How to handle when teen DD makes snippy comments out of the blue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol is this your first teen

I’m not the OP, but my first teen is the nicest kid in the world. Would never, ever say anything mean or disrespectful to her parents. I foolishly thought her little brother would be the same—and he was for a bit—but he’s recently turned snippy and mean out of nowhere. I know it’s developmentally appropriate, but it’s still hard to adjust. Kids are different.

[Anonymous]

My standard reply became "Try that again".

Being intentionally rude, ignorant, whatever meant I was no longer inclined to do things like provide transportation, pay for anything non-essential, or go out of my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to redirect her frustration and get her to focus on solving whatever problem she has. Empathize with whatever it is prohibiting her from doing what she wants to do, but then maybe layout options, solutions, compromises, choices she has. Model and communicate your behavioral expectations as clearly and kindly as possible.

So cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to redirect her frustration and get her to focus on solving whatever problem she has. Empathize with whatever it is prohibiting her from doing what she wants to do, but then maybe layout options, solutions, compromises, choices she has. Model and communicate your behavioral expectations as clearly and kindly as possible.

So cute.

And gag worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would be enjoying a nice dinner at home or a nice walk when DD 15 would suddenly make the snippiest, most hostile comment, always directed at me. Almost always out of the blue, not because she’s not allowed to do anything or anything bad or hurtful or disappointing happened to her. Literally the whole family would be having fun and she would say the most hurtful or disrespectful thing targeted at me. Formerly a sweet kid until around a year ago. I don’t think anything negative is happening in her life. She has a small group of girlfriends, all good kids, who seem very supportive. DD is not big into social media and she’s not being bullied. If I calmly ask what was that, where did that come from, she would launch into me.

I never raise my voice but even just asking “why did you say that? That’s not the nicest thing to say, is it?” would trigger a nuclear war. If I ignore it, it would normalize that this is acceptable. Is this normal and how should I handle?

Laugh at her and move on. She can look in a mirror if she's looking for something to criticize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does the rest of the family react when she does this? Is there another parent? They shouldn't be letting this go if she's being disrespectful.

You're letting her get away with it but she needs to be called out on the behavior. So what if she goes "nuclear"? Then you call her out on that behavior too and give her consequences. Take away the phone or she stays home from a social activity.

This. Who cares if she goes nuclear.

This. Let her go nuclear. She's rude and you're the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yo does this to her brother. I call it every time. She can apologize or leave the rest of the family for a break but she can’t tear her brother down every time he opens his mouth. If she directed it at me, I’d do the same thing.

I also stopped letting her sit for her brother which means her source of income has dried up. If she can shape up, she can sit again.

I’m the PP with the 16yo. Can you give examples of your responses? I struggle with exactly the words to say. I want to get my point across without a long, emotionally-charged lecture.

I literally say “we don’t talk to each other like that in this family, apologize, or leave the room, now. Come back when you can be civil.”

9 out of 10 times she apologizes. Doesn’t stop the behavior yet (this is relatively new for us, the last month or so) but I refuse to just let it slide because I can’t imagine letting my son think it’s ok for anyone to do that to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol is this your first teen

I’m not the OP, but my first teen is the nicest kid in the world. Would never, ever say anything mean or disrespectful to her parents. I foolishly thought her little brother would be the same—and he was for a bit—but he’s recently turned snippy and mean out of nowhere. I know it’s developmentally appropriate, but it’s still hard to adjust. Kids are different.

So true. I have 3 teens and have not had this issue with all of them. Huge range between the 3.

[Anonymous]

I've said stuff like "excuse me?" and give her a look like "cut it out."

I do think teens need to learn the boundaries here - you can't treat people like crap because you feel like it. When it gets frequent, I do threaten to take away privileges. I have also said before "I love you, and I get that you're in a mood, but I also need to role model for you not letting someone treat you disrespectfully. I won't let anyone treat me this way, and I hope you'll not let others treat you this way."

[Anonymous]

Teens are getting smarter and are usually just pointing out our dumb comments