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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have been estranged from my father for more than 25 years now. He was an alcoholic who had numerous extramarital affairs, gambling/spending issues, classic narcissist. I went no contact.

While to a less obvious degree, I am no realizing my mother is quite the narcissist herself and it is affecting my parenting with my own kids. She cuts me off because I refused to send money to her. Bad mouthed me to my friends (whom she is "friends" with on facebook) and even threatened to call employer.  It is so much harder to go no contact because then I am for all intents an "orphan". Anyone else on a similar scenario? [/quote]

I estranged myself from both my parents when I was 30 years old.

My father was same as yours, alcoholic gambling addict philanderer and verbally and physically abusive to wife/kids classic malignant narcissist. My mother was a covert narcissist, so it took me years to figure her out - she seems lovely on the surface but badmouths people behind their backs which confused me badly as a kid, she enabled our father to abuse us but whinged and cried on our shoulders when he abused her, and when I finally went no contact she made almost zero effort to repair things or reconnect but put lots of time into badmouthing me to family and family friends including long letters detailing her martyrdom as a mother to such a difficult child as me. Just about nobody in the family believed her because prior to that time she'd always gone around boasting about my accomplishments and character as though they were because of her and not in spite of her and my father.

My mother died 12 years after the estrangement and I did go through a terrible grief but it was for the mother I never had and would never have since the window of opportunity for her to redeem herself had closed. My father is still alive so far as I know, but I couldn't care less what is happening in his life or if he is ill or if he is being well cared for. Why should I care about those things? He never cared about us, except to use us as punching bags and targets for his rage at the world.

I'm not going to pretend the path of total parental estrangement is easy - it's not. But you are far from alone, millions of adults have gone no contact with toxic parents. I chose to do it when I realized that if I didn't I'd be waiting like a ghoul for my miserable father to die before I could ever have a peaceful nontoxic holidays etc. I'm glad I did it when I did because I would have had another 24 years of toxic holidays and such if I had not - he's well into his 90s, trying desperately to stay this side of the soil because I'm sure he knows he is going to hell for what he did to his wives and children.

I don't believe in hell myself - except that hell is here on earth and it's usually other people and the toxic connections we fail to purge from our lives. This is your one wild and precious life OP - what will you do with it? [/quote]

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