Daughter’s new boyfriend and family drama

[Anonymous]

My youngest (38f) has been dating this guy for about a year and brought him to a recent family celebration to meet everyone and the extended family. She hasn’t had much luck with men and always goes for “the artist type” and has brought home some pretty unorthodox guys in the past. This current bf is a starving artist type as well and has very extensive tattoos all over his arms/hands/chest and has those big earrings that stretch out his earlobes. But he seems very nice, has a handsome face and she seems happy. Her sister (my other daughter 46f) met him at the party, was fine to him but made a BIG point of saying TO ME that he will not meet her elementary age children until it’s serious (ie, they are engaged) and she will not be inviting them to the holidays at her house or introducing him to the kids before then. I can’t help to think it’s bc of his more alternative looks than anything else (as they run more traditional as a family). Do I force the issue as a parent or stay out of it? I just want some harmony instead of all the drama! I feel especially sensitive towards my younger daughter’s feelings bc she deserves to be happy.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to wait until they are engaged.

Kids don't care about bf and gf people who come and go.

Your older daughter might be judgey but it doesn't mattter much because she said if they get engaged, her kids can be introduced.

40 year old dudes are unlikely to care about this either.

[Anonymous]

Caring more about your younger daughter's feelings than your older daughter's feelings is exactly the sort of thing that gets posted on DCUM constantly--by the daughter whose mother cares more about the unsuccessful (in whatever capacity) sister.

It is not your place to tell your older daughter who she can have at her house, or who she should introduce to her children.

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Your older daughter is free to make those decisions. Your youngest daughter should respect them and I can't imagine why the boyfriend would care... at all!

You're creating drama where there is none. If your kids are like you, I can understand that you all live a pretty volatile existence.

[Anonymous]

The older daughter is right.

[Anonymous]

I think your older daughter is being ridiculous. She can easily tell her children it’s their aunts boyfriend and if it doesn’t work out, who cares, that’s life. It’s not like she’s having them sleep there in the same bed or whatever she wants to hide from her kids. Seems like she is being petty and spiteful to me. I’m the mother of three girls so not trying to trash daughters. I just don’t get it. Seems like there is more to it than she is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to wait until they are engaged.

Kids don't care about bf and gf people who come and go.

Your older daughter might be judgey but it doesn't mattter much because she said if they get engaged, her kids can be introduced.

40 year old dudes are unlikely to care about this either.

OP here. Part of me thinks older daughter knows younger sister will never commit and so she’ll avoid having to introduce her kids to “a weirdo”. I just think this is terrible!

[Anonymous]

"Deserves to be happy'?

Lots to unpack there, OP. First of all, happiness can be a lot of work sometimes. You need to reframe your thinking, gain perspective, work on your behavior and expectations. Happiness is not handed to you on a platter.

Second, some people just don't do well in relationships. But they can have fulfilling lives nonetheless!

There is no problem with what your oldest said. Why would even fight her about it?! It's not like a man would care. If your youngest is the type to get all offended, then she's the one who needs to work on herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to wait until they are engaged.

Kids don't care about bf and gf people who come and go.

Your older daughter might be judgey but it doesn't mattter much because she said if they get engaged, her kids can be introduced.

40 year old dudes are unlikely to care about this either.

OP here. Part of me thinks older daughter knows younger sister will never commit and so she’ll avoid having to introduce her kids to “a weirdo”. I just think this is terrible!

No, it's wise. I would do the same. Not because of this person's external appearance (especially if he's kind, as you said), but because I don't fancy introducing a rotating cast of my sister's boyfriends to my young children.

[Anonymous]

You said the older sister will not be “inviting them” to the holidays. So does this mean she is hosting your whole family but excluding her younger sister? Or will she be inviting her sister but telling her she cannot bring her boyfriend? Or is this just some pouting about not liking the guy?

FWIW I would not invite an adult sibling to my home and tell them their partner isn’t welcome (regardless of marital status) unless there was something about that person’s character that seemed harmful or the sibling has a tendency to bring quick flings around often. Your older daughter seems very judgy if tattoos and piercings bother her. I am not a fan of tattoos or those ear lobe stretcher things, but I hardly think my kids would be scandalized by this.

Give me a guy with tatted sleeves and piercings galore over some “traditional” seeming Trump supporter.

[Anonymous]

Nope, not ok on the older sister's part. Significant others should be invited to holidays. Now she does not have to allow them, or anyone, to stay at the house. But he should be welcome at dinner.
Sister sounds weird and controlling.
Why dont you host holiday dinner and invite everyone.

[Anonymous]

There is no drama and none of this matters, OP, because none of this should affect your daughter and her boyfriend! They can go celebrate somewhere else. The boyfriend will not care one little bit, unless your daughter is immature enough to make this into a big deal. And if she's that immature, then the boyfriend will peel off naturally in due course anyway...

[Anonymous]

My aunt tried to say I could not bring my boyfriend on a family vacation. I was 32. Have never felt the same about her. It was her house but she wasn't going to be there. My parents liked him and were upset when I told them what happened. We wound up just not going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to wait until they are engaged.

Kids don't care about bf and gf people who come and go.

Your older daughter might be judgey but it doesn't mattter much because she said if they get engaged, her kids can be introduced.

40 year old dudes are unlikely to care about this either.

OP here. Part of me thinks older daughter knows younger sister will never commit and so she’ll avoid having to introduce her kids to “a weirdo”. I just think this is terrible!

I'm the PP. When I was 5 my bio uncle came for Christmas and I was legit scared of him because it was the 70s and he had puffy hair and a big mustache. I thought he looked like the criminals on the nightly news and was scared of him for no reason. It might just be possible that your older daughter just wants to reduce static by only having her kids meet one future mate, once he's about to reach uncle status.

Seems like you can invite everyone to your house, including the grandkids. So you can be the inclusive one and show love and tolerance at Christmastime. It should honestly be enough. Maybe sis will bring her kids in the end. And maybe sis will weaken about visits to her house if this guy makes it to Year 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not ok on the older sister's part. Significant others should be invited to holidays. Now she does not have to allow them, or anyone, to stay at the house. But he should be welcome at dinner.
Sister sounds weird and controlling.
Why dont you host holiday dinner and invite everyone.

You're not wrong, but this is not a hill to die on, in my opinion. If older sister feels this way, it's not really a big deal. Especially if younger sister has the habit of bringing a new man to every Holiday dinner... it gets old real fast.