Less scheduled kids - how are they faring in high school and beyond?

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't get it, don't you think overscheduling is real? I have to admit, I don't understand the underscheduling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don't get it, don't you think overscheduling is real? I have to admit, I don't understand the underscheduling.

I think over/underscheduling is going to vary so much by individual. Some kids/families thrive on doing a ton of things while others prefer more downtime. You have to parent the individual person you are raising and figure out what works for them.

Op asks "are they happier?" Happier than whom? My less-scheduled kids are happier that way than they would be if I forced them to do things they don't want to do. I have no idea if they are happier than other teens. That seems like a silly question to focus on. They are happy with the activities they have chosen to do + time for friends and just hanging out at home (we do limit screen time so it's not like underscheduled = phone/videogames all day).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a ton of threads on here about how exhausted everyone is and how many activities their kids are doing.

If your kids are older and you were more of a relaxed/non-scheduled parent how are your kids doing? Are they happier? Doing better in school? Get into the colleges they want? What does less scheduled mean for you? No activities for your kids? Only activities they want to do?

Keep in mind that a lot of these threads are about PARENTS being exhausted. But that does not mean that each of their individual kids is overscheduled. If you have 3 kids and each does 1-2 activities, that's a lot for the parents who have to handle like 3-6 activities, but seems reasonable for an ES kid (particularly because they usually don't have much homework yet).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a ton of threads on here about how exhausted everyone is and how many activities their kids are doing.

If your kids are older and you were more of a relaxed/non-scheduled parent how are your kids doing? Are they happier? Doing better in school? Get into the colleges they want? What does less scheduled mean for you? No activities for your kids? Only activities they want to do?

Keep in mind that a lot of these threads are about PARENTS being exhausted. But that does not mean that each of their individual kids is overscheduled. If you have 3 kids and each does 1-2 activities, that's a lot for the parents who have to handle like 3-6 activities, but seems reasonable for an ES kid (particularly because they usually don't have much homework yet).

Totally this. Also, little kids who can't go places on their own or be left home alone tend to get stuck attending siblings' activities. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's definitely an item on their schedule that displaces other things.

I think some kids are overscheduled by their parents and it's not good for them. But some kids just have a lot of energy, good health, low sleep need, internal motivation for their activities, and naturally high executive functioning and intelligence so they can get their schoolwork and other stuff done very efficiently. The same schedule on paper would *feel* really different to different kids, depending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a kid who had no formal EC's and goes to NYU.

My kid had no formal ECs until high school and went to UChicago.

[Anonymous]

I think a fundamental misunderstanding around "overscheduling" is that sometimes we're talking about the individual kids and sometimes we're talking about families and parent schedules.

On dcum I think a huge portion of the "overscheduled" posts don't involve overscheduled kids. They involve families with 3 or more kids where both parents work. In a family like this you're kids could all do one fairly low commitment activity in elementary (say 1-2 days a week depending on age) and you will still be struggling with the logistics of it.

Also there are things other than activities that contribute to being overscheduled -- therapies for SNs or difficult school commutes. Those have to do with things outside your control or lifestyle and parenting choices that aren't about activities but about logistics.

We have one kid who I think is moderately scheduled (she both likes structure and downtime and we balance those needs) but we dont' feel overwhelmed. We've made some choices regarding our jobs and where we live that make a lot of things easier (walking commute to all schools and at least one parent is done with work by 4pm every day). The choice to only have one kid was also partly based on wanting to keep things fairly chill.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread a few months ago where a parent regretted not pushing their kid. Parent said she wished she pushed harder for kid to make a high school team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread a few months ago where a parent regretted not pushing their kid. Parent said she wished she pushed harder for kid to make a high school team.

Regardless of what the kid wanted though?

[Anonymous]

Found the thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1185305.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a fundamental misunderstanding around "overscheduling" is that sometimes we're talking about the individual kids and sometimes we're talking about families and parent schedules.

On dcum I think a huge portion of the "overscheduled" posts don't involve overscheduled kids. They involve families with 3 or more kids where both parents work. In a family like this you're kids could all do one fairly low commitment activity in elementary (say 1-2 days a week depending on age) and you will still be struggling with the logistics of it.

Also there are things other than activities that contribute to being overscheduled -- therapies for SNs or difficult school commutes. Those have to do with things outside your control or lifestyle and parenting choices that aren't about activities but about logistics.

We have one kid who I think is moderately scheduled (she both likes structure and downtime and we balance those needs) but we dont' feel overwhelmed. We've made some choices regarding our jobs and where we live that make a lot of things easier (walking commute to all schools and at least one parent is done with work by 4pm every day). The choice to only have one kid was also partly based on wanting to keep things fairly chill.

You make a good point, but some parents freely admit they overschedule. They say they do it to avoid screen time to because they're kids might get into trouble ect.. same old reasons.

[Anonymous]

I have a HS kid and friends with some families we have known since preschool. My kids were in AAP since second grade, played travel sports, did a lot of academic extracurriculars and scouts. I have friends who do the minimum. Kids played travel sports. They got their kid a math tutor when they were struggling, not to get ahead. Kids played and then quit instruments they only played at school. Their kids are looking at state schools like JMU and VT is their top school. My kid is loooking at UPenn as their top school with UVA as back up.

[Anonymous]

Meant to say kids played rec sports and did not okay travel sports. The kids never did anything competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has three older kids. They were not intense about activities (kids did whatever gymnastics, dance, sports classes they wanted after school in elementary school, but my sister and her husband work so each kid did 1-2 things of their choice and they coordinated carpools or did activities on weekends.) as the kids entered middle and high school, they were on athletic teams and academic extracurriculars at their private school.

My oldest niece is a freshman at a top tier college (working hard pre-med), middle sibling is among top of their class in eleventh grade, and youngest is in middle school. They’re well adjusted, kind and hard working kids.

confused by this post. you describe heavily scheduled kids, but you are saying they weren't heavily scheduled? these are not examples of under scheduled children.

Pp here. They never seemed over scheduled to me. They did local gymnastics, dance classes or little league as kids. In contrast, when I was a kid, my mom had us in private music lessons, private tennis lessons, and whatever group sports or dance lessons we wanted. Plus private tutoring if any one of us wasn’t pulling top grades in highest level classes. I consider that pretty intensive, and see a lot of it where I now live (NYC suburbs). Maybe it’s a relative basis, but I felt my sisters kids -where maybe the kids did activities 1-2 days a week including weekends- had a more relaxed activity schedule relative to how we grew up. So far they seem fine. I will say two of my three siblings went to ivies. The other two of us went to a top non Ivy that my oldest niece now coincidentally attends (she’s not a legacy there.) but admissions were different back then and I kind doubt the “intensive” activities would ultimately matter today.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids who WANT to play sports and activities. I have friends who urge and try to force and kids don’t want to do them.

Then there are parents who don’t offer their kids the choice due to limited time and resources or parent just doesn’t find it important. Some parents are lazy. Some parents are selfish. Some parents don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids both have ADHD and are very stubborn, not inclined to do something just because I think they should or it would look for a college resume. I had to learn early on that I could suggest things but pushing them to do things that they weren't really engaged by was not going to go well. Neither did a lot of things in ES -- light commitment rec sport (1 practice/1 game a week), girl/boy scouts, school band. Weekends were mainly for family and we prioritized them playing with friends.

Both are now in college.

DS's did rec soccer through MS because it was fun to do with his friends. In HS, occasionally worked on theater stage crew. No other school activities. Took guitar lessons and played occasionally at our church because a family friend asked him to help. Volunteered with the family once a month. Had summer jobs as soon as he was old enough to do so. After EF support and tutoring early in HS he turned in a great student. Was not applying to super selective schools, only really wanted Virginia Tech and got in there. Now a senior with a high GPA, a job waiting after graduation, works as a TA, has a good friend group, plays on a couple rec sports teams. Other than the rec teams, which were initiated by a friend, he's still not involved in campus clubs or organizations. He's just not a joiner.

DD was busier than DS in MS-HS but also very introverted and needs her downtime. Main activity was band + weekly private lessons on her instrument. Did one low-involvement school club because her friends started it. Summers she went to a nature-focused camp and then worked there as a counselor in HS. Struggled more in HS with her ADHD, finishing with a B+ avg. She wanted a small, quiet, rural school that was far from the loud super-competitive HS she went to. Goes to a mid-range LAC with a great environmental science program. Plays in the band and is active in a outdoors club, has a some good friends, still spends a lot of quiet down time on art and creative writing. Had a job in her field last summer with a college alumni connection.

They are both happy, well-adjusted, good workers and at good colleges for their personalities and life goals (and our budget). I did worry, living in a very competitive community, about them not doing as much as other kids but also just accepted them as they are. In being prepared for college the academic part really is most important and we prioritized tutoring/EF support for both of them. And, I think jobs for teens are really valuable in building confidence and feeling like you matter somewhere.

NP. You seem like a great parent! (Truly)