MIL claims she has a right on my DH

[Anonymous]

She lost her husband, for whatever reason.

Your DH is the man in her life and he is responsible for her. Same for SIL until she gets married.

That's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks, OP said they are Indian. This is a cultural issue so don’t bash her.

OP is bashing. OP married into the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"she has a right on him"? What does that even mean? Were you ok with supporting them before? NOW he has to check with you? Sounds like a ton of enabling behavior going on

I was never okay with him committing to give them money on a whim. They would call and cry and pressure him so he would agree and tell me later. We had fights about how this just makes me feel insignificant in our relationship so he is trying to change. He is trying to send them the message that our money is not just ‘his’ money and we are in a partnership so we need to discuss before we agree to give someone money. So he tried to do this for the first time. When he told her that, she called me too to try to convince me. I don’t like the pressure and it was awkward. We gave it. And now she is showing that she is upset with this change that money decisions will also involve me.. and he is not going to do whatever she commands.. so she kept emphasizing that she has a right on him meaning that why do u need to check with your wife. Its your money and I am your mother and I have a right on you.

I'm sorry, it sounds difficult. My understanding is she had 80k and this lasted 5 years? 80k is not enough to live the rest of her life on, so that doesn't sound like she's been spending lavishly and it's not surprising that if she was short on money before, she is again. Your husband needs to take a bit of a lead in this... budget, what income she has, if her house is paid off... and then he needs to present you with the numbers, and you guys decide IF and WHAT to give her as an allowance... so that she is not calling and dropping an emotional bomb every time she needs money. And then all he has t say is "We gave you the X per month and it's all we can give."

[Anonymous]

Divorce him. Save yourself.

[Anonymous]

This is hard, because it's not what Americans are culturally used to. If your DH's family had the multi-generational view of wealth accumulation and caring for family, then his mom may be in a poor financial position now. They built their lives assuming they could depend on their adult kids when they needed financial help. That often comes in the form of living together, but not always.

American families attempt to be financial independent from one another. It's harder and harder to do that these days, but that's the plan. So if my American born/raised mother isn't being wise with her money in retirement, I may help here and there, but it's not really my responsibility. My Arab husband feels very differently, and does a lot to support his mother, who has relied her whole life on men to provide. And I support that because I know they had different expectations and he's the oldest son. However, I also make my own income so I'm never 100% reliant on his income. It can take some large fluctuations and our lifestyle doesn't take a hit.

If your MIL depended on the men in her life, all her life, I'd cut her and your DH some slack. It's complicated translating one cultural expectation to another.

That doesn't mean just do as she says. It's definitely a decision you and your DH need to make. Your mental health and quality of life, and your ongoing relationship with your husband, have to take priority. And if you have kids, they need to be considered too. Does funding your MIL come at the expense of funding a college fund, for example.

I just feel like an older woman with no real money-generating options is in a tough place and extending a little bit of understanding might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

This is unfortunately and unfairly a very different situation if you can afford it vs. if it's a stretch.

He did the right thing: this is YOUR joint discussion to make. I hope he holds firm with that.

If you can afford it, it might be best to come to an agreement about how much how often is OK. My DH and I have had some blowouts about him spending between $500 and $3500 on, mostly, things that are not necessary (trips, gifts, cosmetic home improvements). It's easier if I just give him permission to spend $3000 a year or so. If it's gonna happen, there are some things that I just don't want to know about because I will be irate. It is a very tough place to be in, I know.

[Anonymous]

^ to be clear this is all for his parents.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to sit down with your DH and write down some numbers. What she has, what she's expecting and what you can/cannot give. Looks like the 80K is gone. Once the numbers are written down, you let her know, also in writing. The solution cannot be that every time she needs money, she's blowing up your and DHs phone. Once you have the plan in writing, you don't pick up the phone or hang up when she starts whining about money. It may be that she has no money and was hoping that your DH supports her. But she must have something, a house, a property? As far as SIL is concerned, does she not work and earn her own income or rely on her own spouse? DH is definitely not responsible for SIL.

[Anonymous]

Also wanted to add that I'm an immigrant myself from a developing country and while my parents don't have an expectation that I pay for them (and thankfully, they have enough themselves), they absolutely have no understanding of how expensive life is here (compared to there), that college costs a lot of money (it's free there), that healthcare is insane (again free there) and so on. They think that with our salaries we're some top 1% (because again, we would be there) without having any clue what top 1% means here. Meaning, parents of immigrants may have completely unrealistic expectations of financial support.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really great that your DH has *learned* and is respecting you more now, OP. Yes, your MIL sucks but your DH is doing better. I'd suggest coming up with an agreed upon annual $$ for giveaway to family members and sticking to that.

[Anonymous]

Next time he needs to say “I will get back to you.” And leave it at that. She will push and say things like “why, because you need to check with her!?” And be upset etc…

He just needs to say “that is not what this is about. I’ve heard your ask and will get back to you soon.”

Rinse and repeat. After enough go arounds and holding firm she will likely adjust. Do not feed the accusations and whining.

[Anonymous]

I also think that the inlaws need to hear the message that the money matters are not just up-to DH. I think it’s fine for him to say that he needs to discuss with you or check with you.. they need to accept that. How is it fair to just decide whatever amount to give to someone without having a discussion with your spouse? Be it anyone

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have always paid for her healthcare expenses. I have no problems with us helping her financially. But the money she mostly asks is for discretionary expenses not any basic needs or necessities. The issue is she feels that I should have no say in it and that whatever she wants whenever she wants she should be able to get just by calling DH and he should immediately agree. I understand that it was how it was before when my DH was unable to see how that was wrong behavior as a married couple. But now that he realizes his past mistakes and wants to make this right she obviously is having a hard time and as usual using emotional blackmail to guilt trip him back into the old ways. He can see it too and understands what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Arab husband feels very differently, and does a lot to support his mother, who has relied her whole life on men to provide. And I support that because I know they had different expectations and he's the oldest son. However, I also make my own income so I'm never 100% reliant on his income. It can take some large fluctuations and our lifestyle doesn't take a hit.

If your MIL depended on the men in her life, all her life, I'd cut her and your DH some slack. It's complicated translating one cultural expectation to another.

That doesn't mean just do as she says. It's definitely a decision you and your DH need to make. Your mental health and quality of life, and your ongoing relationship with your husband, have to take priority. And if you have kids, they need to be considered too. Does funding your MIL come at the expense of funding a college fund, for example.

I just feel like an older woman with no real money-generating options is in a tough place and extending a little bit of understanding might be helpful.

This is well said. Most posters are missing the cultural context here and it’s important

[Anonymous]

People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family