Picky eating child

[Anonymous]

What does she eat?

[Anonymous]

I think what you do depends a lot on her weight and growth curve. If her percentiles are remaining consistent, maybe she won’t starve herself. But it isn’t true that all kids will eat when they get hungry enough to

[Anonymous]

For my extremely picky kid, we planned a menu in advance. The ground rules:
- no repeats for the week
- every meal includes protein
- breakfast includes a fruit, lunch/dinner includes fruit and vegetable

Obviously, you can adjust the ground rules to fit your needs.

Moving the discussion away from mealtimes and giving DC choices within a framework was very helpful in reducing stress around meals.

DC is now a high schooler with an autism diagnosis. We’re trying to expand their palate a bit before college. Things got easier once they could prepare their own meals.

[Anonymous]

We do the “as many bites as you are old” rule (3 year old tries 3 bites), and one “safe” food that they reliably eat. So if dinner is pasta, they try 3 bites. But there’s also blueberries (favorite food) and a roll (super favorite food).

Yep, this means that dinner was often 3 bites of pasta, a handful of blueberries, and a roll. But we did find that some foods became foods they would reliably eat after like 10-20 meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do the “as many bites as you are old” rule (3 year old tries 3 bites), and one “safe” food that they reliably eat. So if dinner is pasta, they try 3 bites. But there’s also blueberries (favorite food) and a roll (super favorite food).

Yep, this means that dinner was often 3 bites of pasta, a handful of blueberries, and a roll. But we did find that some foods became foods they would reliably eat after like 10-20 meals.

How do you enforce it. Do they have to continue to sit at the table until they have consumed 3 bites of each item? Do they lose a privilege? Just wondering because my #2 would never have done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you sit down and eat as a family? That helps my picky eater a great deal. I will make a meal I know he will eat - generally pasta - and add broccoli or peas or another vegetable on the side. He won't eat it right away but seeing the rest of the family eat it he usually gives a try.

It's a lot easier to give in to pickiness and short order chef and have your kids eat totally different food but this doesn't help. My sister does this for her kids and after we go on vacations together where we do it too, it takes weeks to get my kids eating veggies again.

I’m sorry but what you describe with your kid is not picky eating. Not the way both my kids are or OPs kid probably is. My kids will never, not once, deign to try a food on their plate that the rest of the family is eating happily, even if that food is on their plate three times a week for 5 years.

OP to answer your question, I serve meals family style and make sure there is something (plain rice, plain pasta, certain raw veggies, etc in my case) so that if we are eating burrito bowls, one will have rice and bell pepper and the other will have tortilla chips and bell pepper. Then they usually make themselves a PB sandwich later. I can’t bring myself to care anymore at this point. They won’t even eat pizza. One of them, age 8, has never even tried it, despite it being offered at every birthday party , every play date at dinner time, and seeing all his friends exclaim “Yes!!!!! A pizza party!!!!!!” when it’s pizza night. He licked a slice once when I basically forced him to at age 5 but that was it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do the “as many bites as you are old” rule (3 year old tries 3 bites), and one “safe” food that they reliably eat. So if dinner is pasta, they try 3 bites. But there’s also blueberries (favorite food) and a roll (super favorite food).

Yep, this means that dinner was often 3 bites of pasta, a handful of blueberries, and a roll. But we did find that some foods became foods they would reliably eat after like 10-20 meals.

How do you enforce it. Do they have to continue to sit at the table until they have consumed 3 bites of each item? Do they lose a privilege? Just wondering because my #2 would never have done it.

I have this same question. One of my children, after 10min of sobbing, will take a bite if forced. Been that way since he was a toddler, and is now 8. And he will usually gag on the forced bite. I used to do this every meal when he was a toddler but after 6 months of agony, and him NEVER eating the food voluntarily at a later date despite 20 forced bites of it over the month, I stopped. I have another child who would literally never do it. They’d sit at the table all night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what you do depends a lot on her weight and growth curve. If her percentiles are remaining consistent, maybe she won’t starve herself. But it isn’t true that all kids will eat when they get hungry enough to

This. I hate this argument from parents who think they have picky eaters. They have no idea what an actual picky eater is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you sit down and eat as a family? That helps my picky eater a great deal. I will make a meal I know he will eat - generally pasta - and add broccoli or peas or another vegetable on the side. He won't eat it right away but seeing the rest of the family eat it he usually gives a try.

It's a lot easier to give in to pickiness and short order chef and have your kids eat totally different food but this doesn't help. My sister does this for her kids and after we go on vacations together where we do it too, it takes weeks to get my kids eating veggies again.

I’m sorry but what you describe with your kid is not picky eating. Not the way both my kids are or OPs kid probably is. My kids will never, not once, deign to try a food on their plate that the rest of the family is eating happily, even if that food is on their plate three times a week for 5 years.

OP to answer your question, I serve meals family style and make sure there is something (plain rice, plain pasta, certain raw veggies, etc in my case) so that if we are eating burrito bowls, one will have rice and bell pepper and the other will have tortilla chips and bell pepper. Then they usually make themselves a PB sandwich later. I can’t bring myself to care anymore at this point. They won’t even eat pizza. One of them, age 8, has never even tried it, despite it being offered at every birthday party , every play date at dinner time, and seeing all his friends exclaim “Yes!!!!! A pizza party!!!!!!” when it’s pizza night. He licked a slice once when I basically forced him to at age 5 but that was it.

There’s a wide range of what is considered picky and it’s very subjective. My kids had a few years where they turned down a LOT of foods, but probably would have eaten more than your pizza eater. I do think that some parents give up too quickly and cave in because they’re not willing to be consistent. Not saying that’s you or even op, I’m basing this on real people I know who frequently announces in front of their kid how picky he/she is instead of adopting a growth mindset.
I believe the healthy food endeavor is worth the effort for short and long term health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you sit down and eat as a family? That helps my picky eater a great deal. I will make a meal I know he will eat - generally pasta - and add broccoli or peas or another vegetable on the side. He won't eat it right away but seeing the rest of the family eat it he usually gives a try.

It's a lot easier to give in to pickiness and short order chef and have your kids eat totally different food but this doesn't help. My sister does this for her kids and after we go on vacations together where we do it too, it takes weeks to get my kids eating veggies again.

I’m sorry but what you describe with your kid is not picky eating. Not the way both my kids are or OPs kid probably is. My kids will never, not once, deign to try a food on their plate that the rest of the family is eating happily, even if that food is on their plate three times a week for 5 years.

OP to answer your question, I serve meals family style and make sure there is something (plain rice, plain pasta, certain raw veggies, etc in my case) so that if we are eating burrito bowls, one will have rice and bell pepper and the other will have tortilla chips and bell pepper. Then they usually make themselves a PB sandwich later. I can’t bring myself to care anymore at this point. They won’t even eat pizza. One of them, age 8, has never even tried it, despite it being offered at every birthday party , every play date at dinner time, and seeing all his friends exclaim “Yes!!!!! A pizza party!!!!!!” when it’s pizza night. He licked a slice once when I basically forced him to at age 5 but that was it.

There’s a wide range of what is considered picky and it’s very subjective. My kids had a few years where they turned down a LOT of foods, but probably would have eaten more than your pizza eater. I do think that some parents give up too quickly and cave in because they’re not willing to be consistent. Not saying that’s you or even op, I’m basing this on real people I know who frequently announces in front of their kid how picky he/she is instead of adopting a growth mindset.
I believe the healthy food endeavor is worth the effort for short and long term health.

PP quoted here who suggested sitting down to eat as a family. I know a number of people who lament their picky eaters but don't actually work through the issue. And I get that, it is hard and frustrating and often takes place at a time of day (dinner) where everyone is tired. My picky kid is autistic and I am very familiar with picking my battles. I still maintain that making kid-specific meals is a big part of that problem. Most kids would choose chicken nuggets and plain pasta over other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to introduce new foods up to 11 times, then it will be accepted. Avoid pancakes and bacon. She won’t starve, she will eat. Have her choose veg at the store, choose a recipe for the family and prepare it with you.

These posts always make me chuckle. Look Billy we are having broccoli. I hope you have forgotten the other 10 tries and are willing to try it again. Does any kid every go for this??

We didn't force the kids to eat but always served a variety and ate meals together. So, no they didn't try it 10 times, but after many years of it being on the table they did finally try it. They reached a point where they wanted to be able to eat a wider variety of foods and were willing to work on it. But as young children-early elementary the visceral disgust with food taste/texture was not something you can force them to just get over. And fighting about it, making it a power struggle, is just going to perpetuate the issue.

Making a separate meal is not a good approach but serving a variety of foods including something that's not challenging and just not making a big deal about it will give the kids space to grow and confront foods in a way that they are ready for. It's what worked for us and is a pretty standard recommendation. You have to stick with it for the long term and not expect a quick fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is an in between. I would always include something she will eat and hope for the best for the rest. I do not think you can force a kid to eat and I do not think meals should be a battle time.

This. You keep at it offering foods you know she'll eat and also foods she is resistant to (but you don't make her eat them -- I often view it as a victory that my child will accept a meal with foods she doesn't like on the table or on her plate because it at least acclimates her to seeing and smelling them). Exposure counts for a kid like this. We also talk to ours about how part of our goal is to make it easier for her to eat at a friend's house or at a restaurant. She can decline food at those places but she needs safe foods so she doesn't starve (even if it's just bread and butter) and she needs to be able to function around the sight and smell of foods she doesn't like or otherwise she can't eat in public or in anyone else's home. She understands this at least and that makes her more amenable to rules like having to eat at the table with us even if she isn't eating the same food, and being willing to accept small servings of foods she doesn't like even if she is not expected to eat them.

I just want to validate how stressful it is to have a kid like this, though, and how draining. And how advice like your mom's to just "force" your kid to eat food she does not want to eat is incredibly unhelpful and just makes you feel like you are failing when you are actually working harder than most parents with non-picky eaters with providing your child with healthy, balanced meals.

People who don't have kids like this just don't get it. Sometimes I'll say something like "so your suggestion is that I what? Hold her mouth open while my DH shoves food in it and we force her to chew and swallow? Is that your actual advice?" People shut up when you explain this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do the “as many bites as you are old” rule (3 year old tries 3 bites), and one “safe” food that they reliably eat. So if dinner is pasta, they try 3 bites. But there’s also blueberries (favorite food) and a roll (super favorite food).

Yep, this means that dinner was often 3 bites of pasta, a handful of blueberries, and a roll. But we did find that some foods became foods they would reliably eat after like 10-20 meals.

How do you enforce it. Do they have to continue to sit at the table until they have consumed 3 bites of each item? Do they lose a privilege? Just wondering because my #2 would never have done it.

I have this same question. One of my children, after 10min of sobbing, will take a bite if forced. Been that way since he was a toddler, and is now 8. And he will usually gag on the forced bite. I used to do this every meal when he was a toddler but after 6 months of agony, and him NEVER eating the food voluntarily at a later date despite 20 forced bites of it over the month, I stopped. I have another child who would literally never do it. They’d sit at the table all night.

I have never taken this approach. I think it works for kids who are not particularly picky but just have a control phase when they so no to many foods but really do not care. I never wanted dinner to be a battler. #2 would not eat many foods the family ate. I did not cater to her (like what would you like sweety I can make you anything) but if she wanted cottage cheese or yesterdays leftovers, it was fine. #2 is a young adult now. She is a wider (but not wide) varieties of food. She had told me how grateful she is that I did not force her to put food in her mouth that she could not handle. She was always afraid of gagging and still is a bit. She said that a no thank you bite rule would have made things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you sit down and eat as a family? That helps my picky eater a great deal. I will make a meal I know he will eat - generally pasta - and add broccoli or peas or another vegetable on the side. He won't eat it right away but seeing the rest of the family eat it he usually gives a try.

It's a lot easier to give in to pickiness and short order chef and have your kids eat totally different food but this doesn't help. My sister does this for her kids and after we go on vacations together where we do it too, it takes weeks to get my kids eating veggies again.

I’m sorry but what you describe with your kid is not picky eating. Not the way both my kids are or OPs kid probably is. My kids will never, not once, deign to try a food on their plate that the rest of the family is eating happily, even if that food is on their plate three times a week for 5 years.

OP to answer your question, I serve meals family style and make sure there is something (plain rice, plain pasta, certain raw veggies, etc in my case) so that if we are eating burrito bowls, one will have rice and bell pepper and the other will have tortilla chips and bell pepper. Then they usually make themselves a PB sandwich later. I can’t bring myself to care anymore at this point. They won’t even eat pizza. One of them, age 8, has never even tried it, despite it being offered at every birthday party , every play date at dinner time, and seeing all his friends exclaim “Yes!!!!! A pizza party!!!!!!” when it’s pizza night. He licked a slice once when I basically forced him to at age 5 but that was it.

There’s a wide range of what is considered picky and it’s very subjective. My kids had a few years where they turned down a LOT of foods, but probably would have eaten more than your pizza eater. I do think that some parents give up too quickly and cave in because they’re not willing to be consistent. Not saying that’s you or even op, I’m basing this on real people I know who frequently announces in front of their kid how picky he/she is instead of adopting a growth mindset.
I believe the healthy food endeavor is worth the effort for short and long term health.

I want to step in and defend the people who "announce" their kid is picky in front of their kid and don't have what you consider a "growth mindset."

It doesn't sound like you ever had a true picky eater. This is a kid who turns down almost all foods, not just a lot of foods you'd like them to eat. My kid has ARFID and only eats about 12 foods.

When I "announce" that she's a picky eater, it is because we are in a setting where someone else is trying to encourage her to eat a food I know she won't eat and I want to short-circuit this behavior. Or occasionally it's said to spare feelings of people who are obviously offended (or mad) that our kid won't eat a food that they think everyone eats. Like the PP, our kid won't eat pizza. Also won't eat: spaghetti, chicken nuggets, grilled cheese.

We have a growth mindset about her eating but we are operating on a level you cannot even fathom in terms of what growth looks like. To you, growth is a kid being willing to taste a bite of broccoli after refusing it for a year. Great, I'm happy for you. For me it's my kid adding a 13th food to her list of acceptable foods even if that food is French fries because as a practical matter even adding an unhealthy food to the list of allowed foods can help her become a more functional person in society (eating French fries means she can order off the menu at a lot of restaurants and get actual calories at that meal).

If you've never had an extreme picky eater, it's easy to judge how parents handle it because you misunderstand the mountain they are climbing. I once had a parent chide me for sending the same (healthy, acceptable) meal with my child to lunch every day because, after all, "if you want to combat pickiness, you need to incorporate variety." She didn't get that for my kid, finding a type of yogurt she will eat daily, when she won't eat meat and I can't send nuts or nut butters and most other protein sources she will eat don't pack well, is a massive victory. We work on variety at home where we can control other variables. I just want my kid to eat lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what you do depends a lot on her weight and growth curve. If her percentiles are remaining consistent, maybe she won’t starve herself. But it isn’t true that all kids will eat when they get hungry enough to

This. I hate this argument from parents who think they have picky eaters. They have no idea what an actual picky eater is.

Seconded. If you've never watched your child tearfully attempt to put served food in their mouth while gagging, then crying quietly and saying "never mind, I'm not hungry," then might I suggest that you don't have the experience or knowledge to contribute meaningfully to this conversation.