How to handle when teen DD makes snippy comments out of the blue?

[Anonymous]

We would be enjoying a nice dinner at home or a nice walk when DD 15 would suddenly make the snippiest, most hostile comment, always directed at me. Almost always out of the blue, not because she’s not allowed to do anything or anything bad or hurtful or disappointing happened to her. Literally the whole family would be having fun and she would say the most hurtful or disrespectful thing targeted at me. Formerly a sweet kid until around a year ago. I don’t think anything negative is happening in her life. She has a small group of girlfriends, all good kids, who seem very supportive. DD is not big into social media and she’s not being bullied. If I calmly ask what was that, where did that come from, she would launch into me.

I never raise my voice but even just asking “why did you say that? That’s not the nicest thing to say, is it?” would trigger a nuclear war. If I ignore it, it would normalize that this is acceptable. Is this normal and how should I handle?

[Anonymous]

I would make a raspberry noise with my tongue.

No I mean honestly, there’s probably nothing you can do and this will help you miss her less when she goes to college.

At least if she’s sniping, she’s probably not super high.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think what you're doing is fine- point it out then move on (with no nuclear war).

Sorry, in same boat, it's been years, so definitely not overnight.

It helps when your DH chimes in and supports you - so you're not fighting the hard battle alone.

[Anonymous]

How does the rest of the family react when she does this? Is there another parent? They shouldn't be letting this go if she's being disrespectful.

You're letting her get away with it but she needs to be called out on the behavior. So what if she goes "nuclear"? Then you call her out on that behavior too and give her consequences. Take away the phone or she stays home from a social activity.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband say something when she does this around the whole family. This points out it isn’t just you that is offended.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that your husband needs to call her out. When this happens at the dinner table, he can tell her to leave the table. Then he should go talk to her about her behavior. Or any other time this happens when he’s around.

My DH would not tolerate one of our kids being disrespectful like that to me.

[Anonymous]

It’s so developmentally typical, OP, though it hurts. It’s almost surprising it took her until 15 for things like this to happen.

Lisa Damour advises telling kids they can be friendly, polite, or ask for space. This might be the latter. You can definitely call it out (“ouch” “not okay”) and having your husband say something is a great idea. And I agree that you can’t stay quiet for risk of her going off on you, because that’s developmentally normal for adolescents, too. It’s how their brains develop. Obviously it doesn’t make it okay, but I think it’s important to know.

[Anonymous]

Acquaint her with applications to become a member of the US Armed Services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Acquaint her with applications to become a member of the US Armed Services.

Or customs agent sounds perfect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does the rest of the family react when she does this? Is there another parent? They shouldn't be letting this go if she's being disrespectful.

You're letting her get away with it but she needs to be called out on the behavior. So what if she goes "nuclear"? Then you call her out on that behavior too and give her consequences. Take away the phone or she stays home from a social activity.

This. Who cares if she goes nuclear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PPs that your husband needs to call her out. When this happens at the dinner table, he can tell her to leave the table. Then he should go talk to her about her behavior. Or any other time this happens when he’s around.

My DH would not tolerate one of our kids being disrespectful like that to me.

This. It is the attitude of disrespect that you need to nip. If you don’t, it will morph into more disrespect to not just you but to the rest of the family.

We let it slide for a little bit and it was nearly getting out of hand. We finally put our foot down before they could be independent (eg, have a summer job that pays well enough for them to snub you) else have even more disrespect.

[Anonymous]

First, it’s developmentally normal. So dot. Let it get you down.

Second, it’s important to call it out. I used to say “I don’t think I deserved that” or “that’s not ok”. But then drop it and move on.

Third, it’s ok for a DH or someone else to intervene sometimes but it really is your job to model that you will not be treated disrespectfully. Among other things, it shows her how to politely and unemotionally stand up for herself.

It’s totally normal, OP, but also has to be called out.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them that not all thoughts have to be shared. And if they need help deciphering when and when not to share a thought, ask themselves if the thought would help or harm the situation.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy and he occasionally gets like this with both of us. If it’s directed at his dad I say “you can’t speak to my husband like that” if it’s to me either dad will intervene or I say “sound like you need a break, you can leave”
Both have been effective, either he leaves or apologizes. Sometimes I think something takes over and he doesn’t realize he’s being mean.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes call “Unnecessary meanness fouls” in my house. I don’t have a weighted yellow hankie, but if you do, you can toss one on the ground and then move on.