Do visits to cognitively declining parents leave you physically exhausted?
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Anonymous
| I find the endless complaining and utter self centeredness exhausting. I do all financial, medical and practical things for my mom, who is in assisted living nearby and has extra help simply to cater to her (take her out, tidy her room, etc) and all she does is complain that she is bored , so alone, in so mich emotional a pain, and that I have no time for her (I work full time and have a 12 and 14 year old who have activities every night so weekends and doctor appts are when I can see her). She goes on 1-2 outings a week plus we take her out every weekend, and she’s in a facility filled with other older adults and staff who cater to her and she has absolutely no responsibilities (bills cooking cleaning making appts etc) and yet she calls me to tell me her life is pure misery, no one is in as much emotional pain as she is. She’s always been somewhat like this but with the dementia it’s all there is. It is not like I’m sad because I’m missing some motherly relationship I once had ; I’m just sad I never had it and exhausted from the constant calls and demands (sometimes she calls 6-7 times a day). She has never been able to see me apart from herself, and now it’s like I only exist to listen to her go off on how terrible her life is. |
Anonymous
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This makes me feel less crazy—I could have written that post. My mom has had multiple strokes and has dementia. My dad is angry about being her caretaker and takes it out on the fact that I work (as a 30-year civil servant) for a a President Fox News tells him to hate. Haven’t the heart to tell him one of his grandkids is gay.
I have a kid who is in recovery and other than dealing with his rehab, this is the hardest thing I’ve done. And I really really miss my mom, who went through this with her mom. And I am so so worried that my kids will have to deal with this with me. |
Anonymous
I wish I knew you in real life. I also have a spouse in his 50s with cognitive decline. It’s emotionally so exhausting. OP, you were wise not to work while you were there visiting. It’s so stressful and emotionally draining plus just sitting around so much is tiring. |
Anonymous
| Yeah. Even tho I'm not the only local one and sometimes it's only for a few hours, I feel physically drained. |
Anonymous
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It’s sad. My mom is in her 80s and declining. I have to remind her to brush her teeth, wash her hair with shampoo, put on underwear before getting dress.
I have to dry her hair and style it. Put on a little make up. Help her put on her shoes, get out of the car. She is very sweet. She smiles. Growing up, she was very opinionated and feisty, now she is not. She is definitely a different person. Almost not my mom but is still my mom. I loved her. She’s my mom. It can be exhausting. I’m lucky that I have siblings and we take turns. |
Anonymous
| All of you people are lucky that your parents can afford to live in a nursing home. Imagine if you had to care for them in your own home 24/7 for ten years. |
Anonymous
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My dad did not exhaust me because he mostly remained kind to me and his sense of humor just became simpler. He had the occasional rude burst and he did ask the same question over and over, but it wasn't exhausting until he was at the end and and had lost every form of independence including talking.
Mom is exhausting and my recovery period from visits is long. She had abusive tendencies and a temper prior and it became unbearable with her decline along with the whole medication issue-finding the right one, her refusing to continue it, etc. If I hear a story of someone dropping off a parent at a AL and barely visiting, I understand. One can only take so many insults, threats, etc and so many childhood memories were coming back to me of being terrified of her and hating myself. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry you're going through that. |
Anonymous
| I’d fly cross country once a month to visit my mother for a day and while it was tiring it was more mental than physical. She didn’t recognize me and that was difficult but I wasn’t going to stop my visits. |
Anonymous
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I see mine for short visits about once a week.
Your exhaustion may come from the long drive and long visits with her each day. And since you don’t see her week to week, you might be noticing more loss of ability than someone who sees their elder weekly and doesn’t notice the incremental decreases in ability and so on. I also find that watching a sporting event and bringing snacks or visiting for a music show at the AL gives us something to do without the pressure to talk constantly. |
Anonymous
On the one hand I’m grateful my mom can afford care. On the other hand she never worked her entire life, and spent a significant inheritance in a housekeeper and clothes while making me feel like having kids ruined her life because of the burden. That inheritance could have set up several generations and according to the trust was intended for me and my brother and our future kids. Now the remaining funds are spent on assisted living (soon memory care) plus companion care because my mother has never been able to do a thing for herself and expects me to drop everything to do it for her. Even though I work full time and have kids myself she expects me to come daily to take her shopping, find xyz, fold her laundry, take her to a variety of doctors for her ailments. She’s still mobile and I can’t imagine how much it will cost when she actually needs physical assistance and incontinence care. The emotional toll is worse though. Multiple calls a day telling me how miserable she is and how I ripped her away from everything (had to move her after she lost 200k and got into 3 accidents in 9 months) and how no one can understand the depths of her misery. So yeah, at least she’s not in my home. We would probably kill each other. |
Anonymous
Very astute and prescient. I read the all the subsequent posts and found no responses to this one. Seems like we're loathe to thinking it could happen to us. But of course it could, and in some cases will, just as we inherited their eye color or their sense of humor - some of us will inherit their old-age dementia too. |
Anonymous
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Yes!! It’s so sad. My mom had dementia and even though she still recognizes me, I can’t have a conversation with her because she is unable to remember anything or anyone. And so every visit is draining and sad and I come home feeling so incredibly sleepy. I miss having conversations with my mom so badly.
I visited 2-3x/week, and sometimes as I got closer to her house, an unescapable drowsiness would come over me and I would have to pull over and rest my eyes for 15 mins. |
Anonymous
| Mine is doing ok but the 80s have been hard. I visit and make it a cheerful time and help with a lot of things but I often cry on the way home. I really feel for those of who have parents with dementia, though. That is the worst Ive heard. |
Anonymous
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