Persistent issue with fights/threats

[Anonymous]

Everytime we have a major disagreement, my husband will retreat into total silent treatment, refuse to respond to me, and threaten separation/divorce. I think we are happy most of the time, he’s a mature person, but then we have a major disagreement and here we are after more than a decade and a half of marriage and multiple kids. It makes me incredibly anxious. Anyone else deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Call his bluff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everytime we have a major disagreement, my husband will retreat into total silent treatment, refuse to respond to me, and threaten separation/divorce. I think we are happy most of the time, he’s a mature person, but then we have a major disagreement and here we are after more than a decade and a half of marriage and multiple kids. It makes me incredibly anxious. Anyone else deal with this?

He is not. He needs to get therapy and figure out why he feels the need to go scorched earth with every minor disagreement.

[Anonymous]

No he's not mature...I agree call bluff.

[Anonymous]

I used to scream "then divorce me" in arguments. It was terribly hurtful to DH. It was a refelction of my fear. I don't do it any more.
You need couples counseling, therapy for you or a divorce. The silent treatment is the bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him.

[Anonymous]

My LH used to do this. One time, I told him that the next time he threatened divorce, we would be done. He clearly believed me, because he didn't do it after that.

[Anonymous]

What constitutes a major disagreement?

and I agree with the above - your dh isn't mature. the silent treatment is immature and not ok. If he said, "I need to take a beat, let's pick this up tomorrow" that's one thing. But totally shutting down? downright puerile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everytime we have a major disagreement, my husband will retreat into total silent treatment, refuse to respond to me, and threaten separation/divorce. I think we are happy most of the time, he’s a mature person, but then we have a major disagreement and here we are after more than a decade and a half of marriage and multiple kids. It makes me incredibly anxious. Anyone else deal with this?

The silent treatment is a form of abuse, if not immediately, then eventually. Read up on it:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/202009/why-the-silent-treatment-is-a-tactic-of-abuse-and-control
https://psychcentral.com/health/the-silent-treatment

Repeated threats of divorce are also a tactic of abuse. Your DH does this repeatedly, so it's abusive. If he says it's just his reaction to arguments with you, that is bull; it's still abusive..
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/when-threatening-divorce-becomes-abuse

There is much more online about both of these abusive tactics, OP. Please recognize that this is absolutely not normal and is incredibly toxic. You say you "think we are happy most of the time" but BOTH the silent treatment AND divorce threats are the exact opposite of a healthy and happy marriage. Please don't let yourself retreat into the idea that "Well, most of the time things are fine, so I'll just tough out the other stuff."

One threat of divorce? One instance of the silent treatment? Not abusive. But "every time" you argue? Abusive tactics.

Please click this linK for the National Domestic Violence Hotline -- do NOT be fooled by the word "violence" and think, he's never hit me so this doesn't apply. The link is about emotional abuse!
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

Go to the bottom of the screen and call the number there, or go to the live online chat. There is NO story they have not heard, and they can guide you from there. If you're sitting reading this and thinking, whoa, no, I didn't mean to say he was abusive, you are not seeing the forest for the trees here. There may be something salvagable if he is willing to get professional help. Let the experts at the hotline help you determine how abusive this behavior is, if you dont believe me. And you will need to figure out why you two have REPEATED "major disagreements" and why he handles them so horribly.

You are modeling an abusive relationship for your kids. I'm sure you do not want that. Please talk to the pros ASAP and start getting the therapy each of you needs, or start figuring out your next step.

[Anonymous]

No. Mature people don't threaten divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everytime we have a major disagreement, my husband will retreat into total silent treatment, refuse to respond to me, and threaten separation/divorce. I think we are happy most of the time, he’s a mature person, but then we have a major disagreement and here we are after more than a decade and a half of marriage and multiple kids. It makes me incredibly anxious. Anyone else deal with this?

Good guy but weak emotionally. Do therapy together or read books for ideas to help him deal with negative emotions. He clearly wasn't taught growing up. Not necessarily a fault of parents, they probably weren't taught themselves.

[Anonymous]

Tell him when you guys are in relaxed and perceptive mode that divorce is off the table, from now on we'll only use productive ways to negotiate and communicate.

[Anonymous]

You need to make all of the necessary plans to call his bluff.

I have been there myself and I am 100% serious.

Feel free to ask me any questions.

[Anonymous]

Let him know that word divorce can only come in a lawyer's letter, not in his threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everytime we have a major disagreement, my husband will retreat into total silent treatment, refuse to respond to me, and threaten separation/divorce. I think we are happy most of the time, he’s a mature person, but then we have a major disagreement and here we are after more than a decade and a half of marriage and multiple kids. It makes me incredibly anxious. Anyone else deal with this?

He is not. He needs to get therapy and figure out why he feels the need to go scorched earth with every minor disagreement.

+1. He’s def immature and stunted