Do you judge yourself by your kids performance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at first. Took therapy and perspective to stop. Its not healthy ir appropriate for you or your kids. Let them be their own people but most importantly, remind yourself that your value doesn't lie in your kids. It doesnt even lie in your parenting (and those are 2 different things; you can be a great parent with a kid who messes up a lot).

What did you base your value on before you had kids?

OP here. I was never a good student in elementary or middle. Didn’t try and had a lot going on. Got better in high school. Always wished that I was better. I guess I always thought that my kids would not have the problems that I had and will have a nicer childhood and involved parents so will automatically excel and will have a natural drive. But it didn’t turn out that way. While my kids are good kids, they are above average at school, and sports, I feel they are not that driven to improve themselves and are okay with mediocre work at times..so it boggles my mind why they don’t want to try more and improve? In all aspects of life?

How are they above average in everything and what else could they do to satisfy you?

They put in minimal effort. They can be a lot better if they work harder and actually care and try. They need constant reminders and nagging, they don’t take ownership of their own responsibilities.. reminders to practice instrument, reminders to do their chores, reminders to do hw.. and they will do the bare minimum. God forbid if they read an extra minute over 20 mins of required reading, or practiced their instrument for an extra minute.. the list goes on and on..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I do I think.

I mean if they miss a mark or screw up I am not angry or even disappointed usually. But for example when my kid got an almost perfect standardized test score it felt kind of weird, like it was my achievement. But it wasn't.

I think it's more vicariously re-living through them, feeling like some part of you did really well when maybe you didn't measure up to them your own time around?

You sound pathetic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers.

What PP means is that she views her kids as valuable *to her* and worthy of love no matter what. So even if they fail, even if they "slack", she still loves them and thinks they still have value as people.

Instilling this in kids is actually important to building resilience which allows them to put in "100% effort." Kids (and adults) who worry that if they fail, they will no longer deserve love or will cease to matter to their family and friends, can become paralyzed by fear. This causes people to take fewer chances and can lead to procrastination habits (so: slacking). But people who know that they have value even if they screw up are more willing to put in effort because the stakes are lower. And they are less likely to get discouraged and give up when they face setbacks because they won't take those setbacks personally. Instead of seeing themselves as fundamentally bad at whatever it is, they will recognize their own potential and try to learn from their mistakes.

Making space for kids to fail and try again is essential for raising ambitious, successful kids. Intense pressure and the threat of losing your love or respect every time they get a bad grade, lose a game, or fail to nab a top award will backfire eventually.

But why do people assume kids who get bad grades don’t know as much academically as kids who get top grades?