Talk to my friend, or stay out of it?

[Anonymous]

Not your problem. They're clearly aware of their dysfunction but don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should not be breeding.

OP here. Ugh, this is my exact thought but I don’t know if I blow up the relationship politely pointing this out!

What? Why would you pointing it out blow up their relationship and if it did why is that your responsibility? Honestly just MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of your business. Do not say a word. It actually makes sense to me. I am divorced. I won't blend families but if I did, I can see how this would work to not have resentment build. They are right: only their own kids are their responsibility. They also may be trying to avoid scenarios that broke up their first marriages. If they have a kid together, that kid will be their joint responsibility. Also, you don't know if the other parent of each kid is involved. If so, this makes even more sense. The other parent of that child should be the person dealing with these issues, not her boyfriend. In fact, the other parent may have right of first refusal and having the boyfriend step in messes that up.

I disagree with most people on this board on this.

All of this.

Don’t restate the obvious, OP. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your place to lecture her, or somehow make her feel inferior in wisdom. But you can ask leading questions and voice your concerns in a very loving and respectful manner. This is what my older best friend does with me - she's a born diplomat.

For example, I would ask whether having a child in common will now mean that they will share childcare duties all together. And express relief that this might be so.

I entirely understand that they started out blending their family with a separation of parental duties in mind. They must have been afraid of dumping more childcare on one parent more than the other. Now things will have to change with a baby in common, and maybe that's exactly what they want, and it is their first deliberate stop towards sharing more responsibility.

So don't go in thinking their current plan is crappy, or that they don't know what they're getting into. Start a conversation from a place of respect.

NP. This is good advice but then PP, you are too kind when you say that this couple "started out blending their families with a separation of parental duties in mind" and that they had some worry about "dumping more childcare on one parent than on the other." That gives this couple huge, huge credit for thoughtfulness that they might not have at all. If they both think and speak in terms of "not my responsibility" like OP says -- that is not at all a variation on "We so caring for each other that we don't want to burden each other with child care" or whatever. It's pure "I want you, but don't really care for your kids in my life unless necessary." These are not people who should have yet another child. The woman in the couple had a baby just two years ago with someone else. I suspect they--maybe just she--are trying to cement the relationship by having a baby together to keep the guy around for good. Which is always a horrible idea.

To the OP, the top paragraph above is spot on. Don't state an opinion, ask her questions. "So if you're planning another baby, have you and Bob started looking after all the kids...?"

The crap about missing an event due to a serious live-in bf/gf simply acting as if your kid(s) don't exist to them -- that's BS, and frankly, will break them up eventually. I pity their existing kids, who are too young to see it now, but who eventually will figure out they're not liked by their parents' partners at all.

[Anonymous]

"wow! How will you figure out the child care thing? Once you share one, will you help each other with child care?"

I'd be asking out of nosiness though as I don't think this person actually wants help or wants to think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"wow! How will you figure out the child care thing? Once you share one, will you help each other with child care?"

I'd be asking out of nosiness though as I don't think this person actually wants help or wants to think about it.

It's none of your business how they will figure out childcare. It doesn't sound like they are asking OP for help with any of their children, so it's NONE of her business how they choose to take care of their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"wow! How will you figure out the child care thing? Once you share one, will you help each other with child care?"

I'd be asking out of nosiness though as I don't think this person actually wants help or wants to think about it.

It's none of your business how they will figure out childcare. It doesn't sound like they are asking OP for help with any of their children, so it's NONE of her business how they choose to take care of their children.

DP, not the PP to whom you're referring but: DCUM is so hypocritical. On subjects like this, we get the "MYOB!" comments. Then we get posts from people lamenting how they ended up in crappy marriages with parenting issues and they say: "I wish someone had spoken up to me at the time!" So which is it? A real friend speaks up and at least asks some questions to help the person think things through? Or a real friend must stay clammed up and pretend they don't see a train wreck coming?

The OP's friend and her boyfriend are not, as some here keep saying "blending families," if they do as OP describes and refuse to care for each others' children, ever period. How is that "blending"?

It'll be interesting the first time there's an actual emergency for either of these people and they turn and ask the other to watch the kids because they need to go somewhere immediately, where they cannot take children with them, and they don't have any time to round up the other parent to appear by magic.

[Anonymous]

As a general proposition the only time you should consider intervening in someone else's relationship is when you have some kind of specific highly relevant information that one of the participants does not (e.g. iron clad proof of an affair) and even then it's iffy. They are both aware of their child rearing situation and are making this decision. It may be a stupid one and they'll flail or they may adjust successfully. Not your show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is living with her boyfriend in a house they own together. She has a 2yo, he has twin 5yos. I just found out that they are trying for a baby. Here’s the thing: neither will help with childcare for the other. Example: He is stuck at work and needs someone to watch his 5yos. He scrambles to find someone even though she is home, claiming “it’s not her responsibility”, and vice versa. She recently had to skip something because she had to skip and event because she had no one to watch her 2yo. Her reasoning was that “it’s not his responsibility.”

But my question is, there’s no way this will work out in the long term, right? Let’s say they have this baby. What happens when someone is held over at work? The parent will watch their shared child, but they’ll have to find someone else to watch the other child(ren)? They have no plans for marriage, as of right now.

I’m just wondering if I should have a talk with my friend before she makes a huge mistake.

Correct. And I shudder to think of the damage already done to the kids.

But talking to her will go nowhere. So I’d just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"wow! How will you figure out the child care thing? Once you share one, will you help each other with child care?"

I'd be asking out of nosiness though as I don't think this person actually wants help or wants to think about it.

It's none of your business how they will figure out childcare. It doesn't sound like they are asking OP for help with any of their children, so it's NONE of her business how they choose to take care of their children.

DP, not the PP to whom you're referring but: DCUM is so hypocritical. On subjects like this, we get the "MYOB!" comments. Then we get posts from people lamenting how they ended up in crappy marriages with parenting issues and they say: "I wish someone had spoken up to me at the time!" So which is it? A real friend speaks up and at least asks some questions to help the person think things through? Or a real friend must stay clammed up and pretend they don't see a train wreck coming?

The OP's friend and her boyfriend are not, as some here keep saying "blending families," if they do as OP describes and refuse to care for each others' children, ever period. How is that "blending"?

It'll be interesting the first time there's an actual emergency for either of these people and they turn and ask the other to watch the kids because they need to go somewhere immediately, where they cannot take children with them, and they don't have any time to round up the other parent to appear by magic.

I've been on DCUM for 15 years and never once saw a post when someone said a friend should have intervened and warned them about not marrying their spouse. Stop making shit up to justify being a busybody. It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It's none of your business how they blend their families. Worry about your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s so messed up

+1 It won't last and then there is one more messed up kid out there.

[Anonymous]

While you have valid points on things - OP - it is best if you only offer your friend advice if she asks you directly for it.

Otherwise you may end up losing her friendship since this topic may be very personal + close to her heart ♥️.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"wow! How will you figure out the child care thing? Once you share one, will you help each other with child care?"

I'd be asking out of nosiness though as I don't think this person actually wants help or wants to think about it.

It's none of your business how they will figure out childcare. It doesn't sound like they are asking OP for help with any of their children, so it's NONE of her business how they choose to take care of their children.

DP, not the PP to whom you're referring but: DCUM is so hypocritical. On subjects like this, we get the "MYOB!" comments. Then we get posts from people lamenting how they ended up in crappy marriages with parenting issues and they say: "I wish someone had spoken up to me at the time!" So which is it? A real friend speaks up and at least asks some questions to help the person think things through? Or a real friend must stay clammed up and pretend they don't see a train wreck coming?

The OP's friend and her boyfriend are not, as some here keep saying "blending families," if they do as OP describes and refuse to care for each others' children, ever period. How is that "blending"?

+1

It'll be interesting the first time there's an actual emergency for either of these people and they turn and ask the other to watch the kids because they need to go somewhere immediately, where they cannot take children with them, and they don't have any time to round up the other parent to appear by magic.

I've been on DCUM for 15 years and never once saw a post when someone said a friend should have intervened and warned them about not marrying their spouse. Stop making shit up to justify being a busybody. It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It's none of your business how they blend their families. Worry about your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"wow! How will you figure out the child care thing? Once you share one, will you help each other with child care?"

I'd be asking out of nosiness though as I don't think this person actually wants help or wants to think about it.

It's none of your business how they will figure out childcare. It doesn't sound like they are asking OP for help with any of their children, so it's NONE of her business how they choose to take care of their children.

DP, not the PP to whom you're referring but: DCUM is so hypocritical. On subjects like this, we get the "MYOB!" comments. Then we get posts from people lamenting how they ended up in crappy marriages with parenting issues and they say: "I wish someone had spoken up to me at the time!" So which is it? A real friend speaks up and at least asks some questions to help the person think things through? Or a real friend must stay clammed up and pretend they don't see a train wreck coming?

The OP's friend and her boyfriend are not, as some here keep saying "blending families," if they do as OP describes and refuse to care for each others' children, ever period. How is that "blending"?

It'll be interesting the first time there's an actual emergency for either of these people and they turn and ask the other to watch the kids because they need to go somewhere immediately, where they cannot take children with them, and they don't have any time to round up the other parent to appear by magic.

I've been on DCUM for 15 years and never once saw a post when someone said a friend should have intervened and warned them about not marrying their spouse. Stop making shit up to justify being a busybody. It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It's none of your business how they blend their families. Worry about your own family.

So in your 15 years you never once read a single comment where someone talked about how they wished they'd had a heads-up from friends who later (after a relationship blew up) told them they'd noticed red flags but said nothing? I've read plenty of those kinds of comments. Just because you didn't click every thread ever does not mean such posts dint exist. Your experience is not a universal truth.

You sure are angry and sore about...something. When a commenter here devolves into "Worry about your own family" talk, well, it smells of projection.