Talk to my friend, or stay out of it?
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Anonymous
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My friend is living with her boyfriend in a house they own together. She has a 2yo, he has twin 5yos. I just found out that they are trying for a baby. Here’s the thing: neither will help with childcare for the other. Example: He is stuck at work and needs someone to watch his 5yos. He scrambles to find someone even though she is home, claiming “it’s not her responsibility”, and vice versa. She recently had to skip something because she had to skip and event because she had no one to watch her 2yo. Her reasoning was that “it’s not his responsibility.”
But my question is, there’s no way this will work out in the long term, right? Let’s say they have this baby. What happens when someone is held over at work? The parent will watch their shared child, but they’ll have to find someone else to watch the other child(ren)? They have no plans for marriage, as of right now. I’m just wondering if I should have a talk with my friend before she makes a huge mistake. |
Anonymous
| Just ask questions instead of making statements. |
Anonymous
| They should not be breeding. |
Anonymous
OP here. Ugh, this is my exact thought but I don’t know if I blow up the relationship politely pointing this out! |
Anonymous
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It's not your place to lecture her, or somehow make her feel inferior in wisdom. But you can ask leading questions and voice your concerns in a very loving and respectful manner. This is what my older best friend does with me - she's a born diplomat.
For example, I would ask whether having a child in common will now mean that they will share childcare duties all together. And express relief that this might be so. I entirely understand that they started out blending their family with a separation of parental duties in mind. They must have been afraid of dumping more childcare on one parent more than the other. Now things will have to change with a baby in common, and maybe that's exactly what they want, and it is their first deliberate stop towards sharing more responsibility. So don't go in thinking their current plan is crappy, or that they don't know what they're getting into. Start a conversation from a place of respect. |
Anonymous
| That’s so messed up |
Anonymous
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You shouldn’t ask anything.
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Anonymous
What part? |
Anonymous
| She sounds really, really stupid. I’m sure she will be pregnant soon. No, you shouldn’t tell her it will never work out. Just comfort her when it doesn’t. |
Anonymous
| The answers are right in their faces. Let them figure it out. That’s why they both came with priors as it is. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, it just sounds like an immature relationship. They would each need to do a lot of growing up emotionally to be actual adult partners. But a word of warning--if you talk to her in a remotely confrontational way, she will probably get defensive and choose him. |
Anonymous
| You absolutely say something- I don't understand why people would say stay out of it? Isn't this the point of having friendships, those that look out for you? A friend means they're going to call you out or point out things that may be uncomfortable because they love you and want the best for you. I can think of things in my life where my friends in the past had an opinion and didn't share with me until after the fact. I want my friends to be there for me, it's up to me whether I listen or not. |
Anonymous
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None of your business. Do not say a word. It actually makes sense to me. I am divorced. I won't blend families but if I did, I can see how this would work to not have resentment build. They are right: only their own kids are their responsibility. They also may be trying to avoid scenarios that broke up their first marriages. If they have a kid together, that kid will be their joint responsibility. Also, you don't know if the other parent of each kid is involved. If so, this makes even more sense. The other parent of that child should be the person dealing with these issues, not her boyfriend. In fact, the other parent may have right of first refusal and having the boyfriend step in messes that up.
I disagree with most people on this board on this. |
Anonymous
| This is the definition of none of your business. Stay out of it. |
Anonymous
| Ugh. What a mess. STAY OUT OF IT. |