Persistent issue with fights/threats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call his bluff.

+1

Take it head on. "Ok, let's talk about divorce."

[Anonymous]

That's a lot of escalation if it gets to the point where he's throwing around divorce. Sounds like you two have a problem finding compromises, so he basically tells you it's his way or the highway. What happens leading up to these total breakdowns in communication? Do you tell him how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of escalation if it gets to the point where he's throwing around divorce. Sounds like you two have a problem finding compromises, so he basically tells you it's his way or the highway. What happens leading up to these total breakdowns in communication? Do you tell him how you feel?

A lot of men do this because it is a very easy and effective strategy to get women to shut down and acquiesce.

Yes, OP should communicate her feelings and that this is an inappropriate escalation, but her husband is very unlikely to change his behavior when things get tough if he knows that she cares about staying married more than he does.

[Anonymous]

He sounds very conflict avoidant. Many people have very poor conflict management skills. They either shut down or overreact or say anything to feel like they aren't losing control.

If he wants to stay married and is typically mature, this is something to work on in counselling. It is a communicaty, emotional regulation, conflict skills issue. All things that can be learned.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but your husband is definitely not anywhere near mature by the behavior you just described.

His treatment of you is emotional abuse for sure.

I would be anxious all the time if someone was constantly threatening to leave me + upend my children too.

Your husband needs to learn constructive ways to deal with his anger aside from ignoring you & threatening divorce.

I strongly encourage marriage counseling in order for an avenue of not only better communication - but more respect as well.

[Anonymous]

Hey there - i have a husband who does the same thing - at a minor fight, if he doesnt get his way, will escalate to maybe i’ll get a hotel tonight/ that’s where we’re at; or i’ve been looking at apartments…..

It used to make me very anxious (maybe it still does on some level?) but i see it as 100% a reflection of his own narcissism/ emotional abuse.

I meet with a therapist a few times a year ti discuss this. For practical matters, i am just sucking it up and now laughing at him in ny head when he says these stupid things. He is immature and kids think so too.

I am so sorry talk to a therapist i ccan tell you marriage counseling does not help with a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

It could be narcissism as a PP said but to me it sounds like he has some deeper issues around conflict. What was conflict like in his family growing up?

I think it's worth trying couples counseling. I'd look for someone with Gottman training, which focuses a lot on teaching conflict navigation skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey there - i have a husband who does the same thing - at a minor fight, if he doesnt get his way, will escalate to maybe i’ll get a hotel tonight/ that’s where we’re at; or i’ve been looking at apartments…..

It used to make me very anxious (maybe it still does on some level?) but i see it as 100% a reflection of his own narcissism/ emotional abuse.

I meet with a therapist a few times a year ti discuss this. For practical matters, i am just sucking it up and now laughing at him in ny head when he says these stupid things. He is immature and kids think so too.

I am so sorry talk to a therapist i ccan tell you marriage counseling does not help with a narcissist.

Wow this is my husband! I’m not OP. I just recently figured out the may have narcissistic tendencies (suggested to me by friends and family members that know him). I will seek out therapy. I can’t call out the bluff because I am a SAHM without my own finances (so dumb of me but he made it very difficult for me to work after kids because he refused to help and I burned out/my performance started to really suffer so I left before being laid off).

[Anonymous]

My DH said that once a long time ago. I told him if he ever said that again he better be serving me papers.

We are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be narcissism as a PP said but to me it sounds like he has some deeper issues around conflict. What was conflict like in his family growing up?

I think it's worth trying couples counseling. I'd look for someone with Gottman training, which focuses a lot on teaching conflict navigation skills.

I am the PP immediately above and I do wonder if this could be it (rather than narcissism), but I am not familiar with how conflict as a kid (definitely an issue for him) manifests now. I’ll look up a Gottman therapist.

[Anonymous]

I meant I’m the PP who mentioned recently learning about narcissism. I see someone else posted immediately above me.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband did this for years. I gave him a warning--if you ever do it again, I will divorce you. Guess what? He got his divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of escalation if it gets to the point where he's throwing around divorce. Sounds like you two have a problem finding compromises, so he basically tells you it's his way or the highway. What happens leading up to these total breakdowns in communication? Do you tell him how you feel?

+1 The fact that OP says this is, her words, "persistent" and happens frequenly is very concerning. She seems to want to highlight that she thinks they're mostly happy, but I worry that she might be hoping to hear that his behavior is not that bad, or is fixable, or he won't really do it, etc. The repeated use of divorce as a threat is defined as a tactic of abuse but I think she's scared to use the big bad term "abuse" for this because it would force her to take some kind of action and speak up to him and call him out on the persistent threats.

OP, I'd love to hear that I'm wrong about all the above, and that you do recognize how emotionally and mentally abusive this behavior is...? No matter the subject of your arguments, his reactions are 1,000 percent out of line and abusive. Yes, the content of those frequent arguments needs to be worked on, pronto. But his apparently knee-jerk abusiveness in reacting to disagreements needs work even faster. Please get yourself, solo, to a therapist, but since finding a therapist takes time, please call a domestic abuse hotline today and ask them if repeated, persistent threats like this are emotional abuse. They will say yes.

[Anonymous]

Hey, i’m the PP with the husband also does this, who mentioned the narcissism/ emotional abuse factor—-

I would say - to the other PP whose jobs prospects slipped away because the DH did not help out — this happened to me too - until i kust started visualizing myself as a single mom and hired an au pair to help —- and to recognize my husband might enjoy sabotaging me to make him more powerful in the relationshio.


To the PP, can you try to find work even part time? I really do think that financial autonomy can help in this situation if you can get there - otherwise threats of abandonment can realy mess with your head.

[Anonymous]

https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2017/12/emotional-abuse-and-threats-of-abandonment#7