Do you judge yourself by your kids performance

[Anonymous]

I used to but then I realized I don't credit myself when they do well so why should I blame myself when they don't?

[Anonymous]

I did at first. Took therapy and perspective to stop. Its not healthy ir appropriate for you or your kids. Let them be their own people but most importantly, remind yourself that your value doesn't lie in your kids. It doesnt even lie in your parenting (and those are 2 different things; you can be a great parent with a kid who messes up a lot).

What did you base your value on before you had kids?

[Anonymous]

Okay. Bear with me, but this really changed my perspective.
There are sequels to Little Women called Jo’s Boys and Little Men. In them, Jo from Little Women opens a boarding school and more or less raises five or six boys (and one girl) who come there. In Little Men, they grow up and go in their own different directions doing different things. Some do well. Some get into trouble. As the narrator, Jo is happy for them or worried for them or proud for them, but she never takes credit for their lives good or bad. The boys have their own lives. She is there to guide them, but not to own them.

Anyway, I reread these books when my kids were little, and it really change my perspective on what I wanted to be as a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did at first. Took therapy and perspective to stop. Its not healthy ir appropriate for you or your kids. Let them be their own people but most importantly, remind yourself that your value doesn't lie in your kids. It doesnt even lie in your parenting (and those are 2 different things; you can be a great parent with a kid who messes up a lot).

What did you base your value on before you had kids?

OP here. I was never a good student in elementary or middle. Didn’t try and had a lot going on. Got better in high school. Always wished that I was better. I guess I always thought that my kids would not have the problems that I had and will have a nicer childhood and involved parents so will automatically excel and will have a natural drive. But it didn’t turn out that way. While my kids are good kids, they are above average at school, and sports, I feel they are not that driven to improve themselves and are okay with mediocre work at times..so it boggles my mind why they don’t want to try more and improve? In all aspects of life?

[Anonymous]

No. I understand my own self worth and it isn’t wrapped up in my kids.

And it’s a good thing I was already a person who didn’t think like this, because I’ve ended up with a kid with profound intellectual disability. So, there is no “excelling at academics or sports” in my world with Kid 1.

That said, I have a second kid who isn’t as driven as me and that is fine. She will find her path. She has never done a sport. She loves musical theater, but is only ever going to be in the ensemble. I’m just glad she loves it. I don’t need her to get a solo. She is a lovely person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at first. Took therapy and perspective to stop. Its not healthy ir appropriate for you or your kids. Let them be their own people but most importantly, remind yourself that your value doesn't lie in your kids. It doesnt even lie in your parenting (and those are 2 different things; you can be a great parent with a kid who messes up a lot).

What did you base your value on before you had kids?

OP here. I was never a good student in elementary or middle. Didn’t try and had a lot going on. Got better in high school. Always wished that I was better. I guess I always thought that my kids would not have the problems that I had and will have a nicer childhood and involved parents so will automatically excel and will have a natural drive. But it didn’t turn out that way. While my kids are good kids, they are above average at school, and sports, I feel they are not that driven to improve themselves and are okay with mediocre work at times..so it boggles my mind why they don’t want to try more and improve? In all aspects of life?

I really don’t mean this unkindly, but why would you assume that your children would be exceptional? By definition, so few people are. Even really smart ones. Assuming your kids will be the rare ones with exceptional intelligence and the drive and EQ to be truly successful feels unrealistic and unwise as a parent.

Like you I had a hard childhood that dimmed my light and lowered my drive and probably caused me to underachieve in a lot of ways. But having a parent and seeing some of my basic executive functioning issues reflected in my very young child has given me some peace in a sense and helped me see that a lot of this is genetic and outside your control as a parent. Maximize the kids you’ve got with realistic expectations. You can live a great, meaningful life without being exceptional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course! Who doesn't judge themselves by their kids' performance?

I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do I think.

I mean if they miss a mark or screw up I am not angry or even disappointed usually. But for example when my kid got an almost perfect standardized test score it felt kind of weird, like it was my achievement. But it wasn't.

I think it's more vicariously re-living through them, feeling like some part of you did really well when maybe you didn't measure up to them your own time around?

[Anonymous]

I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it OP. It's hard not to take it all personally.

One thing I try to remind myself, especially as my kids get older, is that it's actually unfair to my kids to view everything they do as a reflection on me. They are their own people. When they succeed and have victories, they deserve for those to belong to them and not have to share them with me or their dad. And likewise, when they fail or make mistakes, they can own those mistakes too. With little kids you can take that on, but as kids get older I think it's important for them to know they are their own people and their lives belong to them, not to their parents.

Also, I think about how my mom often makes my struggles in life about her, and how this always makes me feel exponentially worse. To the point where when I am going through something tough, I never want to talk to my mom about it because she can't view anything with any distance so it feels like she forces me to wallow in it. What I want from my mom is someone who can say "I know you will find a way out of this because you are a strong person and you've always figured it out before. I'm here to help if you need it but if you don't need help from me, just know I have faith in you."

I will never get that from my mom but I try to give it to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at first. Took therapy and perspective to stop. Its not healthy ir appropriate for you or your kids. Let them be their own people but most importantly, remind yourself that your value doesn't lie in your kids. It doesnt even lie in your parenting (and those are 2 different things; you can be a great parent with a kid who messes up a lot).

What did you base your value on before you had kids?

OP here. I was never a good student in elementary or middle. Didn’t try and had a lot going on. Got better in high school. Always wished that I was better. I guess I always thought that my kids would not have the problems that I had and will have a nicer childhood and involved parents so will automatically excel and will have a natural drive. But it didn’t turn out that way. While my kids are good kids, they are above average at school, and sports, I feel they are not that driven to improve themselves and are okay with mediocre work at times..so it boggles my mind why they don’t want to try more and improve? In all aspects of life?

Please get therapy before you destroy your relationship with your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers.

So you literally give everything in your life, every day, 100% effort? Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers.

What PP means is that she views her kids as valuable *to her* and worthy of love no matter what. So even if they fail, even if they "slack", she still loves them and thinks they still have value as people.

Instilling this in kids is actually important to building resilience which allows them to put in "100% effort." Kids (and adults) who worry that if they fail, they will no longer deserve love or will cease to matter to their family and friends, can become paralyzed by fear. This causes people to take fewer chances and can lead to procrastination habits (so: slacking). But people who know that they have value even if they screw up are more willing to put in effort because the stakes are lower. And they are less likely to get discouraged and give up when they face setbacks because they won't take those setbacks personally. Instead of seeing themselves as fundamentally bad at whatever it is, they will recognize their own potential and try to learn from their mistakes.

Making space for kids to fail and try again is essential for raising ambitious, successful kids. Intense pressure and the threat of losing your love or respect every time they get a bad grade, lose a game, or fail to nab a top award will backfire eventually.