Sister wants to keep her house and our moms house

[Anonymous]

If there is a mental health issue and you have a close relationship with her sons (ie you have all had to support each other with previous issues she has), I'd run it by them so they can talk sense to her, so that she is including them in decisions if she will later be dependent on them.

But if they aren't interested/are too passive to address it with her/tell you to mind your business or if they verbalize agreement but drop the ball, it's their problem. Sell the home and be glad you won't be the one to have to deal with it in the future.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks, all for your insight on this; it’s really appreciated.

The money/sister selling her share isn’t really the issue at hand. Sister has essentially been living in our Moms house for free for the past three years anyways. I know we’ll eventually get the money for my share, but even if we don’t, DH and I will be fine financially without it.

What the sticking point is for me is the sheer amount of stuff that my sister has in her house. She has a four bedroom house, and three of the bedrooms and the basement are filled with stuff that needs to be donated or trashed. I’m talking about boxes of 20 year old credit card statements, old baby clothes from her sons, old laptops/phones that don’t work…you get the idea. My thinking is that it’s easy for her to keep all this stuff, because she has the space, so if she downsized, it would force her to get rid of some of this stuff. We’ve tried many times over the years to help her get rid of her stuff, but it’s such a big task, that she gets overwhelmed before we can make a dent.

Her sons (one lives locally, one lives a 10 hour drive) would be more than happy for her to sell the house and downsize to somewhere smaller. In fact, the local son went to her house unannounced and started purging stuff that she didn’t need, which she wasn’t too happy about.

[Anonymous]

Can she afford it? Sounds like you need to get an appraisal done.

She wants to keep both so she can fill them with stuff. If she's hoarding chances are by the time she dies both houses will be ruined and not worth anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all for your insight on this; it’s really appreciated.

The money/sister selling her share isn’t really the issue at hand. Sister has essentially been living in our Moms house for free for the past three years anyways. I know we’ll eventually get the money for my share, but even if we don’t, DH and I will be fine financially without it.

What the sticking point is for me is the sheer amount of stuff that my sister has in her house. She has a four bedroom house, and three of the bedrooms and the basement are filled with stuff that needs to be donated or trashed. I’m talking about boxes of 20 year old credit card statements, old baby clothes from her sons, old laptops/phones that don’t work…you get the idea. My thinking is that it’s easy for her to keep all this stuff, because she has the space, so if she downsized, it would force her to get rid of some of this stuff. We’ve tried many times over the years to help her get rid of her stuff, but it’s such a big task, that she gets overwhelmed before we can make a dent.

Her sons (one lives locally, one lives a 10 hour drive) would be more than happy for her to sell the house and downsize to somewhere smaller. In fact, the local son went to her house unannounced and started purging stuff that she didn’t need, which she wasn’t too happy about.

OP-I’m saying this in the kindest possible tone: there was no need for this explanation. Everyone reading your post knows that your sister is a hoarder. We get it.

What you’re not getting is that you cannot control this. You’ve seen multiple post here to move on with the sales transaction. That’s all you can do. Being upset or bothered by her hoarding doesn’t fix it. Being judgmental doesn’t fix it.

Get your money out of your mom’s house and move on. Your sister isn’t going to deal with this until either she’s ready or until Adult Protective Services has to be called in.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding is one of the most difficult disorders to treat. What is scary is that it can progress very quickly to an unimaginable state. Hoarders end up going bankrupt, being evicted, dying in a fire when ems can’t get into the house, dying years earlier due to respiratory or other diseases from bad hygiene. It’s a horrible disease and horrible death.

Previous posters are correct that you can’t just get her to stop with a hint or conversation. You could try finding a family therapist that works with OCD and hoarding disorders. Talk with her adult children. The therapist may be able to guide you or participate in an intervention. She will need to work with a therapist to start addressing that she is a hoarder, get professional help to get rid of her hoard, and stay in therapy to keep it from accumulating again.

[Anonymous]

Start the process of her buying you out. Get an appraisal, tell her how much she will have to pay. Insist on full payment, you are not a mortgage company. Also, get an attorney on board. Your mother died in 2021, this transaction should have been completed a few years ago. A hoarder house loses value as the years go by.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow!

Sell your share a quickly as you can.
Something is going on with your sister.
Separate from her financially before it's too late. Then you can be there for her personally without money clouding the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all for your insight on this; it’s really appreciated.

The money/sister selling her share isn’t really the issue at hand. Sister has essentially been living in our Moms house for free for the past three years anyways. I know we’ll eventually get the money for my share, but even if we don’t, DH and I will be fine financially without it. ...


Her sons (one lives locally, one lives a 10 hour drive) would be more than happy for her to sell the house and downsize to somewhere smaller. In fact, the local son went to her house unannounced and started purging stuff that she didn’t need, which she wasn’t too happy about.

Cut your future losses by selling her your share at FMV In reality you relinquished control of the property . The 3 houses are close together. Close enough the 3 could all be in Rockville through Bethesda. Think in term of where a realtor mght open a lockbox for potential buyers- same afternoon.

If OP has no kids or step kids and has those 2 nephews as contingent beneficiaries on accounts, insurance , etc it's different than if OP has kids. Every dime OP spends on the deceased mom house ...property taxes, insurance, landscaper, roof, hvac, siding, new driveway, etc? Who pays for all that since 2021?

So using the MD City of Rockville tax rates 1,354 that house would be $13,540 is assessed at 1m. Homestead deduction if that exists for the location?

[Anonymous]

Get an attorney and get the buyout done immediately. Hopefully you actually fulfilled your responsibilities as executors of your mom’s estate and actually transferred the house to you both.

We all understand that your problem isn’t the money, but your sisters hoarding. What everyone else is saying is that is not something you can fix. Just remove yourself from the situation.

If the house becomes unsafe and you still own half of it, that will come back to bite you very badly. Focus on removing yourself from the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to be suffering from the guilt of making this your nephew’s problem. After you sell your half of the house, you have multiple options.

You could save the money for yourself and your kids. No judgement. Totally fine.
or
Save the money for her kids. Give it to them when the houses eventually need to be cleaned out.
or
Use the money as a budget for her treatment. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an attorney and get the buyout done immediately. Hopefully you actually fulfilled your responsibilities as executors of your mom’s estate and actually transferred the house to you both.

We all understand that your problem isn’t the money, but your sisters hoarding. What everyone else is saying is that is not something you can fix. Just remove yourself from the situation.

If the house becomes unsafe and you still own half of it, that will come back to bite you very badly. Focus on removing yourself from the situation.

+1 you need to get your share and get out of any responsibility for the situation.

Your sister will certainly ruin both houses with her hoarding. All you can really do is be there to support your nephews when the time comes that she dies or has to be forcibly removed from the home for her health/safety.

[Anonymous]

I would be relieved to sell her my half of the house - sell it to her at fair market price and free yourself of the stress her hoarding gives you
Not your problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all for your insight on this; it’s really appreciated.

The money/sister selling her share isn’t really the issue at hand. Sister has essentially been living in our Moms house for free for the past three years anyways. I know we’ll eventually get the money for my share, but even if we don’t, DH and I will be fine financially without it.

What the sticking point is for me is the sheer amount of stuff that my sister has in her house. She has a four bedroom house, and three of the bedrooms and the basement are filled with stuff that needs to be donated or trashed. I’m talking about boxes of 20 year old credit card statements, old baby clothes from her sons, old laptops/phones that don’t work…you get the idea. My thinking is that it’s easy for her to keep all this stuff, because she has the space, so if she downsized, it would force her to get rid of some of this stuff. We’ve tried many times over the years to help her get rid of her stuff, but it’s such a big task, that she gets overwhelmed before we can make a dent.

Her sons (one lives locally, one lives a 10 hour drive) would be more than happy for her to sell the house and downsize to somewhere smaller. In fact, the local son went to her house unannounced and started purging stuff that she didn’t need, which she wasn’t too happy about.

Her hoarding does not belong to you. You can’t control it, so you have to let it go. You need to focus on what you can do. You can decide to sell your half to her or you can decide to own it jointly with her. Her hoarding is not something you can fix or control. It doesn’t matter how obvious the solution is. It is not yours. It doesn’t matter what her children or you think is better.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding is notoriously difficult to deal with. It's horrible to watch, but you have essentially no power to help her. Get the house sold ASAP. Maybe you use some of the $ you get to help your sister get some treatment. Sadly that may not help at all.

[Anonymous]

As long as she is willing to pay you 50% of fair market value, I don’t see the issue.