Do visits to cognitively declining parents leave you physically exhausted?
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Anonymous
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I have siblings who do what they can, but I'm the main one to visit my mom. She's about a 6-hour drive away for most of us, so any visit is at least a couple of days unless it's an emergency. She lives in an excellent CCRC and recently moved to an AL unit.
In the past, I've tried to telework at least part time while I'm there, but I would come home feeling completely wiped out, so this time I tried to do almost none of that. For the five days I was up there, I answered urgent emails and commented on one document. Other than that, I hung out with her, went for walks alone, and went back to my hotel in time to unwind and get a good night's sleep. I still came home and wanted to sleep for days. Other trips don't do this to me. Just Mom. Anyone else? |
Anonymous
| Yes. It's just so very sad that it makes me want to curl up and sleep. |
Anonymous
| Nope. Old people deteriorate. That's life. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| YES!!!! |
Anonymous
| I just spent the weekend with my mom. 5 hour drive each way and drive on Friday was dicey with weather down south. 4 hours on Saturday of this looped conversation where I listed my kids names, where they live, their jobs over and over. She alternated between being present and thinking she was in her childhood home with a childhood pet. When I got home I was so tired I was unable to speak. Began to feel normal on Wednesday. I guess it’s just stress and exhaustion but it is truly unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I thought I was the only one. I do the visit once a month |
Anonymous
| Yes always. I visit mine twice a week for an hour to a few hours and it’s always exhausting. Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes all she does is complain about a laundry list of things we’re always addressing so they shouldn’t be issues. It’s my guilt that brings me there so frequently, we often run out of things to say. |
Anonymous
I've been told that once the cognitive decline is more severe, they'll be happier because they won't realize how out of it they are. Right now my mom is very frustrated that she can't think as clearly as she used to, and also frustrated that she is being treated like someone who can't think clearly (no one is being patronizing, but she's in assisted living and not driving, both of which she simultaneously realizes is the right choice and which she doesn't like) |
Anonymous
| I have a young spouse (mid-50s) in cognitive decline and visited him this past weekend, had to absolutely take a rest after getting home. It is absolutely emotionally exhausting. Maybe have a planned recoup thing you do when you get home, OP. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it is so hard. I have to dual track between being in the present with my mom (who thinks I am her sister or her mom) and working/navigating healthcare/housing/respite for my dad.
The grief is real. The cognitive drain is real. I could sleep for days. I come home and can barely talk to my family. |
Anonymous
This is true, at least in my case. My mom was a depressed and angry disaster for about two years while we navigated independent living then assisted living. In retrospect I realized that it was because she was terrified all the time. She didn’t know where to go or what to do and was constantly anxious about trying to navigate a normal world. Once she settled in to memory care she’s been much happier due to the structure and the assistance. |
Anonymous
| Yes. Even when it was just their hearing that was declining, it was very difficult to stay for long visits because I was basically Yelling and EnUncIatIng constantly. It was like being on the stage. Tiring. |
Anonymous
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Thank you, OP and others, for visiting your declining parents even though it significantly impacts your health. One day we'll be them. Hopefully at least one of our kids will do the same for us. |
Anonymous
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Caregiver stress is real and quite frankly, deadly.
My mom died rather suddenly a few months ago in her independent living apartment within a higher end CCRC. Still, she had 24/7 CNA care (fall risk, frail, med management) and my two siblings and I still had a tremendous amount of daily work to manage on her behalf including visiting her. I ended up quitting my job because to care for her was all-consuming - I kept having to take leave to get her to appointments, make phone calls, manage a crisis du jour plus we sold our childhood home. |
Anonymous
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Of course. It is sad. There is the ever present thought of waiting for a phone call. It can be exhausting.
I was able to do short, frequent visits since we were in the same city. Give yourself grace and praise yourself for ensuring good care and being there. |