Reply to I don’t think it’s love.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You can love but have low attunement conditioning and abilities. The things you are describing are how someone feels seen and heard.

Have you talked to him about it? If he isn’t defensive and is open minded it could go really well. It’ll be slow changing but just being understood in your needs will increase connection between you two.

If he is defensive it is still possible but will just take more work and likely time. You’ll need to learn how best to approach defensiveness and that it’s really about insecurity so speaking to him in a way to feels secure to him (basically affirmation and validation etc… same with anxious types).

This is emotional intimacy in a form and we don’t all possess it whether from lack of modeling or other issues.[/quote]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. He does have low emotional intimacy skills, but as I said, he is not a bad person. He is much, much better than when we started.

He is very defensive when I bring it up. It takes a total meltdown from me for him to pay attention. Once, he left me at the security check at the airport while I was putting my shoes back on and proceeded to the gate without me. He could not understand why I was so upset; he assumed I’d catch up. I was so hurt and so mad. Well, he almost always waits for me now, but only after that ugly scene at the airport.

With the fixing things around the house, there is one thing that really makes my life difficult that I need him to fix. I can’t do it myself (it involves some heavy lifting). The last time I called a handyman for an issue, DH got offended. For this thing, I’ve been asking for at least half a year. I need to throw a tantrum for it to happen, and I just don’t have it in me right now.

My problem now, is that I started developing crushes on men who are just attentive and kind to me. I am embarrassed that I crave attention. At work, someone patiently helped me fixed at issue after I asked one and I almost cried. I also notice how my parents meet each other’s needs, how my sisters have spouses who take care of them, and it makes me said that I am missing out.
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Pp here - from reading your response I would advise you start with yourself first and look into anxious attachment style to help you develop a more secure practice. Don’t worry about his for now. Let it be (which I realize it hard but good to practice).

As you become heartier and whole within yourself it will be easier and clearer as to how to ask for your needs and also attune to his. Attunement with yourself is first and foremost though.

At the end of the day he cannot fully meet your needs if you have an insecure attachment style within yourself. This is for you to make more whole.

I hope this to be encouraging versus discouraging. You have more control over your emotional experience than might at first occur.
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