Teen refuses to talk about schedule and then yells when no one can drive

[Anonymous]

Use Cozi calendar

[Anonymous]

OP, you relate to your child as a fellow adult. But your child is not an adult yet. You are overlaying adult actions and responsibilities on a minor. Ask your child what he or she needs, okay? YOU take the lead on communication because your child is a child.

[Anonymous]

We have a white board calendar on the fridge. If your stuff isn’t on there with sufficient notice, it might not happen. Ignore any screaming that occurs as a result of their failure to update the schedule appropriately.

[Anonymous]

No, a 14 year old should not be managing their own schedule. They are still a child.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about a 19 year old who needed the car to get to work, or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, a 14 year old should not be managing their own schedule. They are still a child.

I absolutely expect my 9th grader to take the lead on managing her schedule.

[Anonymous]

Idk about other kids but my DD has sports, including school sports where the coaches communicate changes with the kids directly and don't tell the parents, friend hangouts, volunteering and other school activities that are scheduled directly through the kids like stage crew. How do you know all these things for your kid? We are at a regular public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk about other kids but my DD has sports, including school sports where the coaches communicate changes with the kids directly and don't tell the parents, friend hangouts, volunteering and other school activities that are scheduled directly through the kids like stage crew. How do you know all these things for your kid? We are at a regular public.

This is why it’s totally normal and expected that kids should be able to deal with their own schedule no later than high school. When I was in HS, the school didn’t tell parents about sports or play schedule. Kids scheduled their own hang outs with friends. How did you work it with your parents?

[Anonymous]

If the problem is a lack of timely communication about important dates that require advance planning, then I would seriously consider getting an evaluation, OP. No 14 year old I know with normal functioning fails to tell their parents about school or activity related dates. Occasionally something slips through the cracks, and there's a 5 alarm scheduling fire, but those things are supposed to be rare.

It sounds like your kid has ADHD, and is masking it with anxiety and anger because you're not getting her the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised your 14 year olds actually know these kinds of important dates. Ask my 14 year old dates for a lot of things and she has no idea. No ADHD, top student, but keeping track of competition days and meet ups is not something she can do yet. Most of her friends are the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk about other kids but my DD has sports, including school sports where the coaches communicate changes with the kids directly and don't tell the parents, friend hangouts, volunteering and other school activities that are scheduled directly through the kids like stage crew. How do you know all these things for your kid? We are at a regular public.

This is why it’s totally normal and expected that kids should be able to deal with their own schedule no later than high school. When I was in HS, the school didn’t tell parents about sports or play schedule. Kids scheduled their own hang outs with friends. How did you work it with your parents?

Mostly agree.

I think HSers definitely should be in charge of their schedule and the things they want to do. Depending on how much you made or let them handle things in MS, 9th graders might need a little guidance during the first part of the year, especially for the things you pay for, but by Winter Break, they should be on top of it. Doc/med/therapy appointments get made together when leaving a prior appointment and we make DC put them on our calendar.

HS is very different. They will know their schedule (different days/blocks) better than you and, more importantly, they or their friends will be able to drive (at some point). As a parent, you shouldn't be involved other than establishing the safety boundaries - like no more than 'x' number of kids (as permitted by law) and being aware of the general trustworthiness of the other driver/passengers.

Another PP mentioned getting a family calendar (paper or electronic) and letting that guide everyone. Both have their pros and cons and we finally took the shared/electronic version plunge about two years ago. It took us several months to really get the hang of it and now we all know to consult it before agreeing to, well, most everything.

Don't accept the yelling. That's just not appropriate and gets from us a big, fat 'NO' for this time and next. And they need to learn personal responsibility and that you catch more flies with honey. Now is the time to teach them that if you haven't already; it's not too late.

Good luck and stay strong!

[Anonymous]

Pick a time when you are not having a battle about rides. Tell DC you need to be given heads up for rides. If they last-minute spring a ride request on you, you may or may not be able to do it. When the time comes that you cannot do it, DC suffers the natural consequence of not getting the ride and missing the activity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you calmly say I would have tried to give you a ride but I need at least a week's notice. If you tell me as soon as you need to know the ride I can try to work with you. Otherwise, I am busy. Your time is valuable too, and they need boundaries just like everyone else.

You need a week's notice to drive your kid somewhere?

Maybe you can't relate to OP or the rest of us, because you have any work or other commitments. If my kid needs a ride somewhere that isn't on the routine schedule, then most of the time I might be able to do it, but some times I might not because I have to be somewhere else and can't drop everything at a moment's notice. And yes, it can take several days notice to find someone else to either drive the teen or see if the other obligation can be moved to another day. A 14 year old is old enough to start using a calendar and learning that the world doesn't revolve around them. They need nagging and reminding to be organized and put things on the schedule at first, but it's better to start now than when they are 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick a time when you are not having a battle about rides. Tell DC you need to be given heads up for rides. If they last-minute spring a ride request on you, you may or may not be able to do it. When the time comes that you cannot do it, DC suffers the natural consequence of not getting the ride and missing the activity

Best to make this a regular check-in with them at the same time every week. Or even more than once a week if the kid is particularly scattered but has a lot of activities going on.

[Anonymous]

Our kids have google accounts and access to a shared family calendar that pops up on our Skylight calendar so everyone knows what is going on in the coming week.