Torn about custody

[Anonymous]

I separated from XH due to emotional and financial abuse and isolation. Long story, I was and continue to be very wronged. I was an excellent SAHM for many years and my kids had a solid foundation of love and active parenting.

After I separated, I got a job. Due to the financial abuse and XH's manipulation and lies, I ended up moving to an area I could afford and is closer to my workplace and farther from the kids. I still have them every weekend and a weekday dinner, but I let them live with their dad M-F so they could keep their same schools. Dad said he would move to the area I moved to (which is why I agreed to move) but that turned out to be a lie.

XH has been extremely aggressive in divorce (divorce abuse: excessive filings and refusal to budge in mediation, keeping the kids on weekends he wants them without my approval). As a result, the process has dragged on for 2 years so far.

At this point the kids are used to this schedule and these homes. I had asked for increased time and joint custody but am starting to wonder if I should just give up. Kids seem ok because they still see me regularly, I go to any evening school events I can and am in regular contact with the one who is old enough to have a phone.

XH is the type who will *always* take more and has no boundaries and so I have to protect against him. Even if I'm ok with just weekends since kids are all doing ok, my fear is if I agree to keep things status quo, he'll then try to move them since he's now primary physical parent.

I don't know how I ended up like this and it is very hard for me. I gave up a career to be a mom and have worked hard to support myself with no financial assistance from family or government and it all seems to have worked against me in the divorce process.

[Anonymous]

I'm not an expert on this at all. But if I was your kid I'd want to know you tried from 50/50. Just because he has more resources fight for your kids.

[Anonymous]

So you left, moved away from your kids and only see them every other weekend. Doesn't look good.
Yes, you can always get 50/50 custody if you want, but it sounds like you make a lot of excuses for why that won't work. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment on both sides. Leaving your kids is not ok.

You talk alot about financial abuse, manipulation, isolation. Exactly what? Was it just keeping to a budget
Is there any chance at reconciliation? Is your husband willing to work on it? or do you have another man in the picture?

[Anonymous]

Is always easier to stick it out until kids are grown at least.
Perhaps you could try to get back together, though if you initiated the divorce he might not be willing to do that now.

[Anonymous]

and so now Dad has to work full-time, be the full childcare and house tasks during the week. Pay for everything. And you wonder why he's mad.
Looks like you abandoned your family/kids

[Anonymous]

Are you having a midlife crisis? Sounds like it

[Anonymous]

No. Do not give up trying to get more custody and get the custody you have enforced. One day your kids will grow up and they will ask why you didn't keep trying. And you will have to look them in the eyes and answer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you left, moved away from your kids and only see them every other weekend. Doesn't look good.
Yes, you can always get 50/50 custody if you want, but it sounds like you make a lot of excuses for why that won't work. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment on both sides. Leaving your kids is not ok.

You talk alot about financial abuse, manipulation, isolation. Exactly what? Was it just keeping to a budget
Is there any chance at reconciliation? Is your husband willing to work on it? or do you have another man in the picture?

OP - You seem bitter. I never left my kids, so not sure why you are saying that. Please read and stop projecting your issues onto my situation.

I have them every weekend and a weekday dinner. Kids are in after school program so if you omit third-party time they actually have equal time with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I separated from XH due to emotional and financial abuse and isolation. Long story, I was and continue to be very wronged. I was an excellent SAHM for many years and my kids had a solid foundation of love and active parenting.

After I separated, I got a job. Due to the financial abuse and XH's manipulation and lies, I ended up moving to an area I could afford and is closer to my workplace and farther from the kids. I still have them every weekend and a weekday dinner, but I let them live with their dad M-F so they could keep their same schools. Dad said he would move to the area I moved to (which is why I agreed to move) but that turned out to be a lie.

XH has been extremely aggressive in divorce (divorce abuse: excessive filings and refusal to budge in mediation, keeping the kids on weekends he wants them without my approval). As a result, the process has dragged on for 2 years so far.

At this point the kids are used to this schedule and these homes. I had asked for increased time and joint custody but am starting to wonder if I should just give up. Kids seem ok because they still see me regularly, I go to any evening school events I can and am in regular contact with the one who is old enough to have a phone.

XH is the type who will *always* take more and has no boundaries and so I have to protect against him. Even if I'm ok with just weekends since kids are all doing ok, my fear is if I agree to keep things status quo, he'll then try to move them since he's now primary physical parent.

I don't know how I ended up like this and it is very hard for me. I gave up a career to be a mom and have worked hard to support myself with no financial assistance from family or government and it all seems to have worked against me in the divorce process.

YOU NEED to move back and go to court for 50-50. You aren't reasonable to expect him and the kids to pick up and move, especially when he's working. Don't do medication, file and let a judge decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you left, moved away from your kids and only see them every other weekend. Doesn't look good.
Yes, you can always get 50/50 custody if you want, but it sounds like you make a lot of excuses for why that won't work. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment on both sides. Leaving your kids is not ok.

You talk alot about financial abuse, manipulation, isolation. Exactly what? Was it just keeping to a budget
Is there any chance at reconciliation? Is your husband willing to work on it? or do you have another man in the picture?

OP - You seem bitter. I never left my kids, so not sure why you are saying that. Please read and stop projecting your issues onto my situation.

I have them every weekend and a weekday dinner. Kids are in after school program so if you omit third-party time they actually have equal time with me.

You choose to move away, so yes, you did leave them. You left them with there dad, which is fine.

[Anonymous]

What is the preference of the kids? Do they prefer to stay in their school?

[Anonymous]

OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I should've explained that their dad *asked* me to move to this particular area because he was going to move there in the summer. When I balked, he threatened to take our special needs kid out of her school, so I went. The time away from them was meant to be temporary - I didn't understand how low he would go with his lies, and that as soon as I moved out he would capitalize on it and reneg on what he said.

I know I know, I was dumb. I filed shortly after.

So this was 2 years ago? Sounds like you should be looking to move back by now.

[Anonymous]

You’ll need to provide more information to the group
1) how old kids
2) how much income now?
3) can you move now?
4) do you get alimony and or child support
5) you need to sketch out your finances broadly
You wrote a book but I didn’t see this relevant information.

Also, what’s the summer plan? Do you get four weeks? Start with summer. Dub

[Anonymous]

That was Duh. Also rude but not as rude as “dub” misspelled. Wake up

Why do you need cheap stranger help?