MIL claims she has a right on my DH

[Anonymous]

Basically we financially supported my mil and sil for several years. Rent, health insurance , money she asked for lawyers, divorce etc.. Then about 5 years ago they received a good chunk of money after my fil passed. Before then mil and sil will call up my DH and ask for whatever they wanted and he fulfilled. Since they got this significant amount of cash (80k each) we stopped giving them the monthly allowance (1000$ or more). Then about 4 weeks ago mil asked for some cash my dh told her that he needs to check with me (first time ever he told her that). After that mil called my dh and cried and whined that she has a right on him as he is her son and she feels uncomfortable asking for money because now he has to seek my (dil) permission. DH tried to tell her that since its our money we have to discuss before we give it to someone.. she kept arguing about it.. i was really upset. Been married 26 years. She always felt the need to compete with me for his attention and because of that never even bonded with my 4 kids. Just venting.. marriage is hard. Sometimes it seems much easier to be single..

[Anonymous]

At least there's a glimmer of hope for your husband. Please take this respite to discuss with him how to handle the time when his relatives will inevitably run out of money again. Ideally, he should tell them right now, ASAP, that they need to carefully manage their windfall, because he will not support them ever again.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should have discussed it with you and relayed the joint response to his mother. His way puts the awkwardness on you and intends to humiliate her so she drops it.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it’s so hard to see these enmeshed relationships before marriage, or to comprehend how much of household income will be sent to parents, siblings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have discussed it with you and relayed the joint response to his mother. His way puts the awkwardness on you and intends to humiliate her so she drops it.

He threw you under the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have discussed it with you and relayed the joint response to his mother. His way puts the awkwardness on you and intends to humiliate her so she drops it.

Oh I think I read I wrong. I thought he said SHE needs to check directly with OP but it looks like he said he has to, which I agree with. Communication should go through him.

[Anonymous]

"she has a right on him"? What does that even mean? Were you ok with supporting them before? NOW he has to check with you? Sounds like a ton of enabling behavior going on

[Anonymous]

Are you/your DH’s family Asian, OP? I have seen this behavior regularly in my Indian family, mostly in my parents’ generation though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you/your DH’s family Asian, OP? I have seen this behavior regularly in my Indian family, mostly in my parents’ generation though.

Yes, Indian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have discussed it with you and relayed the joint response to his mother. His way puts the awkwardness on you and intends to humiliate her so she drops it.

He threw you under the bus.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"she has a right on him"? What does that even mean? Were you ok with supporting them before? NOW he has to check with you? Sounds like a ton of enabling behavior going on

I was never okay with him committing to give them money on a whim. They would call and cry and pressure him so he would agree and tell me later. We had fights about how this just makes me feel insignificant in our relationship so he is trying to change. He is trying to send them the message that our money is not just ‘his’ money and we are in a partnership so we need to discuss before we agree to give someone money. So he tried to do this for the first time. When he told her that, she called me too to try to convince me. I don’t like the pressure and it was awkward. We gave it. And now she is showing that she is upset with this change that money decisions will also involve me.. and he is not going to do whatever she commands.. so she kept emphasizing that she has a right on him meaning that why do u need to check with your wife. Its your money and I am your mother and I have a right on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have discussed it with you and relayed the joint response to his mother. His way puts the awkwardness on you and intends to humiliate her so she drops it.

He threw you under the bus.

Yep.

OP here. I disagree. Its about sending them a message that our money is not solely his money and he will not just give them anything they ask for without discussing with me. They don’t understand this. They act like our money is only his and that his wife and kids don’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Now that is the case but before you said they asked and he fulfilled. Now he is putting the blame on you. You actually have a husband problem. He is a wuss who won't put his foot down with his Mommy and when he tries and she complains he says it is because of you.

Winner you got there. But hey, you picked him.

[Anonymous]

Folks, OP said they are Indian. This is a cultural issue so don’t bash her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should have discussed it with you and relayed the joint response to his mother. His way puts the awkwardness on you and intends to humiliate her so she drops it.

He threw you under the bus.

Yep.

OP here. I disagree. Its about sending them a message that our money is not solely his money and he will not just give them anything they ask for without discussing with me. They don’t understand this. They act like our money is only his and that his wife and kids don’t matter.

That's how they feel and maybe even how he was brought up, but then he married you and realized -- equal partners, modern world, so good for him. It goes both ways too. You need to stick to your guns as a family unit and supportive partners.