stepped back again, and he even gave me crap for it. He wanted to fight. Fighting would have jeopardize my child's safety and mine. I wanted to sit that one out.
Long story short, first ex stopped fighting and second one hated that I had so much free time now. He wanted some of it too. He went out to party and partied too much. He is no more.
I got both my kids back. They love me and didn't have to go through or be between needless fighting. I just didn't engage at all.
Zero evidence that my kids don't love me. Not only are we together all the time now, but finally they get to see one another.
Don't listen to other people. Do what's best for your kids and you, and get away from toxic. The kids will come to you as soon as they can.
Nobody knows or cares that we had 50/50, but the kid stayed at dad's house. Well, one person did, but his idea was to put me down.
If you told my kids that their mom abandoned them, they would wonder why anyone would say that. Only they decide that and they haven't.

OP - Thank you PP. People have commented about how the kids are doing so well and I tell them it's because all the fighting is happening behind the scenes. When they are with me they know they are loved. My therapist says the exact number of days doesn't matter. It's just very hard.

[Anonymous]

Instead of being jealous, my ex now just tries to give me dating advice. I decided to be amused. We went thr all of the above

He now has suggested twice to me that I “find a rich husband.” sigh. I guess the weirdness just takes other forms

op- you’ll be fine You don’t need advice

[Anonymous]

Can you get 50/50 in the summer or after the kids age out of elementary?