WHat do you do when BOTH parents are narcissists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been estranged from my father for more than 25 years now. He was an alcoholic who had numerous extramarital affairs, gambling/spending issues, classic narcissist. I went no contact.

While to a less obvious degree, I am no realizing my mother is quite the narcissist herself and it is affecting my parenting with my own kids. She cuts me off because I refused to send money to her. Bad mouthed me to my friends (whom she is "friends" with on facebook) and even threatened to call employer. It is so much harder to go no contact because then I am for all intents an "orphan". Anyone else on a similar scenario?

I estranged myself from both my parents when I was 30 years old.

My father was same as yours, alcoholic gambling addict philanderer and verbally and physically abusive to wife/kids classic malignant narcissist. My mother was a covert narcissist, so it took me years to figure her out - she seems lovely on the surface but badmouths people behind their backs which confused me badly as a kid, she enabled our father to abuse us but whinged and cried on our shoulders when he abused her, and when I finally went no contact she made almost zero effort to repair things or reconnect but put lots of time into badmouthing me to family and family friends including long letters detailing her martyrdom as a mother to such a difficult child as me. Just about nobody in the family believed her because prior to that time she'd always gone around boasting about my accomplishments and character as though they were because of her and not in spite of her and my father.

My mother died 12 years after the estrangement and I did go through a terrible grief but it was for the mother I never had and would never have since the window of opportunity for her to redeem herself had closed. My father is still alive so far as I know, but I couldn't care less what is happening in his life or if he is ill or if he is being well cared for. Why should I care about those things? He never cared about us, except to use us as punching bags and targets for his rage at the world.

I'm not going to pretend the path of total parental estrangement is easy - it's not. But you are far from alone, millions of adults have gone no contact with toxic parents. I chose to do it when I realized that if I didn't I'd be waiting like a ghoul for my miserable father to die before I could ever have a peaceful nontoxic holidays etc. I'm glad I did it when I did because I would have had another 24 years of toxic holidays and such if I had not - he's well into his 90s, trying desperately to stay this side of the soil because I'm sure he knows he is going to hell for what he did to his wives and children.

I don't believe in hell myself - except that hell is here on earth and it's usually other people and the toxic connections we fail to purge from our lives. This is your one wild and precious life OP - what will you do with it?

[Anonymous]

PS you might want to check out Patrick Teahan on YouTube.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been estranged from my father for more than 25 years now. He was an alcoholic who had numerous extramarital affairs, gambling/spending issues, classic narcissist. I went no contact.

While to a less obvious degree, I am no realizing my mother is quite the narcissist herself and it is affecting my parenting with my own kids. She cuts me off because I refused to send money to her. Bad mouthed me to my friends (whom she is "friends" with on facebook) and even threatened to call employer. It is so much harder to go no contact because then I am for all intents an "orphan". Anyone else on a similar scenario?

Time for some major boundaries with mom. Do not allow her to see anything on Facebook. Calmly let her know this behavior is no acceptable and you will be taking a break. If it happens again then x, y. z. Spell out what is unacceptable: threats, insults, lies, harassment, etc. Calmly put her on notice.

My father passed away and my mother is like your mother. I keep very low, superficial contact and I put her in time out when any abusive behavior returns. I sent cards and exchange pleasantries. I will only see her in public with plenty of witnesses for brief periods of time. My mother has always had these tendencies, but with age they have gotten worse and the neurologist concluded it was mental health not dementia based on whatever tests he did. She can manage better on meds and with therapy, but she keeps cycling away from both and then she desperately needs a target for her rage and anxiety. My own therapist mentioned for some there can be an addiction with the anger. It's like she needs to have a storm of rage against someone to get her hit and calm down. I do recall when I took a break and she described unleashing on someone else she had this strange excitement and I had to tell her to save the recap for her therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Rare? lol, my family members would never get diagnosed. What’s in it for them.

Stay out of it if you don’t know what you are talking about.

+1

I have three personality disordered people in my family.

If someone does not have to deal with this, they are very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Rare? lol, my family members would never get diagnosed. What’s in it for them.

Stay out of it if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Right, but you can diagnose them! What’s your credential?

DP

Two therapists over the years alerted me that my mom was likely borderline and a recent therapist said my sibling also sounded like they had a personality disorder.

A borderline will rarely to never visit a therapist because they are never wrong!

[Anonymous]

Who cares if it is an armchair diagnosis or not. OPs mom clearly has narcissistic tendencies and that doesn't really change the advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:True narcissism is rare.

Self centered / selfish people are not as rate.

Maybe. But narcissists are the LAST people who will seek therapy and be diagnosed so who knows?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, it sounds like you’re in a tough spot. As you can see in this thread, DCUM tends to be a place for infotainment and people blowing off steam, some of them trolls. I hope you can find a safe place to problem solve family issues—maybe an in-person support group or a virtual one for survivors or narc abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been estranged from my father for more than 25 years now. He was an alcoholic who had numerous extramarital affairs, gambling/spending issues, classic narcissist. I went no contact.

While to a less obvious degree, I am no realizing my mother is quite the narcissist herself and it is affecting my parenting with my own kids. She cuts me off because I refused to send money to her. Bad mouthed me to my friends (whom she is "friends" with on facebook) and even threatened to call employer. It is so much harder to go no contact because then I am for all intents an "orphan". Anyone else on a similar scenario?

I estranged myself from both my parents when I was 30 years old.

My father was same as yours, alcoholic gambling addict philanderer and verbally and physically abusive to wife/kids classic malignant narcissist. My mother was a covert narcissist, so it took me years to figure her out - she seems lovely on the surface but badmouths people behind their backs which confused me badly as a kid, she enabled our father to abuse us but whinged and cried on our shoulders when he abused her, and when I finally went no contact she made almost zero effort to repair things or reconnect but put lots of time into badmouthing me to family and family friends including long letters detailing her martyrdom as a mother to such a difficult child as me. Just about nobody in the family believed her because prior to that time she'd always gone around boasting about my accomplishments and character as though they were because of her and not in spite of her and my father.

My mother died 12 years after the estrangement and I did go through a terrible grief but it was for the mother I never had and would never have since the window of opportunity for her to redeem herself had closed. My father is still alive so far as I know, but I couldn't care less what is happening in his life or if he is ill or if he is being well cared for. Why should I care about those things? He never cared about us, except to use us as punching bags and targets for his rage at the world.

I'm not going to pretend the path of total parental estrangement is easy - it's not. But you are far from alone, millions of adults have gone no contact with toxic parents. I chose to do it when I realized that if I didn't I'd be waiting like a ghoul for my miserable father to die before I could ever have a peaceful nontoxic holidays etc. I'm glad I did it when I did because I would have had another 24 years of toxic holidays and such if I had not - he's well into his 90s, trying desperately to stay this side of the soil because I'm sure he knows he is going to hell for what he did to his wives and children.

I don't believe in hell myself - except that hell is here on earth and it's usually other people and the toxic connections we fail to purge from our lives. This is your one wild and precious life OP - what will you do with it?

thank you so much for this. i know it sounds weird, but it's nice to know im not the only one going through this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:True narcissism is rare.

Self centered / selfish people are not as rate.

Maybe. But narcissists are the LAST people who will seek therapy and be diagnosed so who knows?

In fact, they become mental health professionals and label
Everyone who disagrees with them as sick

-Daughter of narc psychiatrists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Rare? lol, my family members would never get diagnosed. What’s in it for them.

Stay out of it if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Right, but you can diagnose them! What’s your credential?

DP

Two therapists over the years alerted me that my mom was likely borderline and a recent therapist said my sibling also sounded like they had a personality disorder.

A borderline will rarely to never visit a therapist because they are never wrong!

That is highly unethical and the kind of thing people are disciplined and lose licenses for. You never diagnose a patient you haven’t personally assessed. Never

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Rare? lol, my family members would never get diagnosed. What’s in it for them.

Stay out of it if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Right, but you can diagnose them! What’s your credential?

DP

Two therapists over the years alerted me that my mom was likely borderline and a recent therapist said my sibling also sounded like they had a personality disorder.

A borderline will rarely to never visit a therapist because they are never wrong!

That is highly unethical and the kind of thing people are disciplined and lose licenses for. You never diagnose a patient you haven’t personally assessed. Never

You are not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Narcissism isn't a rare condition. It is a personality disorder.

So … you think “personality disorder” and “rare condition” are mutually exclusive?

But all moms of millennials have this disorder it seems. Microplastics? Something in the water?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Rare? lol, my family members would never get diagnosed. What’s in it for them.

Stay out of it if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Right, but you can diagnose them! What’s your credential?

DP

Two therapists over the years alerted me that my mom was likely borderline and a recent therapist said my sibling also sounded like they had a personality disorder.

A borderline will rarely to never visit a therapist because they are never wrong!

That is highly unethical and the kind of thing people are disciplined and lose licenses for. You never diagnose a patient you haven’t personally assessed. Never

You are not helping.

The delusional diagnoses aren’t helping. People need to deal with specific behavior and consider the circumstances of their relationships, not follow a map created by unqualified hacks. It’s no better than taking Ivermectin for COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK but I just asked Jeff to start a ”Narc” forum since DCUM has such a remarkable number of people who believe their families suffer from this relatively rare condition.

Rare? lol, my family members would never get diagnosed. What’s in it for them.

Stay out of it if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Right, but you can diagnose them! What’s your credential?

DP

Two therapists over the years alerted me that my mom was likely borderline and a recent therapist said my sibling also sounded like they had a personality disorder.

A borderline will rarely to never visit a therapist because they are never wrong!

That is highly unethical and the kind of thing people are disciplined and lose licenses for. You never diagnose a patient you haven’t personally assessed. Never

You are not helping.

The delusional diagnoses aren’t helping. People need to deal with specific behavior and consider the circumstances of their relationships, not follow a map created by unqualified hacks. It’s no better than taking Ivermectin for COVID.

Normal doesn’t work if you deal with crazy. If you don’t want to get infected by crazy or suffer from ptsd stay far away.