I don’t think it’s love.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this. It sucks. He's very rigid and likes things his way and feels threatened by my needs, big and small. Probably on the spectrum, poor attunement. The beginning was great until the stress of parenting undid him. He may need to fake it til he makes it with the help of a skilled therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people who are looking at others outside their marriage start to find a lot of faults with their partner...and rewrite history a little to justify why its okay to look and think about other men or women.

I am not sure why you think he shouldn't say anything if something you are doing is making him uncomfortable. I think if either spouse feels uncomfortable, they absolutely have a right to voice that.

Some of your issues just seems like normal marital differences. Unless he is superman, you can probably find a way to make that repair yourself. There are many ways to leverage heavy objects. Seems more you want to leave it undone so you can be upset about it.

Have you ever done couple counselling? It seems a bit like you want out but want it blame it all on him. Would be worth some counselling to explore the dynamic.

Believe me, I can’t make this repair myself. It takes 2 people, I need someone else.

Maybe I do want out, although I won’t leave. A girl can dream. I feel sad that I will have bad sex with an inattentive partner for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wives are NEVER happy and NEVER satisfied. Always something to pick on.

Oh please. Yeah, the complaining about not fixing things around the house is a little over the top. But anyone would complain about their spouse not giving them an O. And after 15 years if your spouse can't remember what foods you don't like, it means they aren't really paying attention to you.

Don’t normal people when dating tell their partner to either step it up in the sack or you are out of there? Who not only continues to date someone but also marries someone and then puts up with it for 15 years?

I was very inexperienced when we met, and thought it’s on me to learn to O. I am also was (and I am, the) very much in love with him: he’s handsome, funny, and smart. Just does not care much about me.

We have a kid, I am not leaving. He’s an amazing dad, I have to admit.

It is partly on you to learn to O. No one can be fully responsible for someone else's sexual satisfaction just like if he isn't 100% satisfied with you as a sexual partner, that isn't entirely on you - often both people need to work at it.

I can O on my own. I know he’s not fully responsible, but I need him to follow my requests, he just does not. He gets defensive when I ask to keep the pace or to change the position.
The funny thing, every time he acts surprised I did not cum. Like why would I?

[Anonymous]

He is just selfish, maybe a bit narcissistic. I am sorry, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is just selfish, maybe a bit narcissistic. I am sorry, OP

^^this. And you’re probably a bit codependent with low self esteem.

My advice would be to take advantage of the fact that he is clueless and start pouring love into yourself. You get yourself food you like. Take yourself out. Please yourself in bed. Heal your inner child, do therapy. Loving yourself better and taking the focus off of how you’re not getting the love you want from someone else is the only way.

[Anonymous]

You love differently and have different love languages. Get to counseling and figure them out. Don't destroy your marriage over miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wives are NEVER happy and NEVER satisfied. Always something to pick on.

Oh please. Yeah, the complaining about not fixing things around the house is a little over the top. But anyone would complain about their spouse not giving them an O. And after 15 years if your spouse can't remember what foods you don't like, it means they aren't really paying attention to you.

Don’t normal people when dating tell their partner to either step it up in the sack or you are out of there? Who not only continues to date someone but also marries someone and then puts up with it for 15 years?

I was very inexperienced when we met, and thought it’s on me to learn to O. I am also was (and I am, the) very much in love with him: he’s handsome, funny, and smart. Just does not care much about me.

We have a kid, I am not leaving. He’s an amazing dad, I have to admit.

It is partly on you to learn to O. No one can be fully responsible for someone else's sexual satisfaction just like if he isn't 100% satisfied with you as a sexual partner, that isn't entirely on you - often both people need to work at it.

There’s a lot of gaslighting of women around Os. I’ve always been able to solo since I was a teenager but rarely did during sex - definitely not until I was 24 or so and only maybe 10% of the time after that. I knew how to, I’d already taught myself and figured out what I liked, I just thought it was because women naturally don’t as much.

Then I met H, who is incredible in bed. Skilled at foreplay, doesn’t rush things, does what I like, has read numerous articles and books on how to be good in bed. Right from the beginning I Od 100% of the time with him, usually multiple times.

I’m sure most women are like this - they can O solo but not with most men. In which case it’s not a matter of learning, it’s that the guy is bad in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is just selfish, maybe a bit narcissistic. I am sorry, OP

Yep!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can love but have low attunement conditioning and abilities. The things you are describing are how someone feels seen and heard.

Have you talked to him about it? If he isn’t defensive and is open minded it could go really well. It’ll be slow changing but just being understood in your needs will increase connection between you two.

If he is defensive it is still possible but will just take more work and likely time. You’ll need to learn how best to approach defensiveness and that it’s really about insecurity so speaking to him in a way to feels secure to him (basically affirmation and validation etc… same with anxious types).

This is emotional intimacy in a form and we don’t all possess it whether from lack of modeling or other issues.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. He does have low emotional intimacy skills, but as I said, he is not a bad person. He is much, much better than when we started.

He is very defensive when I bring it up. It takes a total meltdown from me for him to pay attention. Once, he left me at the security check at the airport while I was putting my shoes back on and proceeded to the gate without me. He could not understand why I was so upset; he assumed I’d catch up. I was so hurt and so mad. Well, he almost always waits for me now, but only after that ugly scene at the airport.

With the fixing things around the house, there is one thing that really makes my life difficult that I need him to fix. I can’t do it myself (it involves some heavy lifting). The last time I called a handyman for an issue, DH got offended. For this thing, I’ve been asking for at least half a year. I need to throw a tantrum for it to happen, and I just don’t have it in me right now.

My problem now, is that I started developing crushes on men who are just attentive and kind to me. I am embarrassed that I crave attention. At work, someone patiently helped me fixed at issue after I asked one and I almost cried. I also notice how my parents meet each other’s needs, how my sisters have spouses who take care of them, and it makes me said that I am missing out.

Pp here - from reading your response I would advise you start with yourself first and look into anxious attachment style to help you develop a more secure practice. Don’t worry about his for now. Let it be (which I realize it hard but good to practice).

As you become heartier and whole within yourself it will be easier and clearer as to how to ask for your needs and also attune to his. Attunement with yourself is first and foremost though.

At the end of the day he cannot fully meet your needs if you have an insecure attachment style within yourself. This is for you to make more whole.

I hope this to be encouraging versus discouraging. You have more control over your emotional experience than might at first occur.

[Anonymous]

Does he say why he loves you or what he loves about you? My husband is really good about saying he loves me but also that he's proud of me, that he's proud to be my wife, that he loves how X I am, then he loves when I do Y, etc. Maybe he does feel that way but just doesn't articulate it? (And I never asked my husband to articulate, he just does, but he likes words of affirmation so he's good at them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says he loves me. But what he loves is the comfort being with me. Not always, of course, but he makes sure to correct me when my behavior makes him uncomfortable. After 15 years of marriage, I realized that he did not care and never cared how to make me enjoy the time with him. He never cared to make me O, can’t remember the foods I dislike, never tries to fix broken things around the house that bug me. He claims to love me, and I tell him it’s not the right word. He’s not a villain, nor does anything to intentionally upset me. He just dgaf. I can’t make him care. I feel defeated.

I'm not sure how long you've been married, but honestly, this is a pretty big deal.

Also, my husband makes fun of me because I always get certain food preferences wrong. Right now, I can't tell you if he loves or loathes green or black olives, but it's one of the two. I ordered him a drink once and he was like why on earth did you think I liked that? I bought him a snack at the gas station one time because I saw it and thought he loved it. Nope, he hates them. I adore my husband, but for some reason I cannot tell you all his food preferences, and even the other day I was surprised when he said he wouldn't like something that I thought he'd love and we've been together 15 years.

As for never fixing broken things that bug you, why should he fix them? Can you not? My husband is in charge of certain things (i.e. light bulbs), so when one goes out I tell him because it bothers me and he fixes it. But if the towel rack in the bathroom broke, he might fix it but he might also be like, why don't you fix it because it doesn't bother me? And that's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wives are NEVER happy and NEVER satisfied. Always something to pick on.

Oh please. Yeah, the complaining about not fixing things around the house is a little over the top. But anyone would complain about their spouse not giving them an O. And after 15 years if your spouse can't remember what foods you don't like, it means they aren't really paying attention to you.

I just posted above that I can't remember certain of my husband's food preferences after 15 years and it's not because I don't listen or pay attention and it's not because I don't care, it's because somehow that information doesn't stick in my brain. I suppose I could write it down and then refer to my notes all the time, but it's not an issue because we generally laugh about it so I haven't need to come up with a cure. And I'm a Type A person who is generally pretty good about keeping a million spinning plates in the air at once, but some things just don't register, and certain of his food or beverage choices are those things, I don't know why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wives are NEVER happy and NEVER satisfied. Always something to pick on.

But in this marriage, the DH picks on OP if she says or does something that he isn’t happy with.

Or you could say that he uses his voice to explain to her how he feels, while she quietly seethes inside. Which one is better in that scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can love but have low attunement conditioning and abilities. The things you are describing are how someone feels seen and heard.

Have you talked to him about it? If he isn’t defensive and is open minded it could go really well. It’ll be slow changing but just being understood in your needs will increase connection between you two.

If he is defensive it is still possible but will just take more work and likely time. You’ll need to learn how best to approach defensiveness and that it’s really about insecurity so speaking to him in a way to feels secure to him (basically affirmation and validation etc… same with anxious types).

This is emotional intimacy in a form and we don’t all possess it whether from lack of modeling or other issues.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. He does have low emotional intimacy skills, but as I said, he is not a bad person. He is much, much better than when we started.

He is very defensive when I bring it up. It takes a total meltdown from me for him to pay attention. Once, he left me at the security check at the airport while I was putting my shoes back on and proceeded to the gate without me. He could not understand why I was so upset; he assumed I’d catch up. I was so hurt and so mad. Well, he almost always waits for me now, but only after that ugly scene at the airport.

With the fixing things around the house, there is one thing that really makes my life difficult that I need him to fix. I can’t do it myself (it involves some heavy lifting). The last time I called a handyman for an issue, DH got offended. For this thing, I’ve been asking for at least half a year. I need to throw a tantrum for it to happen, and I just don’t have it in me right now.

My problem now, is that I started developing crushes on men who are just attentive and kind to me. I am embarrassed that I crave attention. At work, someone patiently helped me fixed at issue after I asked one and I almost cried. I also notice how my parents meet each other’s needs, how my sisters have spouses who take care of them, and it makes me said that I am missing out.

This is...a lot...

It's rude to leave someone behind, obviously, but to be "so hurt and so mad" about it is over the top.

[Anonymous]

1. If the thing needs to be fixed, hire a handyman. Don’t emotionally manipulate him into it. And don’t let his potential reaction get in the way. Focus on reality and solutions.

2. In that vain; allow yourself to mourn the husband you don’t have. Truly grieve and then let go of what could have been.

3. Take more steps like the first step. Step up to get the things you need and want out of life. Be creative and unapologetic about it. If you want more orgasms, buy better sex toys.

A therapist can help with this more n