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[quote=Anonymous]You don't mention whether he makes similar "joke threats" (passive-aggressive threats) in other ways, or using other things to threaten you besides his income/paying bills. Is this behavior focused entirely on his bringing up the mortgage? Or does he also make these kinds of digs about other things--just for example, "Oh, I see  you don't want to sit next to me?! I guess next time I won't put gas in the car when you ask and we'll see how it goes when you get stranded, ha ha" etc.? Think hard. I'd sit down alone and really parse whether this is a larger issue of passive-aggressive needling you to show contempt.

Also: Is this a change? That's extremely important, OP. If he never did this before, when did it begin, can you determine roughly when it started? Was it around the time something kicked up at his work (so he might feel insecure there), or you got promoted/a pay raise (so he feels threatened by that), or there was a big life change (his parent died or had to move to a nursing home so he feels crappy about life)? If this behavior is relatively NEW, then there's hope that it's a (totally inexcusable but more understandable) reaction to something. Again-- NOT an excuse but possibly an explanation.

Then I'd talk to him and lay out what he says and how it makes you feel threatened. Be prepared for him to say "You can't take a joke," "Lighten up," "You're too serious" etc. etc. Those aren't acceptable. If you find it unfunny and threatening he does not get to brush it off as "just a joke." Ask him why he chooses THAT specific topic to joke about.

Also--did his father talk like this to his mother? I've seen this exact dynamic repeated in two families I know, where the man has learned this kind of "joking" from his parents' marriage, and cannot understand why it's not a joke at all, but passive aggression.

Marriage counseling if he cannot comprehend why you feel threatened and upset. He may need to hear from a third party that he is out of line. And he needs to delve into why he defaults to such a specific topic for his "jokes." He does sound insecure about something and it may not be his income level, OP. [/quote]

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