Daughter’s new boyfriend and family drama

[Anonymous]

Funny that you talk about older daughter creating drama when it's you! Right, try pushing what you want over the host's wishes. Get a grip. You have no say in who your older daughter invites to her house. You can invite anyone you like to your own house.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned that younger daughter won’t go. I am so happy that our families are so much more inclusive. I agree with others that BF should be invited. Introducing him to the family shows it is much red than a passing fancy.

As for what I’d do would depend on your family’s holiday traditions. If older daughter always hosts, I’d say my piece about her being wrong and then shut up. If hosting is a rotating duty, I may offer to host because she’s clearly not up to the task of being a good host to her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned that younger daughter won’t go. I am so happy that our families are so much more inclusive. I agree with others that BF should be invited. Introducing him to the family shows it is much red than a passing fancy.

As for what I’d do would depend on your family’s holiday traditions. If older daughter always hosts, I’d say my piece about her being wrong and then shut up. If hosting is a rotating duty, I may offer to host because she’s clearly not up to the task of being a good host to her sister.

I agree with the above. I would want all my family together and if younger daughter wants to bring her newest boyfriend, so be it. I would offer to host at my own home.

Family is family to be accepted warts and all unless there is some kind of pathological/safety reason for them to not be there.

It’s good for kids to be exposed to decent people who don’t look exactly like them. I would be concerned the older daughter sounds intolerant— would she exclude based on race ?

[Anonymous]

I kind of get it. Regardless of the guy's looks, it sucks having someone make bad romantic choices over and over again, and having a new "someone" at every family occasion because of it. If you hosted, would older dd come if the guy came?

[Anonymous]

Since it's been a year of dating I think she should host him. But it is tiresome and stressful to watch a family member make bad decisions and be constantly expected to roll out the welcome wagon.

This time of year is stressful for parents and hosting is a lot of work too. The older sister is probably just trying to limit her holiday workload and avoid the stress of hosting someone she doesn't know well. Having a man you don't know well around small children requires more supervision. It's not about his appearance. She doesn't want to make the effort if it isn't going to last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest (38f) has been dating this guy for about a year and brought him to a recent family celebration to meet everyone and the extended family. She hasn’t had much luck with men and always goes for “the artist type” and has brought home some pretty unorthodox guys in the past. This current bf is a starving artist type as well and has very extensive tattoos all over his arms/hands/chest and has those big earrings that stretch out his earlobes. But he seems very nice, has a handsome face and she seems happy. Her sister (my other daughter 46f) met him at the party, was fine to him but made a BIG point of saying TO ME that he will not meet her elementary age children until it’s serious (ie, they are engaged) and she will not be inviting them to the holidays at her house or introducing him to the kids before then. I can’t help to think it’s bc of his more alternative looks than anything else (as they run more traditional as a family). Do I force the issue as a parent or stay out of it? I just want some harmony instead of all the drama! I feel especially sensitive towards my younger daughter’s feelings bc she deserves to be happy.

Let sisters figure it out. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest (38f) has been dating this guy for about a year and brought him to a recent family celebration to meet everyone and the extended family. She hasn’t had much luck with men and always goes for “the artist type” and has brought home some pretty unorthodox guys in the past. This current bf is a starving artist type as well and has very extensive tattoos all over his arms/hands/chest and has those big earrings that stretch out his earlobes. But he seems very nice, has a handsome face and she seems happy. Her sister (my other daughter 46f) met him at the party, was fine to him but made a BIG point of saying TO ME that he will not meet her elementary age children until it’s serious (ie, they are engaged) and she will not be inviting them to the holidays at her house or introducing him to the kids before then. I can’t help to think it’s bc of his more alternative looks than anything else (as they run more traditional as a family). Do I force the issue as a parent or stay out of it? I just want some harmony instead of all the drama! I feel especially sensitive towards my younger daughter’s feelings bc she deserves to be happy.

To many, his appearance--as described by OP--is disgusting and likely to frighten children. His tattooed may indicate self-hatred due to his "starving artist" type existence.

[Anonymous]

So what if the older sister is biased against the boyfriend's looks? The other reasons are perfectly valid: that she's tired of hosting random boyfriends that don't pan out, and annoyed that her sister constantly chooses wrong, and doesn't want her kids seeing a rotation of different men come to her house.

Why do you always expect your oldest to be tolerant and perfect and do all the work of hosting, when the sister you want her to host is struggling with basic relationships?

That's not fair to the older sister, OP. And I suspect that you've been holding her to a higher standard all her life, and that you've treated the struggling younger sister more leniently. It's fine to be supportive of your youngest's issues, truly, but not always at the expense of her older sister. The older sister is wise to put her foot down, finally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest (38f) has been dating this guy for about a year and brought him to a recent family celebration to meet everyone and the extended family. She hasn’t had much luck with men and always goes for “the artist type” and has brought home some pretty unorthodox guys in the past. This current bf is a starving artist type as well and has very extensive tattoos all over his arms/hands/chest and has those big earrings that stretch out his earlobes. But he seems very nice, has a handsome face and she seems happy. Her sister (my other daughter 46f) met him at the party, was fine to him but made a BIG point of saying TO ME that he will not meet her elementary age children until it’s serious (ie, they are engaged) and she will not be inviting them to the holidays at her house or introducing him to the kids before then. I can’t help to think it’s bc of his more alternative looks than anything else (as they run more traditional as a family). Do I force the issue as a parent or stay out of it? I just want some harmony instead of all the drama! I feel especially sensitive towards my younger daughter’s feelings bc she deserves to be happy.

To many, his appearance--as described by OP--is disgusting and likely to frighten children. His tattooed may indicate self-hatred due to his "starving artist" type existence.

Oh come on. They are very sheltered if they are frightened by that. The sister refusing to allow him is 46 so I would be interested in knowing the age of her children. As conservative as she is, I doubt she had kids after 35.

[Anonymous]

So kids are traumatized by meeting a new boyfriend of their aunt’s every year? You are all being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Older sister wants to exclude sister because she doesn’t like the look of her boyfriend. Said BF has not said or done anything offensive, she just doesn’t like the way he looks. If these were my ACs I would be making plans with younger and letting older make her choice. I will be straight and say I am not a fan of a lot of tattoos and piercings, etc. And that’s it. I’m not getting any. And I’m not judging anyone that gets them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t get involved, but the older sister is an ass.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't the younger daughter and her new BF host? She's old enough to act like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest (38f) has been dating this guy for about a year and brought him to a recent family celebration to meet everyone and the extended family. She hasn’t had much luck with men and always goes for “the artist type” and has brought home some pretty unorthodox guys in the past. This current bf is a starving artist type as well and has very extensive tattoos all over his arms/hands/chest and has those big earrings that stretch out his earlobes. But he seems very nice, has a handsome face and she seems happy. Her sister (my other daughter 46f) met him at the party, was fine to him but made a BIG point of saying TO ME that he will not meet her elementary age children until it’s serious (ie, they are engaged) and she will not be inviting them to the holidays at her house or introducing him to the kids before then. I can’t help to think it’s bc of his more alternative looks than anything else (as they run more traditional as a family). Do I force the issue as a parent or stay out of it? I just want some harmony instead of all the drama! I feel especially sensitive towards my younger daughter’s feelings bc she deserves to be happy.

To many, his appearance--as described by OP--is disgusting and likely to frighten children. His tattooed may indicate self-hatred due to his "starving artist" type existence.

Only on DCUM are tattoos a symptom of self-hatred. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

You all sound exhausting. I'm happy the bf won't be invited to that mess of a holiday.