How to handle when teen DD makes snippy comments out of the blue?

[Anonymous]

Why does it bother you so much?

Ignore it, as if you didn't even hear it. Come on you are the adult, in theory.

When you are a few days removed you should talk to her. Hey I notice that sometime you say things to me that are quite rude. Is there something going on with you? Is there something I'm doing that is causing friction? We need to be able to talk about these things but also, you can't expect me to be perfect all the time and you do need to be polite. I don't expect you to be perfect either but it's something you need to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Acquaint her with applications to become a member of the US Armed Services.

Translation: I'm so insecure I'm going to make veiled threat that I would give you to an orange idiot who will get you killed if you don't let me control you.

[Anonymous]

My 14 yo does this to her brother. I call it every time. She can apologize or leave the rest of the family for a break but she can’t tear her brother down every time he opens his mouth. If she directed it at me, I’d do the same thing.

I also stopped letting her sit for her brother which means her source of income has dried up. If she can shape up, she can sit again.

[Anonymous]

Jump up and run around the room repeatedly screaming whatever she just said to you. Then sit down and go about your business like nothing ever happened. Repeat every time until she does it in public and gets so embarrassed by your behavior that she never even thinks about doing it again. Add a loud whistle or bull horn for extra effect.

[Anonymous]

I agree on calling it out every time. How you do it I think depends on your personality and what your daughter responds to.

I would not leave it to my spouse though I would expect my spouse to be on the same page. (Fortunately in my house we are).

I also am careful about not setting my DD up to be mean. For example if she has PMS or is stressed over homework or tests, I mane sure to give plenty of space.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this, too, OP.

I disagree with the idea of having the other parent say something. Why in the world?

I think the best thing -- and trust me when I admit that this is easier said than done -- is to behave like you take it seriously but not take it seriously deep down. Like to respond EVERY SINGLE TIME with a serious but not emotional "Not an appropriate way to talk to me" and some version of "please apologize and rephrase." Usually the kid is shocked like he/she absolutely did not realize the tone.

I try to avoid the "why?" questions because there is no good answer to that. It's is like we are begging them to say "because I am a jerk" ... which yes, but that isn't the point or "because I hate you" which of course they don't.

I don't like the ignoring or very mild response. Yes, it is developmentally totally appropriate but it isn't socially appropriate. Also, I have to recognize my own limitations. If I let it go, I build up anger and resentment and then end up lashing out. So, it is better for me to have a plan and never let it go.

Best of luck, OP. I was endlessly patient when they were toddlers but find the teen years very challenging!

[Anonymous]

Lol is this your first teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yo does this to her brother. I call it every time. She can apologize or leave the rest of the family for a break but she can’t tear her brother down every time he opens his mouth. If she directed it at me, I’d do the same thing.

I also stopped letting her sit for her brother which means her source of income has dried up. If she can shape up, she can sit again.

I have this issue with my 16yo DD. She is at best indifferent to her 13 yo sister and at worse cruel and cutting. A lot of it is tone and looks and eye rolls that she tries to pretend were “nothing.”

I’m really struggling with not disliking her at times. I can handle it against me, but it’s really hard to watch cruelty from one of your children against another. It makes me wonder what we did wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yo does this to her brother. I call it every time. She can apologize or leave the rest of the family for a break but she can’t tear her brother down every time he opens his mouth. If she directed it at me, I’d do the same thing.

I also stopped letting her sit for her brother which means her source of income has dried up. If she can shape up, she can sit again.

I’m the PP with the 16yo. Can you give examples of your responses? I struggle with exactly the words to say. I want to get my point across without a long, emotionally-charged lecture.

[Anonymous]

Ignore.

It's part of the weird hormonal stage of teenagers. I don't even know if they know they're being hurtful bc that's also sometimes the way they just talk.

My 2 teens roasted each other for 10 min the other day then it turned even more merciless (if that was possible). Lead to tears. I called out Teen 1 on it. Semi sorry, but thinking about it they both were voicing their opinions and venting their annoyances and frustrations at each other. Just the way they do things when you're 15-17 yrs old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore.

It's part of the weird hormonal stage of teenagers. I don't even know if they know they're being hurtful bc that's also sometimes the way they just talk.

My 2 teens roasted each other for 10 min the other day then it turned even more merciless (if that was possible). Lead to tears. I called out Teen 1 on it. Semi sorry, but thinking about it they both were voicing their opinions and venting their annoyances and frustrations at each other. Just the way they do things when you're 15-17 yrs old.

It’s harder to ignore when you have one acerbic teen and one very sensitive one. The sensitive one can’t take it and the acerbic one shows little empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so developmentally typical, OP, though it hurts. It’s almost surprising it took her until 15 for things like this to happen.

Lisa Damour advises telling kids they can be friendly, polite, or ask for space. This might be the latter. You can definitely call it out (“ouch” “not okay”) and having your husband say something is a great idea. And I agree that you can’t stay quiet for risk of her going off on you, because that’s developmentally normal for adolescents, too. It’s how their brains develop. Obviously it doesn’t make it okay, but I think it’s important to know.

+1. Lisa Damour agrees with my go-to which “let’s try that again.”

You have to keep it very simple and not get tangled up in their (or your) emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes call “Unnecessary meanness fouls” in my house. I don’t have a weighted yellow hankie, but if you do, you can toss one on the ground and then move on.

Haha, I like that too. (Not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so developmentally typical, OP, though it hurts. It’s almost surprising it took her until 15 for things like this to happen.

Lisa Damour advises telling kids they can be friendly, polite, or ask for space. This might be the latter. You can definitely call it out (“ouch” “not okay”) and having your husband say something is a great idea. And I agree that you can’t stay quiet for risk of her going off on you, because that’s developmentally normal for adolescents, too. It’s how their brains develop. Obviously it doesn’t make it okay, but I think it’s important to know.

+1. Lisa Damour agrees with my go-to which “let’s try that again.”

You have to keep it very simple and not get tangled up in their (or your) emotions.

PP you’re quoting - yeah, we do a lot of that, too, or some other phrasing. “Would you like to rephrase that?” Etc.

[Anonymous]

Try to redirect her frustration and get her to focus on solving whatever problem she has. Empathize with whatever it is prohibiting her from doing what she wants to do, but then maybe layout options, solutions, compromises, choices she has. Model and communicate your behavioral expectations as clearly and kindly as possible.