Kids spaced 4-4.5 years apart

[Anonymous]

I have 8 yo and 3 yo girls. It was super hard at first. We had forgotten how to do everything for a baby and being much older everything was harder on our bodies. It was also traumatic for my older DD going from only child to having a sister. She was not gentle or kind to the baby.

It’s all working out great now. The girls are very close. The sun rises and sets around my older daughter for the younger, and the older one is sweet and affectionate with her. My younger DD is confident in herself and leagues ahead of other kids her age because of having an older sister to keep up with. The older DD has shed some of her less positive behaviors of an only child from learning to share attention and space with a younger sibling.

They fight like any siblings and play together like any siblings. The difference is the younger one is leveling up to the older one and I think that’s good for her.

[Anonymous]

Mine are 2.5 years apart and my ILs have kids 4.5 years apart. The benefits for them was that the baby stage for the younger kid was much easier because the older kid is more independent. But the downside is that the kids are rarely in the same school at the same time. And now that the cousins are all teens; the younger by almost 5 years cousin is just at a different stage than the older cousins.

But they seem happy!

[Anonymous]

As you probably could guess, I didn't get a ton of choice around spacing my kids - they are 9 and 13/4.5 years apart. So far we have a close and loving family. Each kid is sort of in their own zone but they do love each other very much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are 4.5 years apart. We were not close at all growing up. But we’re close now as adults.

My experience also. We were purposefully spaced so I would be in kindergarten and my mom could focus on the baby. The gap also matched the gap in my parents' 2 kid families of origin.

My two boys are closer in age but 3 years apart in school. I like it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is four plus years younger than I am, and we were five years apart in school. We were close as younger kids, and then the school gap put us into really different life stages; I had a masters degree before my brother was out of high school. The life stage difference has persisted into adulthood for us, and we didn't have the closeness as kids to fall back on. We are also an older sister/younger brother family, and now I have a 20-year-old and teenager, and my brother has toddlers. We both wish we had been closer in age and able to go to the same schools as the same times.

I could have written this - my brother and I have never gotten close, just too much age gap and being girl/boy we’ve literally never had a thing in common even as adults. Maybe had we been the same gender it would have been better but I always remember how annoying it was to go on vacations as a family - everything was a compromise for someone

As a result I had my kids closer together (luckily) and they’re inseparable but it’s definitely a challenge as parents with kids in the same stage at the same time

[Anonymous]

Mine are that spacing (4.5 years apart, 5 grades in school). They are currently in 8th and 3rd. Baby/toddler years were great. Covid not so great. Then now… they have their own interests and certainly fight but will still play together sometimes. Their schedules are very different.

I didn’t choose this spacing (infertility, miscarriage), but this is the family they know, and it works. They are happy, loved kids.

[Anonymous]

Mine son (23) and daughter (almost 19) are 4.5 years apart. Even though it wasn’t what I planned, I couldn’t imagine a better situation.

When the youngest came home from the hospital, our son was already in preK. It meant he had his own schedule during the day, and we could focus on the baby. No juggling two kids all day and night.

We got 4.5 years of undivided attention with each kid, just at different times. Our son got it as a baby/toddler. And our daughter got it as a high schooler since her brother went off to college as she was starting 8th grade. It’s worked out well for our family.

They were and still are close.

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are this spacing and my kids are closer (2.5 years). I think 90 percent of how well it works is based on the personality of the kids. But I think there’s always going to be a limit on how close the kids will be (as kids) when they’re 4.5 years apart, because you’re always at different stages and different schools. My brother was in middle school when I left for college. My brother and I got along well as kids and before my kids, I would have said we grew up really close. But now seeing what that looks like with a 2.5 year age gap, I see how much closer we would’ve likely been had we been more similar ages.

I will also say my parents would tell you the age gap was great and it was wonderful having a more self sufficient kid while the second was a baby. But as the older kid, it led to a lot of initial resentment because the expectation was set really high for me to be self sufficient at 4 or 5. I’ve seen friends handle this age gap much better as parents, because they recognize that a 4/5 year old is still really young and needs attention.

[Anonymous]

My two boys are 5.5 years apart, and I've loved it. They are now 26 and 21. For us the pros have been:

--being able to spend lots of one-on- one time with each kid (DS1 alone until DS2 was born obviously, but also DS1 was in school already when DS2 was a baby/toddler, so DS2 got lots of attention during the day; different bedtimes meant time with DS1 in the evenings; DS2 got focused time in grades 8-12 when DS1 went to college).

--having only one tantrumming toddler/disgruntled teen at a time

--having fewer years when they were both at home and involved in activities and DH and I had to run them around constantly

-- only one college tuition at a time

-- almost no sibling rivalry

-- easing into the empty nest

My boys got along great for the most part and played together more than I would have expected. DS1 adored DS2 from the moment he arrived and generally enjoyed having him around. One DS1 went to college, they grew apart, but now that they are both young adults they've become a bit closer again. They are very different people, so we'll see what adulthood brings, but that would be true no matter what the age gap.

TBH I haven't fet like there were a lot of downsides, I think in part because I chose this spacing, so didn't have any rueful feelings about it. One downside was that it was unusual to find another family with similar spacing, so we didn't "fit" well with other families. And DH and I had to divide and conquer a bit more than other families maybe? But I don't know, we did quite a lot together as a family once DS2 reached age 5 or so.

Two more anecdotes: my closest friend is 4 years older than her sister and they have anyways been the best of friends. My DH is the youngest of 4, spread out over 10 years. As a kid, he was close with his next oldest sibling (3 years older) and barely knew his oldest sibling (10 years older). But now in late middle age, he is closest to his oldest sibling and least close to the one who is 3 years older. So the age gap really doesn't mean much IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is four plus years younger than I am, and we were five years apart in school. We were close as younger kids, and then the school gap put us into really different life stages; I had a masters degree before my brother was out of high school. The life stage difference has persisted into adulthood for us, and we didn't have the closeness as kids to fall back on. We are also an older sister/younger brother family, and now I have a 20-year-old and teenager, and my brother has toddlers. We both wish we had been closer in age and able to go to the same schools as the same times.

I could have written this - my brother and I have never gotten close, just too much age gap and being girl/boy we’ve literally never had a thing in common even as adults. Maybe had we been the same gender it would have been better but I always remember how annoying it was to go on vacations as a family - everything was a compromise for someone

As a result I had my kids closer together (luckily) and they’re inseparable but it’s definitely a challenge as parents with kids in the same stage at the same time

However, having them closer together or closer and also the same sex does not guarantee "closeness". I know people with same sex kids 2 years apart and they don't get along. My 4+ years apart, B/G and totally opposite kids are closer than their 2 year apart Boys.
Basically, there is nothing you can really do to ensure they get along. It's just their personalities and interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I are this spacing and my kids are closer (2.5 years). I think 90 percent of how well it works is based on the personality of the kids. But I think there’s always going to be a limit on how close the kids will be (as kids) when they’re 4.5 years apart, because you’re always at different stages and different schools. My brother was in middle school when I left for college. My brother and I got along well as kids and before my kids, I would have said we grew up really close. But now seeing what that looks like with a 2.5 year age gap, I see how much closer we would’ve likely been had we been more similar ages.

I will also say my parents would tell you the age gap was great and it was wonderful having a more self sufficient kid while the second was a baby. But as the older kid, it led to a lot of initial resentment because the expectation was set really high for me to be self sufficient at 4 or 5. I’ve seen friends handle this age gap much better as parents, because they recognize that a 4/5 year old is still really young and needs attention.

Well it's better than expecting to "be more independent" at age 2 or 3. Which is what happens when a new sibling comes home, no matter what the age. Difference is, a 4/5 yo is definately much more ready to be a bit more independent and helpful in fun ways. Obviously they still need attention. But they are happy to be at preschool several days per week and can entertain themselves for more than 5 mins when you need to attend to the baby.
we found our older was happy to be the "big kid" and independent. Of course, we were not Ignoring them---they still got tons of attention as appropriate, but they understood that the baby sometimes has needs that need to be met now, and a big boy/big girl can wait 5 mins for mom/dad to attend to them. If you present it right, they are so thrilled to be helping and be the Big Boy/Big Girl, they hardly notice. Because developmentally they are ready for it (much more than a 2 yo who is still a baby themselves IMO.

[Anonymous]

We decided to have (and got pregnant with) our second when our first was an adorable young toddler - how can you NOT want another and think you’re such a great parent a second would be SO EASY

What I don’t understand is how people get to the older toddler phase and say - yes let’s do this again… my three year old is a lunatic! We debated a third and spaced further but now after going through this insanity twice, no way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is four plus years younger than I am, and we were five years apart in school. We were close as younger kids, and then the school gap put us into really different life stages; I had a masters degree before my brother was out of high school. The life stage difference has persisted into adulthood for us, and we didn't have the closeness as kids to fall back on. We are also an older sister/younger brother family, and now I have a 20-year-old and teenager, and my brother has toddlers. We both wish we had been closer in age and able to go to the same schools as the same times.

This. My sister is four years younger and we were not that close growing up. We were five grades apart. Now that she has kids we have more in common, but our relationship is still more my giving advice and her asking questions. One of the nice things about having a closer in age sibling is you are more like peers and can do activities together, etc. My kids are spaced two years apart and my oldest and middle can do things together as well as my youngest and middle, but never my oldest and youngest. In school, an older sibling can also really help socially but usually this is only the case if they are in middle of high school with you, so would not apply with a 4/4.5 year gap. My oldest and youngest do kind of play together, but it’s pretty one sided at this point: it’s not like my oldest and middle or middle and youngest. And my youngest would not be my oldest’s choice playmate obviously. It’s not personal, you just don’t get many 8 year olds who want to play with 4 year olds.

[Anonymous]

My kids are spaced that far apart due to infertility issues. Would I have liked them to be closer in age, IDK but having them spaced this far apart lets me enjoy them at each stage. When my DS was 5, I could enjoy the super heros and running around while also getting the baby snuggles. They are now 10 and 5 so DS won't hold my hand but my DD loves holding my hand as we walk to school.

I also love that they get along really well. Our oldest is so sweet and caring with his younger sister and they play together. They also know how to push each others buttons so it's not all sunshine and roses.

[Anonymous]

I really like how thoughtful this conversation is … I think the message is that you will never know how the kids personalities will align but it does seem the age gap is nice for parents